To worry that my son will hate me when he grows up?

[Needabreakfromthis]

Name changed for this.

My DS (9) has ADHD and I’ve finally managed to get him to school after 2 hours of cajoling and arguing.

im losing my shit with him on a daily basis. And now I feel utterly broken.

I can’t handle this daily conflict. Everything is a battle.

Im so worried my son will hate me when he’s older, as he’ll only remember me as a shouty, grumpy cow.

aibu to think this is going to end up with him resenting me when he’s older?

Hi OP. Empathy and sympathy from a fellow ADHDer here

Just to check - is he medicated?

me too but I don't know how to stop shouting and being a grumpy bitch
every aspect of life has a battle that doesn't exist with nt sibling. and youngest has similar traits.
exhausting and guilt inducing.

not medicated, but think may be a good option.

trying other ways to keep things calm, but it’s requiring endless patience!

It’s just frustrating. I think the worse thing is that the parenting techniques that work with NT kids just don’t wash with ADHD

Has he been formally diagnosed? Medication can be life changing - it won't change his personality but just makes things a bit easier for him.

Is there a reason why he doesn't want to go? Is it anxiety related?

I have the same worry. No adhd in our family but just wanted to reassure you that it’s normal to be stressy with your kids often sometimes

Is he getting all the SEN support he needs in school? Sounds like school might be very hard for him at the moment. Is there more support you can get from parents in similar situation? As you say parenting needs to be different when you're parenting neurodivergent children. Sorry you're so exhausted it's hard.

Read The Explosive Child and join The B Team group on FB - it changed our family life completely. Our dc is PDA. I absolutely feel your pain re: unbearable mornings - and they have got SO MUCH better since changing our entire approach to parenting & family interactions.

Thanks for the support and suggestions. I really appreciate everyone’s comments. It’s reassuring knowing that others feel like this too.

I’ll take a look at the explosive child @NewBlueGoo - really need to adapt my strategy!

@DragonMovie thanks for solidarity- I never really thought about how emotionally draining parenting could be 🤦‍♀️

@notmakingnewyearresolutions hes getting help at school for it, but I think he struggles with it.

101 Reasonable Adjustments ADHD
I think this is a useful list to help think about the things that might be helpful in school that you could ask the school for.

Has he got an actual diagnosis and is he medicated?

If no to any of those I think you can’t really complain if not bothering to do anything about it

@PoundOfNesh 🙄

He has a diagnosis, but not medicated.

by your calculation, does that mean I can complain a little bit, but not completely? 🤷‍♀️

Well no, if you’re not doing everything obvious to resolve your issues it’s a bit weird to complain.

My ds has ADHD. Medication isn't always appropriate

Is it the school mornings causing the most conflict OP? My ds has developmental delays and ADHD. I was advised to have visual cues, laminated for a morning routine. Or something you can kind of tick off a list. Might that be something to try? To tick off the tasks together. They're broken down and simple

@blubberball think I need to introduce more routine. He gets anxious about going to school but it’s so difficult to get him to articulate how he’s feeling.

He won't hate you. He will know how much you love him and feel sad that you had to go through so much to help him.

I would worry that school might not be a very good environment for him, if it takes 2 hours of arguing to get him in. Whether medication or extra support or a better morning routine is the answer I don't know but I would actually worry about forcing a child into something they hate/fear so much on a daily basis.

Does he speak positively about school when he's been (is it the transition that's the problem)?

What’s the alternative OP? It sounds like him not attending school will be the lesser of two evils.

Just wanted to comment for solidarity. My daughter doesn’t have ADHD, but I worry about this all the time - sometimes I can see myself turning into my own mum and feel all I do is nag and raise my voice. I think it’s normal to feel like this, total mum guilt 💐

Obviously something in school is distressing him. Forcing him to go every morning without trying to find out the reason is just going to harm him more.

My DD has ADHD and ASD.

We used to do the battle to school. Put the uniform on her, coax her out of the door. Daily exhausting battle.

We had one horrific morning when I had to pretty much dress her against her will and I felt awful. I promised her I would encourage her to go to school but never force her.

School started to take notice once the attendence dropped. They were less concerned that she was in school and too anxious to learn, but once it affected their attendance figures they helped more.

Years on (and now entirely out of mainstream school) I am glad I made that decision - if I had kept forcing her she would have lost trust in me.

Is he in the right place school wise? Is there another school that might support him better?

My son aged 10 has complex needs with autism and has just spent a year at home because he was so anxious about school I ended up getting him medically signed off and trying to find him a new placement. His old specialist school was too pushy and too academic for him. He’s started a new school in September and is amazingly happy to go in. The right place makes a huge difference.

YANBU, it's certainly a risk. You have to remember the reason is the medical condition and that you can only do your best though.