Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

To ask for advice - difficult relative and city break

20 replies

TheCatsPyjamas1 · 10/10/2022 13:12

Just got back from a holiday with a close relative. We visited a city that I love and know really well (also used to lived there), at my relative’s request, because although they’ve been to the city before, there’s a few sights they haven’t seen before that they wanted to see this time.

I was happy to go with relative this time because I love them, and I love spending time in the city so was excited to re-visit.

However, the relative can be quite demanding and difficult to get on with. They also have quite strong racist views that they express openly, and can make quite sweeping generalisations about others that can be quite offensive, often within their earshot (thank god we’re in a foreign country).

They will often just reel off long monologues at me about their life, their views, our relatives - sometimes it’s interesting, sometimes it’s just a cruel and nasty rant. They live alone, so I get that they don’t spend a lot of time with other people, so they don’t really talk to people that often, hence the monologues. It’s just so exhausting though.

It really bothered me this time, because this is the longest time I’ve ever spent with relative together - literally just me and them.

Also, I organised everything for this visit - travel to city, accommodation, attractions tickets etc, and direct us everywhere.

Relative will of course pay me back money for everything I’ve spent (relative has paid for some stuff too while we’ve been here), but it’s just so mentally exhausting. I feel like a tour guide and therapist wrapped up all in one. It really doesn’t feel very equal. Although I love my relative and I have enjoyed many bits of our time in the city together, it’s just the mental exhaustion of it me that is making me frustrated.

Now the relative wants to go on another city break with me next year. I gently tried to dissuade them (very gently and diplomatically).

Relative won’t go with anyone else in our family because they don’t like anyone else, they don’t have any friends they can go with and they don’t want to go on their own (understandably) but they’re quite determined to go on this other city break next year.

I’d like to go to this other city (but have been before, so not totally fussed if I don’t go). It’s just the thought of spending more time with the relative in close quarters 24/7 is quite daunting. I just don’t think I can do it again.

Thanks for your patience if you’ve read all this.

Any advice on what I can do if relative asks me to go on city break with them next year?

OP posts:

Cw112 · 10/10/2022 13:14

Just say you aren't sure you can commit to it with work and they should plan alone this time.

KettrickenSmiled · 10/10/2022 13:17

Relative can go on any city break they choose.
You don't need to volunteer to toddler-sit them.
If they are incapable of going to a city on their own, maybe they could consider being a bit nicer to people, so they'd have people willing to accompany them.

You've done your bit. Don't mollycoddle this racist again - it's no holiday for you, is it?

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2022 13:17

Can you do a quick visit 3 day weekend or something? It sounds draining and I'd be tempted to say no or take a friend but that might be more draining. I'd say something about the racist comments its totally OK to do that,

LeningradSymphony · 10/10/2022 13:18

God, don't do it. Life is too short to be spending your personal time and money and energy on stuff like this. Sounds like relative is experiencing the consequences of their abhorrent views in not having many other people to do things like this with. No wonder they're keen to do stuff with you, they get a free therapist, listener, who won't challenge them and can listen to their vitriol without argument. It'll have been heaven for them and extremely soul destroying for you.

Two ways to play this if they ask you to go next year:

The lie: hey! I'm not looking to go on any breaks for the foreseeable, thanks for thinking of me though. I hope you have a lovely time if you go!

and repeat. 'Sorry, that won't work for me!' 'oh, I think we already talked about this, it's not in my plans at the moment' 'I said no, why do you keep asking? What's going on?'

The truth: 'last year's trip was quite difficult for me if I'm honest, I find it hard to be around someone who holds views so different to mine. I found it quite tiring, I think we're better off sticking to coffees out than big trips! I'm sure you understand'

Stop trying to be diplomatic and soft, they won't pay any notice and they're clearly not trying to be the same in return. You need to be blunt with people like this and there isn't necessarily any way to put a stop to this without upsetting them.

LeningradSymphony · 10/10/2022 13:19

And honestly, please don't go just to be kind. This person isn't considering you or being kind/polite to you, or others who have to hear their diatribes. Might be worth asking why you're trying so, so hard not to displease this person. Is there a reason?

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2022 13:19

If they are determined to go get them to book and organise it say something like well if you fancy it book it, they might not be as keen .

that1970shouse · 10/10/2022 13:20

Sounds exhausting. Not at all a break for you.

Just a "that doesn't fit in with my plans for next year, sorry. "

Or maybe you could make it just a day or two rather than a longer break (not sure how long this one was) and tell them it's their turn to do all the admin for it. If they don't arrange it, then you don't have to go! If you go and they haven't booked tickets, sussed out the transport etc. then you just mooch around and enjoy people watching from the local bars. Refuse to take responsibility, just like they have on this trip. (To be fair, if I went to a city with someone who had lived there, I would expect them to guide me around a bit and help with the best means of getting places.)

Whatever you decide to go with, keep it simple and don't go into too much detail, as the detail will just give them ammunition to argue with and give you reasons why your excuses aren't valid.

HaveringWavering · 10/10/2022 13:21

Depends. If it was a parent who was otherwise a good parent when I was growing up, I'd just grin and bear it. Maybe also a sibling if they had few friends.

If an aunt, uncle, cousin or other non nuclear family member, nope.

Mosaic123 · 10/10/2022 13:25

Is there anyone else you could take with so there are 3 of you?

And if not you could ask them to go somewhere that they definitely wouldn't want to go?

It's a difficult situation.

Firefly86 · 10/10/2022 13:25

Go for a shorter time and just suck it up?
Not ideal, but perhaps it's a middle ground??
We take a relative on hols with us sometimes and they'd kill you with kindness / incessantly waffle / waddle around/ forget things in shops restaurants and you have to go back... but, they love to come with us and every year it gets both easier and harder. (As they get older and more forgetful and less mobile and we get more used to putting up with it)

Badger1970 · 10/10/2022 13:30

It's tough because when people live alone, they can lose sight of what is/isn't socially acceptable to say. And they probably enjoyed having someone to talk to, hence the verbal diarrhoea.

How close is a close relative?

faw2009 · 10/10/2022 13:38

Why don't you suggest a few package tours for them to go by themselves?

2bazookas · 10/10/2022 13:52

Just say no, and say why. Send it as a letter .

"I'm not coming on another trip because of what happened last time. I think you know what I mean.

You made me really uncomfortable with loud racist views and rude behaviour in public".

EnormousPuppaccin0 · 10/10/2022 14:58

If you went on an organised tour you would perhaps have the opportunity to meet other people & dilute the time spent with your relative

Similarly, if you went on a cruise

I understand that you have an intense holiday with your relative

However, it is a nice thing to do

Perhaps, cut it down to a long weekend, rather than a week

KettrickenSmiled · 10/10/2022 15:21

Badger1970 · 10/10/2022 13:30

It's tough because when people live alone, they can lose sight of what is/isn't socially acceptable to say. And they probably enjoyed having someone to talk to, hence the verbal diarrhoea.

How close is a close relative?

Not sure why people believe this. I live alone - many of my friends live alone - in fact millions of people live alone, most of them without needing to be unpleasant company or racist.

It's not necessary to have a live-in speech checker to ensure you don't break the social contract.

Mrsjayy · 10/10/2022 15:59

I have friends who live alone and manage to function in the outside world just fine

Original poster

TheCatsPyjamas1 · 10/10/2022 16:06

Thanks so much all for your replies.

I think for now, if the relative asks about doing another trip, I’ll probably go with Cw112’s suggestion, and just say to the relative I’m too busy with work and unfortunately can’t commit to anything. I don’t want to hurt my relative by saying I’d prefer not to go on another trip due to their views/behaviour etc.

I agree the package tours suggestion is a good one, but unfortunately relative doesn’t want to go on them as there’s only a few cities, reasonably close to home, that they still want to visit.

Thanks so much again everyone for your advice.

OP posts:

sorcerersapprentice · 10/10/2022 18:14

Hopefully the relative will have a rethink on the package tours - there's lots of them for single people so they aren't alone

Adultchildofelderlyparents · 10/10/2022 18:27

It's difficult because most people will say just don't go away with them again, but if it's a close relative such as a parent that you feel some responsibility for then it's not so easy to fob off.
You could just choose not to go away with them again, give an excuse about all of your annual leave being accounted for with other trips.
If you are going away with them again, I'd bring the difficult conversations out in the open. It sounds horribly awkward but I did this with an elderly aunt and it worked. You say something like "I'd like to spend time with you again and this trip would be fun but because we have very different views on some topics we need to agree not to discuss them because it upsets me. Those topics are politics, race, my relationship status, etc" whatever subject you don't want.

rookiemere · 10/10/2022 19:12

It's such an awkward one because by doing the white lie " Too busy to go next year because of work" you're giving the impression that you might go the following year and relative might avoid making their own plans because of that.
But I can totally see why you don't want to call out her behaviour.

It's maybe worth researching a couple of options that might suit her and send her links to some suitable trips suggesting that you're not sure of your availability over the next year or so. Hopefully that might give her enough of a hint to book something.

Flip