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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell MIL not to keep phoning DD19 when we go away this weekend or leave it

39 replies

Safarigiraffe · 09/10/2022 17:08

Hi going away with DH on Friday for 2 nights to Paris DD19 is staying behind at home for 2 nights but having a friend round in the evening staying over. Problem is MIL will no doubt be phoning DD19 every min of the day to see how she is which will be too much in a way & DD19 has already said to me I don’t mind her phoning but if it’s all day every min of the day it’s gonna be too much especially if she decides to come round unannounced as I may not be in/May be at friends house. So mumsnetters how do I politely tell MIL yes phone DD to see how she is but not every min of the day constantly. Or AIBU in my thinking and should say no more and leave things as they are

OP posts:
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 09/10/2022 18:00

Omg those hyphens got auto formatted to em-dashes by my phone! Everything between em-dashes should have been crossed out! Trying again:
MIL sounds stifling. I’d make it clear DD will call her if she needs anything and to only visit if explicitly invited EVEN IF she was driving past the cul de sac or just happened to see some food on offer that DD might like, or saw a light was on and thought it should be off, or thought DD might want driving somewhere or otherwise wants to check DD isn’t having sex or a party because she sounds like she will.

zurala · 09/10/2022 18:01

This is so weird. At 19 I was living in my own renting a flat and working full time. Why would your mil phone an adult constantly to check they are ok?
Why phone at all?
If she has to then one call mid weekend would be enough.

SuperCamp · 09/10/2022 18:01

Make it clear that you are 100% happy to be leaving Dd, and you are not asking MIL to check on her. And do not want updates or check ins.

MrsMontyD · 09/10/2022 18:02

My exMIL also struggles to understand that my almost 19 year old is old enough to be left home alone, I keep repeating that she's fine, she knows where Grandma is if she needs her but really doesn't need to go and stay with her.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/10/2022 18:04

MrsMontyD · 09/10/2022 18:02

My exMIL also struggles to understand that my almost 19 year old is old enough to be left home alone, I keep repeating that she's fine, she knows where Grandma is if she needs her but really doesn't need to go and stay with her.

Yes same here I get that MIL cares & just wants to know how DD19 is however DD19 has said she won’t pick up the phone if she gets too much phone calls

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 09/10/2022 18:06

MIL needs to stop being over protective and over invested in her 19 year old grand daughter's life.

Why on earth is she calling her all the time?

What would she do if DD left home or was away at university?

The problem is if DD doesn't answer the phone, is MIL likely to turn up on the doorstep?

She, MIL, sounds very annoying.

I think, in your shoes, I'd be inclined to say something to MIL to the effect that DD will be very busy so it's probably better not to try to get hold of her.

QuitWhileAhead · 09/10/2022 18:13

I'm wouldn't be involved if I were you. Let your DD and your DH work it out.

TwoWrightFeet · 09/10/2022 18:39

Why is MIL checking up on a grown women? Unless there is a massive drip feed I can’t see why her living in the house for 2 nights without you is an issue?

Bluetrews25 · 09/10/2022 19:01

Gosh, MIL, it's so lovely to be able to leave DD home alone with no worries now she's a voting adult! They grow up so fast, don't they? It only feels like 5 minutes ago you'd have been needing to check on her for us, but gosh she'd probably be really insulted if you did that now! Haha, good job you'd never dream of doing that these days!

melj1213 · 09/10/2022 19:06

Does your MIL have form for being overbearing and/or interfering in general? Or does she usually check in with your DD excessively?

If not then I don't know why your DD is so worried about constant calls. If so then I would not make any hints or suggestions I would just be direct with MIL "We are going away this weekend and leaving DD at home so she can have some time to herself. She knows you're available if there's an emergency, but we want her to have some independence while we are away so please don't contact her just to check up on her, let her contact you if she chooses to."

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 09/10/2022 19:19

melj1213 · 09/10/2022 19:06

Does your MIL have form for being overbearing and/or interfering in general? Or does she usually check in with your DD excessively?

If not then I don't know why your DD is so worried about constant calls. If so then I would not make any hints or suggestions I would just be direct with MIL "We are going away this weekend and leaving DD at home so she can have some time to herself. She knows you're available if there's an emergency, but we want her to have some independence while we are away so please don't contact her just to check up on her, let her contact you if she chooses to."

In other words, deal with the overbearing, interfering MIL by being overbearing and interfering Grin

Honestly OP, don't stress, you should be googling restaurants or buying outfits or something fun in the lead up to your holiday!

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 09/10/2022 22:13

Told MIL that DD19 will be busy during the day & with friends evening time and if she needs anything she will let her know but also told DD that if she phones continuously more than twice in a day not to pick up the phone & also if she comes round not to answer the door if not arranged before hand

OP posts:
Calphurnia88 · 10/10/2022 08:31

Presumably 'every minute of every day' is an exaggeration as this would be ridiculous... How often is she actually calling?

saleorbouy · 04/01/2023 23:27

Just get your DD to ring the MIL at a time convenient to her instead and perempt the calls.

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