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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband saying we can't afford for me to be signed off

27 replies

ihatebeingpregnant · 11/10/2022 17:47

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and unfortunately unlike with my first born I'm not having an easy ride. I'm suffering from really bad spd/sciatica type pain and am really struggling to walk much, and I'm also getting almost constant headaches and vertigo. I can't believe how early I'm struggling compared to last time and finding it really daunting how long is left when I'm feeling so unwell/in pain/dizzy almost relentlessly. I don't feel comfortable driving anymore due to the severity of the vertigo. I've seen MW/GP and they haven't been able to really do anything. I'm just told to avoid driving and that I'll feel better once the babies here. I only get half pay from work since I had a lot of time off sick earlier in the pregnancy with sickness and I've used up by 8 weeks full pay. I've been back at work for 10 weeks and planned to work through to maternity leave at 38 weeks. I'm now wanting to move my maternity leave earlier but worried about using loads before the baby is even born. I work 35 mins away from home and can't easily get to work without driving, my husband is saying to get a bus but it's a 15 min uphill walk to my work from the bus and a 15 min walk from bus stop to my house so it sounds like a lot when I'm not well. I said I think I need to get signed off, my GP has agreed but my husband is saying we can't afford it. My salary doesn't go towards our bills, it really just paid for my 3yo childcare but now he's 3 it's fully funded so my salary is freed up and I was going to start contributing towards the house. We've survived fine, and we aren't struggling but the extra income was welcome. I understand it's frustrating to go a few more months without that money free if I'm only on half pay, but I'm struggling so much and feel like I'm running myself into the ground. AIBU to just get signed off? It's not a question of we can't survive on half pay so it seems really unfair to force me to struggle on or start maternity leave ridiculously early

OP posts:
UpToMyElbowsInDiapers · 11/10/2022 17:49

YANBU at all. That sounds awful.

nutbrownhare15 · 11/10/2022 17:49

Yanbu. See a physio for the spd, list of recommended practitioners at www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk

oobeedoobee · 11/10/2022 17:56

YANBU at all, but your H is !

I'm quite certain that HE wouldn't be up for forcing himself to go to work when suffering like you are ! And for 3 whole bloody months ?

And of course, at the end of the 3 long, painful, exhausting months, YOU get to go through a long labour too !
Then it's instantly onto the newborn baby (as well as an active toddler !), doing all the housework/cleaning/cooking etc, because YOU'RE on maternity leave ffs! (which, of course, actually equals sitting on your arse all day watching TV according to most Dads!)

Nope ! No way ! Forget it ! Not happening !

Tell your H that you are NOT well enough for work, and will be taking the sensible advice of your Midwife and GP !

AloysiusBear · 11/10/2022 18:06

I think if you get signed off due to illness in pregnancy you are likely to be made to start your maternity leave as early as possible, i think around 27 weeks, anyway. Pretty sure you can't start maternity leave any earlier unless your baby arrives prematurely.

AloysiusBear · 11/10/2022 18:08

Sorry got that wrong you can only be made to start mat leave early in the last 4 weeks of pregnancy

Gatoalaplaya · 11/10/2022 18:11

Please do get signed off. I was signed off late with SPD, having struggled along for quite a few weeks (and nothing like as bad as the walks you will face) and it's broken me permanently - nearly 4 years later am still in pain. Get signed off and look after yourself 💐

Topgub · 11/10/2022 18:11

Can you work from home?

If not the yanbu.

Yika · 11/10/2022 18:11

YANBU, you must put your health first given that you can survive on the lower income.

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/10/2022 18:22

Work can only put you on maternity leave from 36 weeks, unless baby comes earlier. So I would hold out for 36 weeks if you can. it really boils down to how you are going to manage the next 13 weeks.

As it's now a 'fit note' the Dr can make recommendation as to how much work you can do. Ie phased return, altered hours, amended duties. In theory, with a fit note you can attend work for 1 hour a day and be entitled to full pay. As long as you are working, you cannot be on sick pay.

PinkSnowAndStars · 11/10/2022 18:27

I’d try and ride it out until 25 weeks, Purely because it’ll screw up your maternity pay as it’s based on your earnings between weeks 17-25. But if you really can’t manage, then you can’t manage.

(I got screwed over by being unwell with my first 11 years ago)

minervamcgonagall2 · 11/10/2022 18:40

@ihatebeingpregnant please as PP says get yourself referred to women physio ASAP as well as getting signed off. Push push push with your GP and midwife. Once you get referred do their exercises religiously. Otherwise you run risk of being on crutches / in a wheelchair by the end of pregnancy. Good luck 🌸

Soakitup37 · 11/10/2022 18:48

As pp poster said be careful that you don’t get signed off during the “qualifying weeks” for pay.
could you take any annual leave to ride this out until you pass qualifying weeks? It’s horrible for you and I do sympathise, I had bad spd in my pregnancy earlier this year and was commuting into London and needing physio but you may well regret not toughing it out for a tiny bit longer to get your mat pay.

Msloverlover · 11/10/2022 19:18

nutbrownhare15 · 11/10/2022 17:49

Yanbu. See a physio for the spd, list of recommended practitioners at www.pelvicpartnership.org.uk

This. I had it really badly first time round but never saw anyone. It started wayyy earlier this time but I found a brilliant chiropractor who has been adjusting me and giving me exercises. I’m now nearly fine. Very achey but no spd or sciatica. I honestly think I would have been on crutches by now if it wasn’t for her. May also be able to help with headaches.

Merlott · 11/10/2022 19:43

You do get maternity allowance if worst case you don't qualify for statuatory mat pay. When I did it in 2017 it was the same amount of money each week. I just had to claim mat allowance via the government website, a bit of extra paperwork but same amount of cash.

Pp are correct, you are at risk of permanent injury with spd.

Your husband needs to get educated about spd

sandytooth · 11/10/2022 19:51

If the GP thinks you need to be signed off then why the fuck does your husband think he knows better? Does he not care about your health? What an absolute dickhead.

sandytooth · 11/10/2022 19:52

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/10/2022 18:22

Work can only put you on maternity leave from 36 weeks, unless baby comes earlier. So I would hold out for 36 weeks if you can. it really boils down to how you are going to manage the next 13 weeks.

As it's now a 'fit note' the Dr can make recommendation as to how much work you can do. Ie phased return, altered hours, amended duties. In theory, with a fit note you can attend work for 1 hour a day and be entitled to full pay. As long as you are working, you cannot be on sick pay.

Is there any chance of getting a taxi in and working an hour? Or would the Dr advise against this?

DonnaBanana · 11/10/2022 19:54

He needs to work some more hours and actually provide then if he wants to make that claim.

dottiedodah · 11/10/2022 20:04

I think your health comes first really. I expect dh is probably worrying about the lost money as many men do .however you are carrying his child ,looking after another and you need to tell him this .just say doc has signed you off full stop .

Prettypaisleyslippers · 11/10/2022 20:28

Can he drive you to work?

chaiteaforme · 11/10/2022 20:31

Absolutely ask your GP or midwife for an urgent referral to physio for the SPD; even better if it is a physio experienced in maternal care.

I had SPD quite badly (although strangely my pre-existing sciatica did not worsen) and was referred to a physio who had been working in a maternity unit and I was so much better after just two visits. One thing I remember her doing was some sort of pressure point technique on the front pubic bone (I think) and the improvement was amazing. If it gets really bad they can give you crutches.

ItsStardustBackAgain · 11/10/2022 20:47

YANBU. You don’t need your husband’s permission to be unwell. This is not Iran or Afghanistan! Get signed off.

I’m so sorry and hope things improve.

expat101 · 11/10/2022 21:32

If he is worried about money, can you have a garage sale and sell off anything you don’t need or use?

ThisShipIsSinking · 11/10/2022 21:41

You need to put yourself first, when l was pregnant l worked full time right up to two weeks before baby was due, l had severe anemia and bad back pain due to nerve in my spine, and l was fit for nothing by the time baby arrived. I wish now l had gone off sick.

Worthyornot · 11/10/2022 21:46

Gosh op, I feel for you. Why can't your dh drop you off at work and pick up? It seems like you will be fine financially so what is his issue? He needs to help you find a solution not leave you to suffer this out. He also doesn't know better than the doctor who signed you off.

PenguinLove1 · 11/10/2022 21:53

minisoksmakehardwork · 11/10/2022 18:22

Work can only put you on maternity leave from 36 weeks, unless baby comes earlier. So I would hold out for 36 weeks if you can. it really boils down to how you are going to manage the next 13 weeks.

As it's now a 'fit note' the Dr can make recommendation as to how much work you can do. Ie phased return, altered hours, amended duties. In theory, with a fit note you can attend work for 1 hour a day and be entitled to full pay. As long as you are working, you cannot be on sick pay.

This is not correct - if a doctor recommends and puts on a fit note that you can only do reduced hours or duties, your work could then ask you to make up the hours you cannot work by taking them unpaid or using your half pay sick hours.

This may still be a better option though if you could work shorter days and then use your sick pay for the remaining hours each day you could earn around 75% of your salary for working half days which isnt bad / depends what you do or if your work can accommodate. Or get your doctor to suggest alternative days so work monday, Wednesday and Fridays so you get a rest in between with half pay sick pay on those dates?

Obviously if its not possible and you are really ill then you need to be signed off then do that, but if you have already had 8 weeks off sick and now want signed off at 23 weeks its a long time to not be earning when the baby isnt here

Your husband may be worried about money and doesnt want to say - it sounds like he financially supports a growing family entirely on his own and we are in a cost of living crisis so i don't agree with the pp that said he needs to work more hours to support you, that sounds unfair. You mentioned that your salary was going to be extra but maybe he thought that extra would help lighten the load a bit or save for when the baby is here

If you really need to be at home then could you look for some sources of income you could do from home?