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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How hard is it with a toddler and a newborn?

21 replies

Ihatecocomelon · 13/10/2022 07:38

Ds will be 2 in June. Dh and I are thinking about ttc in the new year.
How mad am I to want another baby?
We live with inlaws whilst we save (very lucky I know) in our own part of their house.
I'm on the highest dose of sertraline and have previously tried to be weaned off with awful consequences so have accepted I will be on it forever.
Is it possible for us?

OP posts:

SallyWD · 13/10/2022 08:05

It's full on but not as hard as I thought it would be. My second slept a lot as a baby so I could give my toddler attention. My toddler was at nursery, then pre-school while I had the baby. That helped a lot. I got a double buggy so took them out quite easily. The hardest thing for me was always the sleep deprivation! But they both slept through from 12 months so I suppose it was fairly shortlived.

Skiingwithgin · 13/10/2022 08:08

I’m in the early days of this, my new born is 2 weeks old and my toddler is 2 and a half. It’s fine! But my toddler is in child care 5 days a week, and my DH is super hands on.

thr hardest thing is not being able to lie in in the morning because toddler wants time, and tbh I want to spend time with her!

it also helps my toddler is obsessed with babies/dolls so is over the moon to see her sister all the time!

im sure there will hard bits (I can here DH fighting with her to brush her teeth right now and she wants mummy to do it, but I’m BF her sister so I can’t). But so far the positive outweighs the negative!

Original poster

Ihatecocomelon · 13/10/2022 08:11

Thank you for replying.
My worry is that I may have a c section the next time as I lost a lot of blood and had an episiotomy? Then blood thinner injections as I had dvt a few years before I met my dh. Obviously the recovery time is longer and I worry about the extra stress it will put on my dh.
Yes to double buggy but need to find one that would fit our car/ entrance to our side of house.
I just worry more about the sertraline as the gp and even the consultants were unsure as to what dose I should have been on. So they just put me on a lower dose and hoped for the best.

OP posts:

Untitledsquatboulder · 13/10/2022 08:14

If sleep deprivation /stress makes your mh worse I would suggest waiting another year or two and going for a 3 or 4 year gap. Otherwise a baby/toddler combo is very tough for the first year but then rapidly gets easier (ime)

Original poster

Ihatecocomelon · 13/10/2022 08:16

Thank you. Ds is a great sleeper only wakes once or twice just for dummy.
I think a lot of it is now I know what to expect in terms of a newborn and labour it would be easier for me. I think I'm more worried about the pain right afterwards and the healing.

OP posts:

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 13/10/2022 08:35

I found it really hard, had to put my toddler in nursery full time as coping with two on my own was a struggle. But my second didnt sleep and had feeding issues so was a 'hard' baby. Breastfeeding probably didn't help, it was tricky when I was feeding and the toddler wanted help going to the toilet for example. Getting out of the house seemed to take forever. I remember being in soft play and the toddler screaming because she was stuck somewhere and the baby screaming because they didnt want to be in the buggy and me just wanting to cry

Winecrispschocolatecats · 13/10/2022 08:43

Had my 2nd baby when toddler was 17mths old - we were fortunate to be able to keep toddler in nursery 3 days a week while I was on mat leave, and making friends with other parents was an absolute lifeline. My husband being so hands-on was essential. It's definitely hard, but possible!

Glitterandmud · 13/10/2022 09:11

I had a planned c section (dd was 2.5 when ds was born) it was much easier recovery wise than the emergency one I had with dd. I needed someone there to help but it was doable. Dd understood, as much as she could, what was happening and was very careful with me and ds.

I got a tula carrier for ds for when we were out and about and a ring sling for the house, super helpful when I needed hands for dd. Not slings are the answer to everything but once I tried I understood why they were always recommended on here.

As @DrinkFeckArseBrick says leaving the house could be a challenge... more so when ds was a bit older.

They are 8 and 6 now and lots of fun, if I could do it all again I would.

summerlovingvibes · 13/10/2022 09:20

@Ihatecocomelon Ive got a planned c-section booked tomorrow due to previous birth and my DD will be 2yrs 4 months. I've gone back and forth between natural birth or ELCS but come to the conclusion that I know what im getting with ELCS and I've just planned carefully for this - with regards to what I have at home for after care, making arrangements for my DD to keep her happy and busy to give me time to recover, ensuring my DH is fully on board etc. Im nervous about the recovery too, but hoping long term h to is age gap will be good and the recovery will become a distance and short lived memory. I'll keep you posted!

Original poster

Ihatecocomelon · 13/10/2022 09:30

Thanks everyone. I have no issues with worrying about dh. He is very hands on with ds and they adore each other.
I'm going to arrange a gp appointment and stress that I need one with someone who knows about sertraline and pregnancy before we dtd.

OP posts:

findingsomeone · 13/10/2022 09:32

Too small a gap for me. If you don't have fertility issues and are not pressed for time I'd aim for more like 3-3.5 year gap. I think two year gaps can be very intense from those I know, although most have been people who think they want three and don't want to be doing babyhood for 10 years (if three+ years between each).

I also have MH issues, my DD is 2Y3M and her understanding is great and her speech coming on, but I would feel like I was doing her a disservice to have another right now as she is quite a clingy child and will benefit from a bit more 1 to 1 to grow into herself. I also want to be able to fully enjoy a newborn and I think the more independent DD becomes the easier this will be.

PinkPlantCase · 13/10/2022 09:34

Hi OP our DS will be 2 in June and we are also thinking of TTC in the new year!

Originally we thought we’d wait until DS’s birthday to start TTC so that he’d be closer to 3 before the next baby came but I don’t think we’re very good at waiting!

I had a home birth with DS so all very straightforward and DH was very hands on as I recovered. I have said that I expect him to take more than 2 weeks off.

The main thing that might lead me to wait a bit longer is that I really like my job, I went back to a new job after mat leave and I’m not sure I want to be off again yet but I also don’t want to push back having more DC too much. I went back in January last year so would have been in post for a year before TTC.

Our other consideration is that DS is still breastfeeding at morning and night, I know people do but I’m not sure if I want to put my body through being pregnant and breastfeeding at the same time.

Lots to consider.

How old are you OP? That’s probably something else worth adding into the equation

findingsomeone · 13/10/2022 09:34

Seeing @DrinkFeckArseBrick I would say my DD was a difficult baby too! Which may shape my views. If I get a carbon copy of her there is no way in hell I would survive a 2Y gap 😬 we had feeding issues, tongue tie, and the world was very shut down as she was born only a couple of months into covid so the support for all those things wasn't great. If you had a more straightforward time of it I can see why it wouldn't be such a scary prospect.

Bbqchicken · 13/10/2022 09:35

Id concider trying to time it so when your toddler starts preschool the baby is born, this daytime childcare which is free will be a lifesaver. Your toddler will be a little older too. Presuming you are not yet pregnant you cant be far off that age either.

Glittertwins · 13/10/2022 09:35

Re the double buggy, you'd be better off getting a Phil and Ted's tandem one rather than side by side to get it in the door. Easily used as as single buggy later on, it not really worth the expense of a side by side with a minimum 2 year age gap

Original poster

Ihatecocomelon · 13/10/2022 09:35

I'll be 37 soon so time isn't too much on my side

OP posts:

catlyf · 13/10/2022 09:38

I found the 2.5yr gap the hardest if I'm honest (more so than 2 under 2). 3.5yr gap was much easier! If you struggled I'd be tempted to wait a little bit and aim for a 3yr gap. In my experience the older one will be fairly independent but also a small enough gap for them to enjoy playing together when a bit older.

Somuchgoo · 13/10/2022 09:39

Toddler and newborn was very easy personally. Kind of like carrying a slightly needy pot plant around with your toddler! Sleep deprivation was the only hard bit, but we try to share that as a couple. We used slings extensively - baby fed in there and slept in there.

Two toddlers (or toddler and older baby), I found very hard - much much harder than newborn and toddler. Both were much harder work at that age, and my second slept worse at 12-18m than she did as a newborn.

It got easier when my youngest got to 2 (so 2+4), but still not as easy as it was initially.

Pregnancy with a toddler is one of the hardest bits though. Having the baby was actually a relief for me 😂

MrsNowAndAlways · 13/10/2022 10:10

It wouldn't be the age gap that bothered me, my largest gap is nearly 4 years, my smallest 15 months, but rather that you live with your in laws. I wouldn't want to bring a baby home to someone else's house, or deal with any post labour issues around others when you might just need privacy.

I found it fine having babies and toddlers at the same time, I had 3 under 3 at one point, and none have ever been in childcare so they were all always around. You just adjust and geton with it.

mondaytosunday · 13/10/2022 13:44

Well it all depends! My son was 20 months when my daughter was born. But I had a cleaner once a week and my kids were good sleepers (dd not for first three months due to reflux, but once down slept well).
Have to say I was always able to get showered and dressed in the morning (don't understand those that can't seem to do this) and took my eldest to daycare a couple days a week.
I had no family support though, and my husband worked long hours so was mostly a weekend dad. But it was fine, full on, but fine. I find teenagedom far far harder.

CoalCraft · 13/10/2022 13:49

I have a 22 month old and a nine week old so I'm right in the thick of it.

It's honestly been fine, easier than I expected, but I'm lucky enough to be able to send DC1 to nursery four days a week and a husband that's willing to do 90% of the toddler wrangling otherwise. We also have our own house which we have to ourselves. Personally I think this is important.

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