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AIBU?

Why stay?

29 replies

Bathtubbathing · 10/10/2022 22:53

Met a guy at the weekend who still shares a home with his ex partner (and her mum). Separate bedrooms for years. They're staying living together for the sake of the kids. The youngest is 10, so he'll be there for a while yet.

Another male friend's 30 yr marriage ended this summer. He used to describe he and his ex as best of friends, no separate bedrooms, but he used to seek sex outside the marriage as their sex drives were different. She didn't mind. They've separated after several years of that arrangement-they stayed living together for their daughter.

XDP had separate rooms with his wife for 3 years before their split. Again, for the sake of their child.

The man I recently met was clearly craving touch and affection, as he hadn't had any for years. XDP hadn't been intimate with anyone for 5 years before we met. He revelled in being hugged, as he'd not been for so long.

I find this really hard to understand. All the advice says, as hard as it is, it's better for the children if you do split.

These are all intelligent men trying to do the right thing by their children, but it probably isn't the right thing to stay. Financially all 3 have high enough wages to support their child whilst moving on from their ex.

I'm the sort of person who looks to and plans for the longer term, so I don't get why people choose misery and uncomfortable living situations when there is a clear way out that helps everyone move on. They choose to put their lives on hold for years.

Do you understand why people stay in that awful and uncomfortable situation and subject their children to it? Help me understand please.

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Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 11/10/2022 08:52

You just want to go out with this guy, though, don’t you? And he has other commitments.

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FrozenGhost · 11/10/2022 08:59

I don't think I'd live like this if I split from my husband but I understand why some do, it's a complicated situation and there isn't a perfect solution. Sometimes people choose to do what is easiest and that means staying in a relationship that isn't the best.

And sorry but I'm cringing at you falling for the line the man trying to pick you up gave you. "Oh we are just staying together for the kids, there's no affection at all, I'm just craving a hug really....." And you are eating it up to the point you come on here to report this sad tale. That's the oldest story in the book OP, come on!

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Kitkatcatflap · 11/10/2022 10:15

If I split up with my DH, I would be putting kids first and me second. Doesn't make me right or wrong, it's just my priorities. I would not be putting meeting new men over my children. My kids need me more than some saddo at a party moaning about his ex wife to get a leg over.

Your four month experiment with your ex resulting in an eroding relationship does not make you an expert. It would take the right sort of relationship, in the right sort circumstances to make cohabitation after a break up a success.

The guys you have encountered - whining about never having a hug in five years and so desperate for a hug and affection sound weak and pathetic. Are they not trashing their home life for a sympathy shag? No woman with any self worth would give those men head space.

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Bathtubbathing · 11/10/2022 21:06

@FrozenGhostYou really think that's a pick up line? 🤣 If he'd wanted to pull me, then telling me he was living with his ex isn't the way to be enamored. I like meeting new people and seem to have a way to get them to open up.

@Kitkatcatflap XDP never whined about not having a hug for years. He owned it as his decision. He loved touching me and being touched when we were together. One early conversation told me how much he was enjoying being cuddled again, as he'd missed it. No more was said. He knew I understood that he'd chosen to try to put his kids first by living with his ex as his flatmate for 5 years. It just wasn't sustainable for either of them. Feels like you're trying to get a rise from me with your use of inflammatory language tbh. Like...

I would not be putting meeting new men over my children. My kids need me more than some saddo at a party moaning about his ex wife to get a leg over.

Me, the 2 men I know well, all put our children first. None of us put meeting someone new over our kids. Those 2 men chose to live with their ex's. I tried to for 4 months and couldn't live with what I was modelling to my children. And I couldn't finish the relationship and move on from it... That doesn't mean finding a new partner, it means finding closure on what has passed.

My friends lasted longer than me, but still they couldn't continue cohabiting until their children became adults for their own reasons. We've all read the threads of women on here who regret living in a loveless situation for years on end for the sake of their kids.

Again, there's so much theory on this thread. I'd love to hear from a few people who don't regret cohabiting with their ex for 5+ years until the kids became adults. Putting your kids first means modelling good, healthy, loving relationships imo. I still maintain cohabiting for years after separating doesn't do that.

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