Abusive, drug addict ex is getting contact with toddler. How do I cope?

[Newmum1998]

Ex abused me, has drug addiction and is an alcoholic. He’s also got criminal history for abusing ex girlfriend d as well as me
I’ve got a non harassment order
Family court has given him supervised contact for short period then if good report from the centre will progress to non supervised
They haven’t ordered drug testing as I didn’t have contact with him for a while and all the proof I have of him being on drugs was 8 months to over a year ago and I was told by solicitor court won’t look at the evidence or even consider it
Everyone in town knows he’s got a drug problem, he’s had it for at least 10 years. He can’t hold down a job, lost jobs cause he’s been caught taking drugs at work, lots of drug gangs at his family’s door for his drug debts for years threatening them, he steals money from everyone for drugs I could go on and on he took drugs in the house with our child there
Our child is under 2 so totally vulnerable
ex very volatile and unpredictable, has a lot violent outbursts and very manipulative and emotionally Abusive. Lies about anything and everything and had already said horrible things about me to our child’s face even tho they aretoo young to understand and he’s attempted and threatened to take him from me and not return him
However he’s getting the contact and I can’t do anything about it, they not even drug testing him so will probably progress on to overnights quickly

So I ask how am I meant to come to terms with this...I can’t keep my son safe from him so what can I do, I’m struggling to cope with it

I have never taken drugs in my life and I could count in one hand the number of times I have been drunk

I was very sheltered growing up and so when I let ex I didn’t recognise the very obvious signs he was on drugs until it was too late. I am from a different town so I didn’t know of his reputation

there is a good chance he won't do well in the supervised contact period. if he is unreliable / grumpy / unable to play with your toddler, then it won't progress to unsupervised.

I was told them might extend supervised contact by 2-3 sessions if there are “BIG red flags” apparently

I’m so sorry you’re going through this you must be worried sick. I don’t have any specific advice but I’m bumping for you x

I really am worried sick
I want to protect my child it’s all I care about but the court won’t let me I have to allow contact knowing he’s on drugs and it’s putting our child at risk of harm
I can’t believe the police and health visitor I spoke to all said to go through the family court and “court will decide what’s best for the child” that was their exact words
how is this what is best for my child

I agree with a previous commentator, he may well come undone during supervision.

Possibly but he is also very manipulative and can be very very charming when he wants to be and the sessions are only an hour long
how hard is it for someone to hold it together for 1 hour

I'm really sorry to hear that, obviously you want to keep your little boy safe.

I don't have specific advice unfortunately but as a Foster carer I have had dealings with parents who are drug addicts etc and they were very strict on the drug tests (combination of urine and hair samples)

I am surprised with his criminal history etc they won't look at testing - I wonder if the solicitor is right...

Hopefully someone with more legal understanding will be along soon. 💐

Bumping for you, maybe you could post in a different section? I beleive there may be a legal section on here

I went through a similar experience but without the ‘proof’ of him being abusive towards me. I went to family court and they completely disregarded the abuse towards me, because as they claimed he wasn’t abusive towards our child so it was irrelevant to them. They even put in the court order ‘no third party handover’ as I wanted a third party due to the abuse. Regarding the drug addiction, ex regularly does cocaine and smokes weed. I requested a drug test and they gave him 3 months notice for the test to only go back 3 months, so they allowed him a heads up to stop using. He failed the weed test yet they still allowed him unsupervised contact due to them thinking it’s irrelevant also. I told them that when he consumes cannabis he is like a vegetable and incapable of caring for our child and when he doesn’t, he has withdrawals and is completely angry and aggressive. Still the courts didn’t care and gave my sons dad everything he wanted. It’s horrible, they should do everything in their power to keep children safe but in my opinion they see a dad wanting to be involved and give them everything they ask for as they see a present, abusive, drug using dad better than no dad. The positive though, my son has been seeing his dad unsupervised for over a year now and this includes overnights. I understand I don’t know what happens behind closed doors and I’m on edge every time my son goes to him, but he always comes back happy and healthy.

I’m so sorry to hear they just completely disregarded the abuse because you didn’t have proof. Unfortunately these things mainly happen behind closed doors as it’s the nature of the crime so we often don’t have proof.
They also completed disregarded the things I couldn’t prove (even tho they were able to see ex has history of exact same behaviour with his ex on police record) and they only took into account what I could prove with witnesses and text messages (which was only a little of what all actually happened) and ex played the mental health card and they accepted that so they weren’t concerned about abuse but more so about exes behaviour because of mental health

my ex is the same it’s a cocaine addiction and he sounds very similar to your ex, Unfortunately I was told by solicitor people use cocaine and cannabis recreationally and the court accepts that (although my Ex certainly does not use it recreationally either!) and I have proof of drug gangs threatening him and his family and showing up at their door for years as well as ex girlfriend and him stealing money from everyone for drugs but solicitor says because evidence is more than 9 months old court won’t even look at it or consider it
I’ve not had any contact with ex or his family the past 9 months (apart from through solicitors) because there have been bail conditions in place and now a non harassment order so he not allowed to contact me so of course I’m not going to have recent evidence of drug use there hasn’t been any contact for so long! That doesn’t mean he hasn’t been using obviously but the court doesn’t care basically
but thank you that does make me feel better your son is safe and happy after unsupervised contact, I’m terrified something will happen to my son during it so that’s really nice to hear

and thank you everyone for your advice to post on legal form but as I said I already have had proper legal advice from solicitor, I have been going through court for months and months already and unfortunately this is just the way things are. I think I’m more just looking for people who have experienced the same thing and who are able to tell me it’ll be okay basically! 😭

I really hope it works out well for you and your son, I would keep a diary of anything/everything and keep any texts etc just in case for future reference.