Fear of something bad happening & regret is ruining my life

[ruiningmylife]

Sorry, posting for traffic because I feel like I really need some quick words of advice and support if anyone is around.

I have quite severe OCD and intrusive thoughts are quite frankly ruining my life. For the past year I have been obsessing about things that I have done wrong in my life, and have become convinced that I’ve done things that are really bad when in reality I made mistakes and am human. I’ve also become obsessed with the fear of something bad happening to me. I’m obsessed that the world is out to get me.

I regret so many things I have done and have these overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame and worry that something bad is going to happen. I ruminate on memories so much that the memories become somewhat blurred and I can’t figure out what is real or not.

I have to think about these thoughts constantly until it ‘feels right’ and I can spend hours ruminating on one thing before the next thing pops up. I am ruining my own life by doing this but the compulsions are so strong and I get severe anxiety not doing them.

Last month I became so physically unwell that I was taking diazepam (prescribed) alongside my usual mental health meds (also have bipolar disorder) and one night ended up on the bed physically shaking unable to stop for about half an hour in a panic attack.

I also keep ruminating about being a shit mum, I had very bad PND and mild psychosis and it ruined my first year as a mum and I feel so awful about not being the mum I’d always wanted to be.

It’s not just that but other things in my past that I’ve done that my head makes out to be really bad but when I open up to anyone about these thoughts they tell me they’re not bad and I’m being silly, but to me they seem like the worst thing on earth and karma is going to come back to punish me.

I can’t live like this anymore because I am in a constant state of anxiety and my mood is so low because of it, I feel physically and mentally overwhelmed from everything that is consuming me right now.

I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve contacted my CMHT and have had no support. I’ve had no support from the GP because they tell me to contact the CMHT instead. It’s ok to seek reassurance from my partner but even that is a compulsion so doesn’t help.

I just want to be normal and be able to put things in the past and move on from things but I’m constantly being dragged back and I can’t take these feelings and thoughts and rumination anymore.

Can anyone offer me any advice?

I’m sorry I don’t have advice but I want to bump your thread.

Have you had any therapy? Keep on at GP & CMHT until someone listens. If you’re working, some larger firms have employee assistance programs that can offer counselling, it’s normally only 6 weeks but might tide you over for a bit?

@RockAndRollerskate Thank you so much for bumping my thread.

i have a weekly therapy session but to be honest I have been with her for years and I no longer find it beneficial long-term, only during the call when she is reassuring me.

Counselling will help, and I hope you find a pathway to it soon. Please understand that most people regret things they’ve done and said, especially if they weren’t active choices, but care enough about themselves to accept that they sometimes make mistakes or suffer in a way they had no control over. And that’s ok.

Whenever I have a bad thought chain beginning, I make an active choice to ‘not get on the thought train’. Tell yourself that you’ve had these thoughts before and they don’t benefit you, so you’re going to let the train move on without you on it. Another trick I use is to ask myself if I can do anything to deal with that situation right now. If not, it isn’t worth my time. My time is valuable and it deserves to be spent on something beneficial.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s taken years and a lot of work. But it is possible. Mindfulness apps work to help you control your thought processes too.

I hope you find some peace and learn to forgive yourself for, what it sounds like we’re things that happened when you were unwell. That wasn’t your fault and you care about those events, making you the definition of not a shit mum.

I get similar thoughts. Medication helps me to be kinder to myself.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I have been there myself. Sertraline has helped me, as well as working through books such as the Mindfulness Workbook for OCD. I really find it useful to hold on to the knowledge that these are not rational thoughts and that they will pass. This kind of understanding, while it doesn't always help in the short term, is a good anchor, I find.
Your therapist may not be trained to deal with OCD. If they are reassuring you, that is not the best way to deal with OCD. A cbt practitioner with experience of OCD is what would be best.
Have a look at the OCD Action website and the you tube channel OCD Stories. If you can't afford private therapy and NHS is not coming through fast enough, there really are things that will help you that you can access, such as the above.
Also there is an OCD book by David Veal which I have found helpful. These strategies have been very powerful for me, as NHS therapy has never come in time for me (I have tended to have bouts that last about 2 or 3 months). I hope this helps.

Selfishly I am really glad you posted this because I'm very similar and now feel less alone. What has helped me at times is to actually realise that having these thoughts and feelings of guilt and shame doesn't actually (or at least not necessarily) mean I am that guilty. My mind just likes to torture me with these kinds of thoughts. It's ok to find something to distract myself with or speak kindly to myself rather than ruminating the entire night about what I've done and how much guilt I am carrying. It sounds like your mind is doing the same to you. You didn't choose to get PND and psychosis- I'm certain you have still been the absolute best mummy you could be to your children, in very challenging circumstances, and this is what matters at the end of the day- that you care. Your DC will know this