use of family group chat

[caldelee]

We have a family group chat with just my siblings and parents. One of my siblings posts daily about all their minor major and in-between frustrations. They live a happy life but when it comes to texting they are generally quite a negative person.

I just wake up everyone morning to their negativity, get updates on their frustrations each day. I just feel they unfairly dump all their emotional load on us. I wouldn't dare raise it with anyone else and my attempt in the past to approach sibling and ask them to scale back was met with them telling me to leave the group if I'm not happy.

I am particularly upset today because I have heard some really rubbish news. I called and told my mum over the weekend who was with my sibling, so they know about it. I didn't put it into the group chat. Sibling is now complaining again about their day again and how their bus was late etc and I just want to tell her to STFU.

I don't want to leave the group because its wonderful getting selfies from my dad when he bumps into one of my friends, and interesting facts and news from my mum.

Is there a way I can get sibling to stop indirectly. Also sibling is married with a supportive partner so it's not like they don't have anyone else to message.

The AIBU is AIBU for not wanting the group chat to be used in this way?

Can you mute the group notifications (so it doesn't pop up) and then check as and when you feel like you want to?

thank you @Midnights it's already muted and has been for years

I don't think you can control what someone else posts, you can only control your reaction to it.
As above, mute the chat and check when you want.

Sorry cross post!
Set up another chat...add everyone and keep the title as lighthearted only... every time she posts remind her this is a light chat and post on the other one? Although full disclosure I don't think this will work!

Yanbu to not like this but they are not BU for using tglhe family group chat in the way they want either. You've told them it bothers you and they haven't changed so if you still want to be part of the chat you'll just have to find a way to ignore negative messages and only respond to the things you want to engage with. Alternatively you could suggest an extra group chat for daily moans but that probably won't go down well and you risk missing out on other family chat too.

Oh that's a pain - honestly I'm not sure you can tell them how to use it! I've had to mute mine too due to endless animal photos / updates on daily coffee / moaning about their jobs etc. I want to write in all capitals "IF I CARED ID CHECK YOUR INSTAGRAM" because they put the same photos there 😂 I just want to similar to you, see my mums garden photos or her updates on her crockery collection.

It's tough, if you've already muted and it's not helping - can you become group admin and remove them?! I've taken the stance of ignoring them most of the time and only responding to the content I want to see.

Is there a way you could use humour or sarcasm to respond and highlight the fact that she is constantly moaning without having a go? Or show concern like 'oh gosh Susan, this seems to be making you disproportionately upset, do you think you could be depressed / starting the menopause' or something each time?

Does anyone else on the chat respond to her?

@Midnights there is no way I would get away with removing them. Sometimes when they don't get the emotional support they want they remove themselves in protest but then ad themselves back again.

It has just turned into a daily emotional support group for my sibling and their crying/angry emojis because they have a headache, they trod in poo, their package is late, they had to wait long in a line is met with overwhelming support from others it's encouraged.

I feel they are being really selfish. I just wouldn't put anyone through that daily as it's so unfair

@DrinkFeckArseBrick I would want to find a way to respond to them which stops the messages but with little upset. If I accused them of overreacting they would go into a rage.

I know my parents agree with me, but they see this sibling as particularly fragile and say that they need this to cope. This sibling is fine.

Oh man I have a family member just like this and it's so draining. Yes I often just say, right enough moaning for today to try and make them see how annoying it is but it doesn't take long before they're back at it. I try the oh wow what a glorious day approach too, aren't we all so lucky to live in our wonderful country away from bombs and famine (!) That mostly falls on deaf ears too. Some people are just complete drains aren't they.

@caldelee that does sound really stressful - call me an armchair psychologist, but it sounds like perhaps they're not getting enough support somewhere else and are being dramatic for effect! Especially for an adult to be acting this way just seems quite trivial (if I stepped in poo id be a bit annoyed but not messaging the family GC!).

It seems like no matter what they're going to continue with the behaviour, which sucks and is a bit selfish.

Don't respond to the crappy moaning, only respond if it's something major that is worthy of support or positive things.

@Catonamountain that's it, I'm just drained and I just don't see why any of this needs to go into the group chat and spread negativity

Foster a chat thread with each of your parents and encourage them to post pics direct to you. Just ignore the other one, except birthdays and Christmas, no one says you have to read it.

You are their support though, they don't need to go elsewhere. I hate it, I don't want to listen to them moaning all flippin day ☹️ it's caused a lot of angst in our family

Start messaging 'Stop moaning' every time they do it. They will either leave the group in a tantrum or belt up. Win / win either way.

Try being super duper cheerful and countering every single one of her whinges with something positive and maybe she’ll get fed up and fuck off stop whinging.

stood in poo - oh that’s meant to be really lucky in some cultures and then share google link to some article and then witter in about that time a bird 💩 on your dad.

waiting for a parcel - oh aren’t these strikes awful and witter on about them. Or about how lucky we are to have such conveniences to our homes when we look at what’s going on in Ukraine etc.

headache. Poor lamb. Tell her how you read that dehydration is the main factor. And has she had a poo. A build uP of toxins from not pooing could cause a headache.

just waffle shite at her. Divert the conversation to someone else or something else every. Single. Time.

@TheCatterall this cracked me up

I'd silently leave the group and set up one with you, your parents and not her.

Or stop checking the group chat and set up one with just you and your parents.

If asked about it, just say you're protecting your mental health. Because it's true.