Feeling very homesick.

[StarO]

Okay, this is gonna be a long and posting here for traffic.

Me and my partner living overseas for more then 17 years, at the beginning it was meant to be only for a year, then two, then we both still childless settled and stayed for few more years.
At that time we both had a good paid jobs, lots of friends etc, we use to visit our families cca twice a year and we both felt that were are in good place and things should be as they are currently.
9 years ago we started looking for a house to buy, then I became pregnant with twins, we finally found our house and bought it.

Since then everything went downhill.
I wasn't able to keep my job, so I stayed home with two babies, my husband changed his job and started working only nights, he's been working a lot and majority of the time it was just me with children, we don't have any family members here and sooner than later most of our friends just dropped off as they have been busy with their family life etc, I had a nervous breakdown as I was completely exhausted and isolated all the time and it only started to get better when kids started to going to the nursery.

However my son have a sen statement and his being at the nursery was very difficult.

Now they are both P4, son still attending LSC and my daughter just got sen status stage 1 as she seems not to be able to catch up with her peers educationally.

All those years since our kids have been born, I'm without friends, family, anybody close to.
My partner still doing nights and I'm working weekends plus other two days as a part time.
We rarely see each other which is very difficult for our children and our relationship.
He's gonna to start day shift from next year, which is great, but I feel very worn out for many years now.

I miss my family dearly and for the last few years thinking going back.
I'm feeling isolated, rootless and depressed.

My son would like to come back to as he's missing his grandma a lot, my daughter doesn't want to, as she feels like she's gonna lose her school friends.

My partner isn't missing his family and is dealing with this problem realistically and thinks that we gonna regret it, as the living situation in our country is very tough, kids prefer to speak English and starting new school with the language they don't speak that much would be very difficult for them.
I do realise all those things, but feel very thorn as my parents going to their late 50's and 60's and gonna need me there at some point and just thought of spending rest of my life in the country without my family, is breaking my heart.

I just needed to vent this out to ease the pressure in my mind...😔

I don't understand how moving is going to resolve any of what you raised, apart from your family being closer. You've been gone for 17 years, so don't think you will be able to just easily pick up friendships where you left them. You need to start making friends here. Aside from that, if your kids don't speak your mother tongue, then how are they going to learn anything in a school where they can't understand the language?

As someone who has been gone over 10 years I have to agree with @Keyansier about not picking up where you were before. Everyone will have their own lives.

It's hard, but I think you are romanticising the return a bit even if you have good relationship with family. You might end up in a same position just in different place.

The best would be as pp said to find friends and something to do where you are. As hard as it is

Is it possible you are unhappy more generally and think moving would be a way to solve this?

Could it be that the focus on your past home is a way of seeing an escape from the grind of bringing up small children ?

I just moved back to somewhere i left 20 years ago! So i do actually understand how roots can feel that deep even years on

But moving has not been the panacea I hoped ! It has brought some good things and a lot of problems

Bumping for you x

Thank you for your replies, this is very raw to talk about for me.

I do realise and know that everyone there have their own life, yes. And yes I may romanticism this whole thing.( As I usually do).
It's a very difficult situation to deal with and I feel the either way it's gonna be- it wouldn't be great, that's why I feel so messed up.

I don't see raising my children as a burden, no.
But I do feel guilty for robbing them of together time with their family as I had when I was a child. We are seeing them, but not a lot.

We don't have a bad life here, but sometimes I'm jealous of the birds and wish to be one and just fly home at that very moment and hug everyone and talk to them, that sad I get sometimes.😔

But I do feel guilty for robbing them of together time with their family as I had when I was a child. We are seeing them, but not a lot.

Sorry but I think if you are to be honest with yourself, this is not true. This is about you, not them. You have been living in another country for 17 years and your children are far more likely to miss their current set up and surroundings they see daily than they miss family members who they see probably a few times a year. You feel like they are missing out on it because it's what you're familiar with from your childhood and it's what you want.

Yes, I think you are actually right.

Thanks to the different opinions here I do actually feel better and calmer.
I realised that lots of those issues are my only projection of seeing it only from one side.

Thank you all, for letting me vent this out.💐💐