How to instil confidence in kids

[nugget22]

Sorry this might be a long one but any guidance would be very gratefully received.

I have a ds11 who is a lovely, funny, intelligent and kind boy. He has his silly moments like all kids but he is and always has been a really good kid. Never caused me any problems --unlike his younger siblings.

He is talented at sports and over the last year or so has joined a competitive sports team. The issue is his confidence. Despite being really good, being told he is good, winning awards for being good he just doesn't have belief in himself. If his teammates or the opposition say anything negative to him (which happens a lot in the heat of a game) it really upsets him. He takes everything personally. He is a people pleaser and hates feeling like he has made a mistake that's affected the team or that he's let people down.

It's getting where he is emotional before a game and sometimes during if things go badly. He is a bag of nerves and it's awful to see. I don't want him to quit because he loves the game. But at times it is stressful and no longer enjoyable for him or us as his parents to watch. It would just be so much better if he were more confident in himself and/or if he gave less of a shit what other people say or think and just did his best. His best is good enough! He just doesn't think it is.

Would really appreciate some help on building his confidence. Any books or resources or just advice from people with similar kids.

I am worried that his sensitivity is going to cause him issues as he moves into the teen years.

Bump

Sometimes you have to realise that all kids are different and will always have insecurities. Some are too loud/some too quiet/ too confident/ too insecure
By being a caring parent you are doing the best thing. No books will tell you how fo encourage your son - you are already doing it perfectly
It sounds as though hes a team player which is great and he sounds amazing but he may also be picking up on you worrying about this or reacting to his reactions

You sound lovely and so does he - To boost confidence maybe its tiny things like asking to take a lid off a jar that you cant open (well… pretend not able to) .. nothing huge but lots of little things that all together will boost his ‘can do’ attitude

Not too much wrong with being a people pleaser it shows an empathetic nature which is a gift.
Not much advice sorry OP but its a normal to worry about our children - we’d be rubbish if we didn’t. He sounds healthy, happy and well balanced

You're not alone! I'm sat here having a very similar thought tonight. My DS 12 is goalkeeper and that mistakes are his fault and I'd say he often gets the comments for it. One of the teams he plays for (they're a year older than him but he's the one standing in) can be harsh and he feels slightly shaky to play for them. Not for the fainthearted so I see exactly where you're coming from.

I asked him if he wants to keep doing it and he said yes...

So what's the solution? Firstly, I drop my own people pleasing tendencies and tell myself a new story

• he's stepping up in a big way
• with the lows also come the highs
• he's learning to operate under a lot of pressure
• it's brave to put your neck on the line for a team

and then there's more practical help like showing him how to find his confidence (visualising a successful game he had before and staying in that zone as much as possible)

also, always making sure to emphasise that it's important to be in the game, and it's not important if you win LOL I know tell that to 12 year old boys...

there is a book I've read and it had some great bits (this is how I learned about the visualisation) but also a lots of sports coach anecdotes YAWNNN! in case you're interested, it's called 'the confident mind' (of course!) I'd say it could be summarised in a few paragraphs but I was still glad I read it (almost to the end)

you have my sympathy OP and do share anything you find that helps please!
Good luck

Thank you both this is really helpful.
My son also plays goalkeeper and I get that it's a thankless position. But he's really good and it seems such a shame that he is letting his own lack of self belief get in the way of him doing well and having fun.
I also worry about how sensitive he is to criticism as kids and teens in particular can be mean and he's going to have a tough time when he goes to seniors next year at this rate :-(

He has an external locus of evaluation which is just a fancy way of saying he gets his confidence from outside influences and not from within. Really common with children and adults tbh!

Seeing him how he really is will help….. what I mean by that is literally reflecting what you’re seeing from him ‘I see a lovely, kind boy who is so talented at sports that he has won awards but it doesn’t seem like you feel like that and it makes me so sad’. ‘What do you feel you would need to be enough / what are you missing?’ Let’s talk about the importance of those things, when did they become so important and why. How important are things like kindness to you?

‘I saw you getting upset today during the game. Can you describe what that was like for you’.

So instead of trying to change his reality you experience his life as he sees it and feels it. Show him empathy but also challenge this belief system that he has put in place.

If you Google external / internal locus of evaluation I bet a load of tips come up x

This is a nice article about top goalies who feel like your son does

www.google.com/amp/s/www.espn.com/soccer/english-premier-league/23/blog/post/3845064/goalkeepers-go-to-dark-places-after-making-a-high-profile-mistake-how-do-the-pros-handle-the-pressure%3fplatform=amp

He should pay himself on the back for being one of the few who will step up to the plate and actually be a goalie!

Some necessary things to do, I'd say, to handle the pressure - have him do positive affirmations every day about being a great goalie, only positive self talk, not negative self talk, maybe mental rehearsal of game days, that nerves are his body's way of trying to prep him for action, and a daily reminder to himself to focus on the positives only and not the negatives. He's in a pressured situation and he's doing amazing!

Omg, thank you for this.

We are going through this with my 8 year old goal keeper

Confidence has to be modelled, it’s often the kids with sensitive or introverted parents that are the same themselves.