Single mum, what to do next? Feels like a nightmare

[4betterfuture]

To cut long story short - my ex turned out to be emotionally and verbally abusive prick since our son ( now 19m) was born.
3 weeks ago we got into huge argument and he called a police on himself saying that he can’t do this anymore, he’s stressing too much, everything is to much and he didn’t feel safe around us anymore and we need to go. As the tenancy agreement is on his name that’s the only option I guess.

So the police was involved, they called and Early Help Centre, we had an appointment with them and they also made a decision that for the child it’s better to be out of this unhealthy environment.
So I contacted council for help regards domestic violence and what are my options. So they said
they gonna put us in a emergency housing, a basic hostel/hotel room for about 6-8 weeks and then move into temporary housing which could be months, could be years. As the council house wait is around 4 years they could try and move as into private renting, explaining our situation and pay first months rent.
But… I’m just so scared… of everything. I was made redundant in August, was working part time before that and had a joint UC claim. And I’m scared to do this al alone. I’m scared how to survive, I’m scared we gonna struggle financially, not being able to afford basic things. I’m so scared of everything and don’t know what to do.
Some days I’m optimistic and think - Well ok, this is gonna be a new, fresh start, maybe we gonna get nice house with some small garden and gonna be happy and some days I’m struggling so much to see how my/our life is gonna go and all I can see is bills, bills and money problems… I feel like a utter failure in life.

You are entirely capable of doing this and your and your childrens lives will be immeasurably better

Do you have family that can help ?

Your future now looks far, far brighter than it did a month ago.

You have control and options.

This honestly is the the light at the end of your tunnel.

Things will get better, just try not to think too far ahead right now as there are too many unknowns. I would contact Women's Aid and see if they can offer any support.

You really can do this, and do it well! Honestly, I found being a single parent to my brood far easier than being with an unpleasant man, they zap your energy so so much.
Be patient with the wait, give yourself time to grow in to this new (formidable) you. Oh, and there are councils that have immediate lets/will let you on to their waiting lists even if you are outwith their area.

I promise you that this time will pass and you'll get on your feet!. I had to leave my family home with three kids and just our clothes,into a home far away from my family. Men who do this to their own kids are the lowest of the low.

But I kept reminding myself of the reasons I left. And it was hard but we got there. And it felt good building a new life that was ours and no one could take away from us.

I wish you all the best x

You are absolutely not a failure.

Have a look at entitledto.org, their benefits calculator is very accurate and you’ll have an idea of what money you will have.

Does your ex pay maintenance? If not, he needs to.

Everything is going to work out fine, I promise. You and your baby are safe and you have a bright future ahead of you x

It will get better, I promise. I’ll not lie - the first 6 months were horrendous financially.

but one thing you can do today - for free - is phone the CMS and get that ball rolling. They’ll waive the application fee because there’s been DV and police attendance.

id second calling WA because of the emotional (and practical) support they can offer.

unless you have a fabulous career and tons of supportive family around you - I’d hold fire on the rushing back to work and get your head on first.

im not sure what your housing options are for your area - but there are parts of the uk where you could wait weeks rather than years for a council house.

You are not being unreasonable to be scared.
But although I suspect his motives for calling the police were to bring the situation to a head with him event remaining in his place I do still think that although it's incredibly painful and dramatic it's better to have the breakup behind you than to be trapped in that hell. Your only raft 'hope' (that he'd change,).

The worst is behind you now.

You are not a failure you have taken your child away from a dangerous man. Try to stop thinking of the bigger picture as you don’t know what that is. Literally take one day at a time. Like op said above there’s help financially. Women’s aid are great as well. This is only for a short time and your future will be way better then being stuck with a abusive man. Best of luck you will get there

OP you are not a failure, please don't be hard on yourself. Focus on getting through one day at a time. As the days go by, it'll start to get a bit easier. You'll find your own ways to cope and manage everything.

You know when you are driving through a long tunnel you get to that really dark bit where your phone or radio signal finally drops out and it's a bit scary? And then just after that you see the light at the end of the tunnel?
That's where you are now. Keep moving forward and you will see light soon. Better to go through this now than in 5 years time when you have to worry about school as well.
I have been where you are, fleeing DV with small child/ren, and I PROMISE you, you can do this and it will get better and you will be stronger than you can even imagine. One foot in front of the other.
There are some good practical suggestions above, such as calling Women's Aid etc.

Good luck

Thank you for your kind words, I’m feel like crying now..
Unfortunately I don’t have a family nearby so it’s all on me otherwise I could move in with my mum for awhile. She could help me a little bit financially if things go really really bad.
Regards ex - despite everything he loves his son and generally is good with him ( I’m guess all woman say this after ), and we agreed that in the future we don’t want to cut each out and try to co-parent as best as we can. He’s more than happy to pay any money and has said while we are in the emergency housing we can always come here while he’s out of the house and cook some hot food for DS, wash clothes etc.

Im trying to take one day at a time and stay positive but it’s so hard and everything just looks very bleak at the moment.

My daughter's father left when I was six months pregnant, and I lost my job around the same time, and it was hard yes and still is a lot of the time but it's not impossible. It's a lot easier without a knobhead man in the picture.
I grew up with parents who hated each other and that was far, far worse than this! We do all the free things, we take picnics, I work when she's in nursery. It gets better and you're going to be alright.

You’ll get there. Your baby won’t remember any of this, they’ll know they were loved and safe.

You may be lucky and get something soon or it may take awhile but it’ll be worth it. Save whilst you can, he’s a baby so don’t splurge now on gifts etc put money aside.

Be sure to claim any benefits you may be entitled to etc.

Good luck💐it will be worth it in the end.

OP I was in a similar situation to you seven years ago. I am now in an infinitely better place. I am happier, wealthier and in control of my life and my daughter is thriving.

What you are feeling is totally natural but I can guarantee you this is the best thing to have happened. In three years you will look at this as the point your life turned around.

For now just be kind to yourself, take small steps and get as much help as you can.

So we are booked into a hotel.
Obviously a basic but actually not that bad room. Its at the different part of the town I’m not familiar with. We’ve separated our UC claims and both are claiming as single person. Also have an appointment regards housing benefit claim in 2 weeks.

Like I said my ex is not that bad, specially for his son as he loves him very much despite our relationship problems. As here are no any cocking facilities and/or most of DS toys are there, we are welcome to go there every day and cook hot food and wash clothes or whatever we need.
Let’s see what the future holds.