My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

Workplace woes

24 replies

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:04

Really feel fed up at work at the moment. It seems like such a toxic place. Can't leave as it's convenient for me as it's near my daughters school, and the hours suit me as I get several days off a week.

I feel like my manager really dislikes me. No idea why. I feel like she is bullying me and singling me out. Eg. Telling me off for things that I see others doing, yet they don't get spoken to.

I've started making a list of times when I feel I've been treated unfairly, as I've read this is a good idea.

Trying so hard to fit in. Wondering what on earth I have done wrong. 😢

AIBU to expect not to be treated like this? Should I just keep my head down and carry on?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:06

What are you being told off for? Are the things you're doing wrong or shouldn't be doing?

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:10

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:06

What are you being told off for? Are the things you're doing wrong or shouldn't be doing?

Can't give to much info as it will be outing. But silly things to do with my uniform. And the manager tells you off by shouting in front of the whole team, rather than taking you to the side quietly.

OP posts:
2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 11:11

Are the things you're doing wrong or shouldn't be doing?

Whether or not they're things she should or shouldn't be doing is irrelevant if others are also doing it.

You shouldn't be getting treated like this. You're doing the right thing keeping a record. Make sure you're noting the dates too.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:11

Ok but is she right to tell you off for it?

If she is, don't give her any reasons to challenge you. She's probably making an example of you so others toe the line.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:12

2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 11:11

Are the things you're doing wrong or shouldn't be doing?

Whether or not they're things she should or shouldn't be doing is irrelevant if others are also doing it.

You shouldn't be getting treated like this. You're doing the right thing keeping a record. Make sure you're noting the dates too.

No it's not irrelevant. That's a childish mindset. "Oh I shouldn't be told off because other people are doing it too."

No. Just do things properly then other people will get pulled up on it. Multiple people being wrong doesn't make it ok.

2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 11:13

@girlmom21 Childish lol!! First rule of management - treat your staff fairly and equally.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:16

2ManyPjs · 11/10/2022 11:13

@girlmom21 Childish lol!! First rule of management - treat your staff fairly and equally.

First rules of being in a workplace - wear your uniform properly and do your job properly.

There could be loads of reasons the others aren't being told off. My guess would be that the OP's misdemeanour is more obvious for some reason.

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:21

There could be loads of reasons the others aren't being told off. My guess would be that the OP's misdemeanour is more obvious for some reason.

What do you mean by that?

Without giving it away, say for example you aren't allowed to wear a necklace, and I've forgotten to remove mine for the first time since working there, and get told off for it, yet others that same day all have necklaces on and are seen by the manager.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:23

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:21

There could be loads of reasons the others aren't being told off. My guess would be that the OP's misdemeanour is more obvious for some reason.

What do you mean by that?

Without giving it away, say for example you aren't allowed to wear a necklace, and I've forgotten to remove mine for the first time since working there, and get told off for it, yet others that same day all have necklaces on and are seen by the manager.

I mean, in your example, is your necklace a silver decorative chain with a shiny pendant or big emerald and theirs is a discrete thin gold chain that's hidden by their collar?

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:33

I mean, in your example, is your necklace a silver decorative chain with a shiny pendant or big emerald and theirs is a discrete thin gold chain that's hidden by their collar?

Everybody's 'necklace' is exactly the same.

OP posts:
Hillarious · 11/10/2022 11:34

Focus on the positives - the location, the hours - and just ensure you remove your necklace.

SnarkyBag · 11/10/2022 11:43

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:12

No it's not irrelevant. That's a childish mindset. "Oh I shouldn't be told off because other people are doing it too."

No. Just do things properly then other people will get pulled up on it. Multiple people being wrong doesn't make it ok.

I think you’re the one with a childish mindset! The OP isn’t a naughty school girl who needs to be shouted at when she’s done something wrong. Of course managers need to discuss issues if there are any but nobody needs “telling off” as a grown woman.

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:44

@SnarkyBag nobody would need to be 'told off' if they were doing things properly.
The OP's example was this being the first time she's done it so she's starting to test boundaries as a newbie.

Just follow the rules.

OP just remove your 'necklace'.

SnarkyBag · 11/10/2022 11:46

girlmom21 · 11/10/2022 11:44

@SnarkyBag nobody would need to be 'told off' if they were doing things properly.
The OP's example was this being the first time she's done it so she's starting to test boundaries as a newbie.

Just follow the rules.

OP just remove your 'necklace'.

You’ve missed the point but never mind crack on!

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:49

Thanks yes, I'm going to focus on the positives, I do love my job and I know I'm good at it.

I will make sure my 'necklace' is removed. I would just love to know why I am singled out but I don't think I will ever know.

OP posts:
VatofTea · 11/10/2022 11:52

I can tell you from experience, even if there is inequality, you won't be treated well by raising any concerns in a robust way. Gentle comments may make the manager think twice, don't make management afraid of you.....they will just escalate if they see you as a threat.

If possible, play the game with them, abide by the rules as much as you can, and if it is intolerable, look around for alternatives.

Managers can push back hard on anyone that they feel threatened by and can give little favors to those that suck up to them. It doesn't pay to be overly honest with your feedback to management, it does pay to (perhaps discretely air your views in a very modest, gentle way) and to at least outwardly respect the hierarchy of the organization. Management can be very childish and feel the need to slap people down if they feel insulted by their comments.

cherry2727 · 11/10/2022 11:54

Op ignore the few snarky remarks on here . You feel singled out and you most probably are !! I have seen this happen in the workplace and it's quite sad - I think it's a bit of a power tip for senior managers and they tend yo do it to the employees they're likely to get away with it from. I'd advise you to stand up for yourself - non confrontational or rude but just highlight the unfairness when you see it !

badgermushrooms · 11/10/2022 11:54

I worked somewhere like this once. There were some internal politics going on relating to various promotions before I had even got there which a number of people were still huffy about and for ridiculous cliquey reasons there was an unspoken agreement to take it out on me. Start looking for a new job now, the only way this will change is if someone new starts and even then it will be hard work. I stayed way too long and it destroyed my confidence.

Begoniasforever · 11/10/2022 11:54

I think you need to be clearer, what are you being told off for? It seems like you’re admitting you do wrong stuff but take exception as you don’t think others get into trouble for it?

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:58

Begoniasforever · 11/10/2022 11:54

I think you need to be clearer, what are you being told off for? It seems like you’re admitting you do wrong stuff but take exception as you don’t think others get into trouble for it?

I've already explained this above. I can't say exactly as too outing.

I did the 'wrong thing' once, it's not something I keep doing.

But others don't get told off for it whereas I have mistakenly done it once. I just want to be treated like everyone else.

OP posts:
Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 11:59

cherry2727 · 11/10/2022 11:54

Op ignore the few snarky remarks on here . You feel singled out and you most probably are !! I have seen this happen in the workplace and it's quite sad - I think it's a bit of a power tip for senior managers and they tend yo do it to the employees they're likely to get away with it from. I'd advise you to stand up for yourself - non confrontational or rude but just highlight the unfairness when you see it !

Thanks, this is really helpful x

OP posts:
VatofTea · 11/10/2022 12:02

The people not getting told off may have gathered brownie points for lying for the managers previously. It's possibly just a toxic workplace, lots of places are.

Managers strutting around correcting some people, being authoritative, but they can't correct others.....for whatever unspoken reason, maybe the ones getting off the hook know some of the skeletons in the closet. Seriously, don't take it personally, and don't bother trying to correct the bad behavior, you don't change the culture in an organization, just witness it and see if you can tolerate it.

Gunner1510 · 11/10/2022 12:21

Have seen things like this in previous places I have worked. Managers who seem to say things to or single out those who quietly do their job or are nice and don’t talk back, constantly being singled out and jumped on for small mistakes while those who shout the loudest, are toxic and cause lots of issues have nothing said to them for the exact same things, never mind their appalling behaviour being tackled.

This is generally due to weak and incompetent management and usually makes them feel they still have some kind of authority as they have lost control over some of their staff. Weak and incompetent managers are a recipe for disaster in toxic workplaces and often breed this environment and behaviour.

If it is just a one off with your uniform for example, I would advise ensuring your uniform is always correct as required and keep your head down and do your job. If you are doing it regularly then yes said manager will need to enforce the rules and speak to you about this, however shouting in front of the whole team is not the way to go about this.

Keep to the rules and see if anything changes in their treatment of you, if not you may be being singled out. Keep a record of everything and think about whether you would feel confident things could change if you raised a complaint with HR etc. As per PP if you do work in such a toxic environment sometimes you won’t get support and it can make things worse in which case I would look for something else. No one should ever have to work in this kind of environment and it isn’t worth sacrificing your health and well-being.

I genuinely cannot understand some people who go for promotion or management positions who cannot manage to save their lives. They ‘don’t like conflict’ so fail to deal with and address issues. If you don’t like conflict why the fuck would you be a manager?! It’s part and parcel of the role and a necessary skill!! (And by conflict I mean on all scales from small issues to large conflict, and having the ability to deal with this fairly, efficiently and respectfully)

Shiningstarr · 11/10/2022 13:05

Gunner1510 · 11/10/2022 12:21

Have seen things like this in previous places I have worked. Managers who seem to say things to or single out those who quietly do their job or are nice and don’t talk back, constantly being singled out and jumped on for small mistakes while those who shout the loudest, are toxic and cause lots of issues have nothing said to them for the exact same things, never mind their appalling behaviour being tackled.

This is generally due to weak and incompetent management and usually makes them feel they still have some kind of authority as they have lost control over some of their staff. Weak and incompetent managers are a recipe for disaster in toxic workplaces and often breed this environment and behaviour.

If it is just a one off with your uniform for example, I would advise ensuring your uniform is always correct as required and keep your head down and do your job. If you are doing it regularly then yes said manager will need to enforce the rules and speak to you about this, however shouting in front of the whole team is not the way to go about this.

Keep to the rules and see if anything changes in their treatment of you, if not you may be being singled out. Keep a record of everything and think about whether you would feel confident things could change if you raised a complaint with HR etc. As per PP if you do work in such a toxic environment sometimes you won’t get support and it can make things worse in which case I would look for something else. No one should ever have to work in this kind of environment and it isn’t worth sacrificing your health and well-being.

I genuinely cannot understand some people who go for promotion or management positions who cannot manage to save their lives. They ‘don’t like conflict’ so fail to deal with and address issues. If you don’t like conflict why the fuck would you be a manager?! It’s part and parcel of the role and a necessary skill!! (And by conflict I mean on all scales from small issues to large conflict, and having the ability to deal with this fairly, efficiently and respectfully)

Thanks so much, that's so helpful and has actually made me feel much better. I feel that describes my manager to a T.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.