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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to walk away from my sister?

15 replies

jennyfish78 · 12/10/2022 17:32

I’ve read on here about people going NC with family and how difficult it can be but I really can’t stand to have her in my life at the moment.

All she ever does is create drama and I just want a quiet life. Ever since we were little, she would lie, about anything and everything. Anything to get attention or her own way.

She was cheating on her ex and to stop him from leaving she lied and told him she was pregnant with his baby. Then lied again about having a miscarriage. He was heartbroken and he still doesn’t know the truth! It’s a shame because he was a nice guy.

She left him for someone else but said she’s only with him because he has money. She said he’s “boring, ugly and bad in bed” so started sleeping with her ex again. Now she’s pregnant, for real. She told me she doesn’t know who the dad is because she slept with them both on the same day. Ex is still in love with her and said he would raise the baby, even if it’s not his as he just wants his family back.

She told her now fiancé that if he didn’t propose, she will abort his baby. He doesn’t know about the affair and thinks it’s his. She is a disgusting person with no morals. She lies and tells him she’s with me when she isn’t. I try to avoid him as I hate going along with her lies and I never know what she’s told him! He proposed to her and she’s asked me to be her maid of honour… and to go with her to the abortion clinic next week but not to tell anyone! I can’t cope with all these lies. I think she forgets these are real people!

My poor mother can’t cope with it all, she’s always phoning me up in tears. My sister is verbally abusive and speaks to her like crap. If mum says anything she doesn’t like, she’ started threatening to kill herself, or more recently, kill her grandchild. I’ve just had it up to here with her.

OP posts:

mdh2020 · 12/10/2022 17:48

You can walk away from your sister (I have done just that) but please don’t abandon your mother who really needs you, But be prepared for a lot of fall out and being told that you should see your sister ‘for the sake of the family’.

beonmywaythen · 12/10/2022 17:50

Have you posted about this before? It seems to be really bothering you. I think it would be best for you to go no contact. She sounds like a really unhealthy influence and hopefully some consequences for her actions will snap her out of it but probably not.

Always4Brenner · 12/10/2022 17:51

Go NC did with mine never regretted it.

Strokethefurrywall · 12/10/2022 17:52

She sounds like a complete scumbag.

Go no contact and breathe the beautiful free air of knowing this toxic human is out of your life.

Original poster

jennyfish78 · 12/10/2022 18:10

Thank you everyone. I’m sorry some of you have found yourself in a similar situation (hugs)

Don’t worry, I won’t walk away from my poor mum, I know she needs me. I try to stay out of their arguments but my sister once threw a chair at her so I had to step in then. The rest of the family all feel sorry for her because of her sob stories. My aunt came over to care for her after her non existent miscarriage and had a go at me because I wasn’t sympathetic enough towards my sister. All she does is cause trouble. She was sleeping with a married man at work before and when he didn’t leave his wife for her, she smashed up his car and now my mum is paying for it! I am desperate to cut her off but I know she will just manipulate the situation and the rest of the family will turn against me, or like you said try and get us to make up. I just don’t know what to do

OP posts:

Original poster

jennyfish78 · 12/10/2022 18:12

So how do I go no contact? Do I tell her that I want nothing to do with her? Or do I just block her? Any advice is appreciated

OP posts:

Olive19741205 · 12/10/2022 18:14

I am desperate to cut her off but I know she will just manipulate the situation and the rest of the family will turn against me, or like you said try and get us to make up. I just don’t know what to do

Just tell the family the things that she's done and why you don't want anything to do with her. Would that stop them trying to guilt you?

Original poster

jennyfish78 · 12/10/2022 18:23

Thank you for your reply. I have told them before what she is like but they don’t believe me. She always talks her way out of it, makes herself look like the victim. If she was a friend, I would have stopped contact a long time ago.

OP posts:

expat101 · 12/10/2022 18:38

We were at an extended family reunion on DH’s side when his sister approached with her new partner, said to him well don’t you have anything to say to me?.

he replied I have nothing to say to you at all and walked off.

that’s how you go no contact. Haven’t heard from her since but know she is still doing the rounds of the remaining relatives who talk to her with her bs.

Bonjovispjs · 12/10/2022 18:43

I haven't spoken to my toxic sister for over 10 years, best decision I ever made. Just block and move on from her.

expat101 · 12/10/2022 18:43

jennyfish78 · 12/10/2022 18:23

Yip that’s what they like to do, same with DH’s sister, I was supposed to have sent a nasty email, no one else saw it and I hadn’t emailed her for some months prior but she got mileage out of telling MIL how upsetting it was to her what I wrote.

I asked for a copy of it, was told she tore it up immediately. I pointed out it would be on her computer and I wanted to read it and to discount it wasn’t some sort of spam… nothing came of it but I was asked why would She lie? I asked why would I and didn’t receive any answer, but the damage was done.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2022 18:46

Yep. Do it op.
Best thing I ever did was cut my sister off 7 years ago.
After ANOTHER argument I just refused to speak to her. She gave me an ultimatum, I still ignored her. That's that.
If we have to be in the same room as each other for a family event(not often) we literally pretend like we cant see the other one, no eye contact, just speak to other people. We just dont exist to each other, its the only way. I'm so used to it now and so so happy I don't have to deal with her anymore.

Drop the dead weight op. You'll be glad you did. And more peaceful.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2022 18:49

I have told them before what she is like but they don’t believe me. She always talks her way out of it, makes herself look like the victim. If she was a friend, I would have stopped contact a long time ago

OP I fell out with my parents a couple of times, albeit briefly, over the same thing.

Please do not waste your time trying to tell anyone what she is doing/is like. She will do her best to make you look like a liar. And youll just be deeper into the drama. Pretend she doesn't exist.

Notimeforaname · 12/10/2022 18:53

If you dont want to actually tell her you're cutting her off, you can simply tell her
"I'm taking a break from you. I wont be interacting with you. Your life brings me too much stress and drama. I'm going to focus on myself, please leave me alone.

She doesn't have to know it's a permanent break.

pandarific · 12/10/2022 19:29

@jennyfish78 I think you probably know that whatever you do, she will create a drama about it, and will bad mouth you to all and sundry. I don’t think you can do anything about that outcome, but… I do think you have the advantage right now because she doesn’t know you are going to do this, and you do.

Install cctv, make your work aware in a short factual email to hr/your manager with no emotion, just saying there are some family issues and there is a possibility there may be some malicious activity against you in the future, so just so they’re aware etc.

Have a look online, I think there’s a register you can put yourself on if you’re at increased chance of being at risk of fraud (eg if a card was taken out in your name etc etc).

Write a simple, short message saying that you are no longer in contact with your sister, and would appreciate [wider family members] respecting that. That nothing specific has happened between you, but you can’t support some of her decisions and no longer want any involvement with her, including them mentioning her to you. (That part saves you the inevitable updates.)

Write a similar message to your mum, saying you will support her where you can but want to focus on your own relationship with her so could she please respect not mentioning your sister to you. Try to encourage her to look into freeing herself from this toxic individual too, but put nothing in writing so your sister can find nothing if she snoops.

Finally, send your sister a short message, firm but no specifics, no come back. Block her on all channels, everything you can think of - email, LinkedIn, everything.

You need to limit her access to you, and you can 100% expect her to use your mum as the weak point - you need to urge your mum to involve the appropriate services. If she is assaulted, abused, anything like that - police. You can’t shield her while keeping yourself out of it, so she needs to be able to shield herself. Ask family members to support and believe your mum if she comes to them. Depending how old your mum is Age UK may be able to help as this is elder abuse. www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/health-wellbeing/relationships-family/protection-from-abuse/

As terrible as it is, what you owe your mum is not to protect her from your sister, but to come to realise and accept that the relationship she has with your sister is an abusive one. That’s the first step toward actually being able to help her, without drowning yourself.

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