To ask for advice?

[Bitofperspective]

being a bit cheeky here but I was Googling for insight and stumbled across this site and found some useful comments etc. would be interested in female perspective.

im 30 and about 5 years ago I had an amazing but unconventional relationship at Uni with a girl I met while I was there. I was a post grad and she was an undergrad and 6 years younger. Bit of a ‘FWB’ situation and in retrospect I messed her around a bit in the sense that I always felt I couldn’t commit but we had a pretty intense and prolonged relationship. Neither of us were seeing anyone else and I really thought the world of her. She was really beautiful and my mates at the time thought I was nuts for not ‘sealing the deal’ as it were but I was young and full of my own importance.
I always suspected she wanted more but was the absolute epitome of the ‘stiff upper lip’ - I always admired how independent she was and how she never got flustered. She was great fun, kind and interesting. I took her for granted. Our relationship felt very intense, we shared a lot and I was always mindful that she was dealing with a lot - ie a recent sibling bereavement and I was conscious of this. I’d ask her if she wanted more and she always said she didn’t. About halfway through our relationship, I said I didn’t want to continue sleeping with her and wanted to be friends because I was concerned our relationship was becoming ‘too much like a relationship’ and I didn’t want to hurt her. I suppose I put the ball in her court. A few months later we started sleeping together again.

fast forward (we were seeing each other for 3 years) and One day, she took me off social media and I asked why. She sent me a message saying she loved me and it was too difficult to continue seeing me. She said she’d started seeing someone and wished me well. I think she blocked me afterwards because I couldn’t find her profile and she didn’t reply to my response. I was quite gutted to be honest and I was full of regret for years.

I bumped into her recently and we went for a drink. It was like no time had passed and I was insanely attracted to her. She has since confided that she grew up in a very abusive household and her mum had substance abuse. I knew she had a bad relationship with her mum but of course didn’t realise the extent and on reflection it makes a lot of sense as to why she always seemed quite guarded and in control of her emotions.

we’ve been on several dates over the past 8 weeks or so and I want to be with her. I’d really appreciate advice on this: I suppose I am lucky to not have experienced this and ultimately don’t want to blow it.

YABU to post on this board and not in Relationships.

Not au fait with protocol on here 😂

What do you want advice on?

I suppose I don’t want to screw up here and would be interested in how best to handle this. She told me all this pretty matter of fact my and I want to be sensitive to it but I’m no psychologist!

Try asking her what she wants

Follow her lead. If she wants to talk you can engage with her but don't raise her crap upbringing yourself.

Be nice and respectful and don't rush anything.

Totally, I’m happy to follow her lead. It’s obvious she doesn’t trust me which I totally understand and deserve quite quite frankly. But she’s very guarded and I don’t want to push too hard but ultimately not seem interested.

Uninterested! I sound clueless here 😂 but I suppose I’m proof that getting beyond the ‘casual relationship’ stage is a bit of a minefield!

Maybe I’m overthinking the impact of her disclosure and I’m really just dealing with a case of mistrust on her part.

Ok if you're struggling with getting past the causal relationship bit treat it as a completely new relationship. There's been a big break and neither of you are the people you were when you first met.

I honestly don’t know what you are asking either. How to handle what?

Same as pp.

You want advice on how to not fuck it up this time? Is that what you want from posting here?

If so, put your cards on the table early and tell her you regret that you treated her as a FWB and basically disrespected her and that you are serious this time

yes, it does sound like you’re over thinking about this a little. You feel guilty? She’s clearly keen to see you if you’ve been on ‘several dates’.

you’re now stewing over the revelation that her childhood was very difficult but if she had suffered “a recent sibling bereavement” when you were initially messing her around you weren’t particularly careful with her feelings? I’m assuming she’d have been about 18-20.

as for ‘how to handle’ her revelation or however you put it, be mindful that she may have experienced a lot of neglect. Look into attachment theory, she sounds a bit like she may have what is called ‘avoidant attachment’. Acts like she doesn’t care but this is all an act.

treat her with respect this time and slowly build her trust. 3 years was a long time to hang around if she wasn’t interested 🤔

That’s the thing, I feel like her previous guarded personality makes a lot of sense now and was just interested in a woman’s take on it. Thanks for the comments, previous message makes a lot of sense.
I didn’t treat her badly but I didn’t commit and I knew she wanted more. Didn’t deserve her at the time.

I suspect she allowed you to treat her badly for all those years because of her abusive childhood and the lack of self esteem and appropriate boundaries that ensues from that.

My advice would be to not repeat that pattern in any way. Be someone who respects her completely and is also completely trustworthy and committed to her. Show her you care about her in your actions as well as your words, be true to your word, be available, responsive and thoughtful. In order for her to be a good partner, she may need help as well, possibly some counselling to help her process her childhood.

Thanks, that makes a lot of sense. I guess I always had the impression that she was just a bit of a hard nut to crack, never seemed to get upset and I quite admired that in her back then; she was a lot of fun and very dry, amazing sense of humour. She’s actually quite happy to talk about her background because I’ve asked (kind of life circumstances you’d never believe that this kind of neglect could have happened and I think that’s how it could slip through the net tbh). Sometimes it’s the way she is very matter of fact about things which sound terrible rather than the stuff she thinks sounds awful.
she said she didn’t tell me because she thought it reflected badly on her, ultimately her mum was v abusive and picked everything about her image and personality to shreds. I genuinely don’t think she realises she’s very beautiful but she doesn’t seem to have any self esteem issues.
I guess it’s just been a bit of a shock to realise all this, particularly as she was surprised that I thought I treated her badly. She said I was the first person she’d ever been “emotionally intimate with” and physically affectionate in terms of, say, giving her a hug, which I found really unsettling and it was hard to hear that.
the thing that’s shocked me most is that you’d never believe this was the case and that she’d had these experiences. She’s very successful and has lots of good people in her life and I’m actually really proud of the woman she’s become. I do now know the extent of the grief she felt for her sibling and continues to do so. She said I helped her more through that than I probably realised.
appreciate the advice, i guess I just want to do this properly and I’m trying to be informed on how this kind of stuff manifests.

It’s not rocket science, imagine never having received affection or love to the extent that the guy who only wants her for sex is the first person she considers to have engaged in meaningful affection with?! I don’t doubt you had a nice time together and you speak very nicely about her but this speaks volumes.

you don’t need to tread on eggshells, just treat her with respect and -dare I say it - normally!

I didn’t commit and I knew she wanted more. Didn’t deserve her at the time.

Tell her this. Tell her you’re insanely attracted to her, you’ve had a long time to miss her and reflect on how you fucked up by not being able to commit back then, that you admire her hugely and are really thankful for her honesty and don’t want to damage her trust. Tell her you would like a proper grown-ups relationship and ask her how she feels about that.

Don’t over-analyse her background or try to second-guess how it’s affected her. Take her lead.

Good luck!

Why are you getting so hung up on her background? She sounds like she’s a very resilient and strong person. her childhood isn’t your business and certainly shouldn’t change the way you see her. Just apologise for being a dick before - if you liked her that much the first time around why didn’t you ask her what she wanted or make things more serious? You sound like you’re using her emotional responses as an excuse for treating her crappily.

I’m not getting hung up as such, it just came as a bit of a shock to know what she was dealing with while we were seeing each other. The whole “you don’t know what’s going on behind closed doors thing”. She said she didn’t tell me because she thought it would be off putting and she didn’t think I’d ever commit so didn’t want to ‘spoil it’.

I used to ask her what she wanted and she’d say she didn’t want a relationship. I always suspected she wanted more but like I said earlier she was very stiff upper lip and I could never 100% work her out.

she talks about ‘being a better person now’ in a very matter of fact way and I actually think she believed what she was told as a kid and has learned to overcome those thoughts now.