Asking for child maintenance from ex

[Winginitt]

My ex has always refused to pay child maintenance but did say he would pay half to our DDs needs. He pays half towards her Cubs (5 a month) her school uniform and any trips with school, I also ask that he pays for wrap around care when he uses it when she’s in his care. He has her 2 nights a week so because of this he says he doesn’t need to and won’t pay. My ex lives with his parents (no bills, rent), his mom is main carer for her when she is there, she does school drop off/pick up, picks her up from my house, washes her, feeds her, takes her out etc. Rare dad does anything - hence split! He earns 8k more than I do. I have a new partner who is currently paying towards a child that isn’t his, we live together and we are expecting, I have asked my ex for the 3rd time since we split if he would consider child maintenance and basically was threatened that I shouldn’t ‘f*ck up what i have’. What would you do? I almost want to say forget it, carry on as normal but make sure she does lots of other things for him to pay towards but the other half of me is really annoyed that he gets to live comfortably without worry and I’m here trying to budget everything and make sure she has everything she needs!

This is what the CMS is for. What’s holding you back?

Does cms work out more then what he's currently paying? If it's less I would think carefully about going through cms as you could end up with less

I have no idea why you aren’t just perusing him for maintenance, like literally no clue why you aren’t doing that already!!

Cms either he does half and half or he pays towards her care. Kids need fed, clothed, accommodation not just a scout uniform.

That's exactly why CMS exist. It would have to be 50:50 split of card for him to not have to pay anything.

Sometimes it's just not as easy as that. If he's been abusive in the past then it can be really difficult to stand up to them and be scared of the consequences. I don't chase maintenance for my youngest 2 as their dad doesn't have contact at the moment and I'd prefer to keep it that way. Kind of not upsetting the apple cart in a way

Do the CMS calculation and see if it works out less or more than what he is already contributing? If you go down the CMS route - is he likely to put a stop to paying for the things he already does?

@uhtredsonofuhtred1 but if you open a case with the CMS then it can all go through them and it reduces the amount of communication and contact. It depersonalises the process. OP, just do that. Its a pretty crappy amount anyway but at least its "official".

Sounds like he would rather do 50/50 childcare than pay a decent amount of maintenance so it’s up to you to decide whether this is the route you want to go down.

Have worked it out and CMS is more, what he is paying now is minimal and once in a blue moon, apart from £5 a month towards Cubs. He was financially abusive when we were together, I wasn’t allowed to work and I claimed child tax which he kept, I didn’t have access to money until I started work when DD started school. As we try and be as amicable as possible for DD I wanted to speak with him first before going down the official route and he has got really angry, said ‘oh by the way I earn 120 a week’ ‘I will make sure you end up with nothing’ have decided it’s best to just leave him to it, I can manage without his money it just annoys me that he gets away with not paying and still believes that 2 days a week is 50/50 shared childcare.

It's not about managing communication it's about the reaction or the behaviour after you start the claim. They could quit their job so you get nothing, they could take you to court for more custody, they could start making false reports to various agencies to continue the abuse or financial abuse. Honestly, it's not always as easy as people think

Your child is entitled to that maintenance money. He sounds a crap Dad. It is up to you to stand up for your child's rights. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for your child.

This

Ah see you've done the maths. Go for CMS. You can tell your child you tried then when they are old enough.

I would tell him that when the time comes where your child asks why she cannot have whatever or is unable to enjoy whatever activity you will not lie and you will say because your dad only pays £12 a week for you. He can afford more but chooses not to support you financially.

If he's happy for you to be honest then so be it. My advice is stop protecting him.

Your situation is different though, op is in contact and needs to work out if what he is currently paying is less or more than she would get in cms

Its not that different, especially if hes been financially abusive when they were together. I have an abusive ex and didn't pursue him for years, despite having contact for kids. Its being scared of escalation etc. Not necessarily rational,however, that type of person tends to react. Mine only started paying five years later when he moved in with his now wife, assume because she would have asked questions (as she seems decent) still nowhere near what he should but something.

He was financially abusive

go down the official route

Is he employed or self-employed?

Go down the official route. remove his ability to be financially abusive.

I used to work for child maintenance and it’s not as black and white as other users think it is. I would say if you really are in need of the money I would go down the CMG route and pursue maintenance. A lot of women (and men) do give up and close their claim because of the aggravation it causes them mentally and emotionally. It was such a hard job but honestly I can understand why some people don’t want to go down that route.

it’s been a while since I worked there but they usually started with asking the parent to pay by bank transfer/standing order by a date and if they are refusing then they used to write to the parents employer and put a statutory order to deduct a % of their wages.

whatever you choose to do, it’s a seriously hard and draining process.

I feel the same, been trying not to ask as I have done before and get threats that he will take me to court and sue for full custody. I think its empty threat but i don't want to risk it, i can't afford a solicitor and i don't want him raising my son as he's a nasty piece of work. I was managing ok before pandemic, but had to leave job and lost wrap around care so really struggling to find work. Every time i mention money he flips. He lives with a flat mate, works full time and i just feel like I need more help to keep a roof over our sons head. I pay for everything apart from the odd outfit and shoes, which he then uses as an excuse to not pay any maintenance. He just bought a new TV so clearly has money to spare.

Can you not go through cks but opt for the pay directly to you, which looks less antagonising on your half but then allows you to take legal action if necessary. What’s your relationship with his mother like?
if I were in your situation I would be having words with his mother.