Time to move on?

[NoodleQueen84]

Back in 2019, SIL's husband asked for a divorce. It was totally unexpected as things had not been right for some time.

They sold their house and went their separate ways. He bought a new house and SIL moved in with MIL and FIL and her daughter in 2020.

2022 - they're still living with the in-laws. SIL has not got over this relationship breakdown as has been permanently depressed since.

MIL insists we stay with her when we go and visit (we live about 4 hours away) and will not hear of us staying in a hotel. The house is cramped and it is like walking on eggshells around SIL in fear of saying the wrong thing.

MIL and FIL are now feeling very down because she hasn't moved out and won't be moving out until Dec 23 at the earliest. Every weekend MIL says has been awful.

DH is getting very irritated by it all and thinks she needs to move out and stand on her own two feet -I think in part this is also because he feels the house is too cramped for us to go and visit and for in-laws to spend quality time with our DC

MIL came to stay with us for a few days because she needed a break, but SIL constantly on the phone.

I don't really want to get involved or say anything because I don't think it is my place, but DH wants to call SIL and tell her what he thinks and the impact her depression is having on their parents. He feels their lives have been put on hold. I feel this will make matters worse, but do agree that perhaps after 2.5 years of living there other accommodation could have been sought (property prices are a lot cheaper in this part of the country).

Should DH call or will this make the whole situation 10x worse? MIL is upset that we are not going up for Christmas, but due to space and last year we don't want to do it again this year. It was not a very happy Christmas.

It depends entirely on the relationship he has with sil. If they are close, he could perhaps suggest that moving out will help her move on and make a positive change. But big brother telling her off for her depression ruining her parents life is not going to help.

DH can be quite blunt at times, which is not always a good thing, but I wonder whether some bluntness might help put things into context. Their cousin has just been diagnosed with terminal cancer and even this has not helped put things into perspective.

Personally, I don't think he should say anything. It's up to your in-laws to broach the subject. Your DH doing it will only make matters worse, especially if she definitely has to be there for at least another year and future visits will be even more awkward than they are now.

You can't be forced to stay there when visiting - book a nice hotel or Airbnb and spend time with in-laws outside of the family home without SIL so they can spend quality with with you and DC. If you spend every Xmas with them, missing one shouldn't be made into a big deal. Plan a lovely Christmas just for your nuclear family this one year, book other accommodation for future visits and look forward to Christmas next year with the whole family when, hopefully, the whole situation has been resolved and SIL has happily settled into a new home

I think it would help more if you insist on the hotel and stick to your guns over Christmas, vs telling off SiL.

It is hard. My SiL is single and relies heavily on my in-laws - she lives alone but has no idea about sorting her own insurance/phone/mortgage. DH and I have agreed we are not replacing them in this when they are older/no longer with us.

When you visit, book a nice hotel so that you can enjoy it with your DCs and get better quality time. Have MIL and FIL meet you out and about, e.g. a park, café etc. Meet with SIL separately so they can all have a break from eachother and meet SIL outside the house too.

Don't visit as frequently if it's costly to have the hotel but at least you will enjoy the visit more. If DH is going to talk to SIL, he needs to do this 1-1 and not in her "home". A nice meal out for the two of them could be a good option.