Mother rolled her eyes at me on the phone (WhatsApp video). Am I being hormonal or is this irritating?

[Babyboynamehmm]

I don’t live in the same country as my parents. I called them today on WhatsApp video, all fine, and then I said something about some upsetting inequality here in this country. They both rolled their eyes at me, my mother told me to stop being so “ridiculous”. I didn’t say a word afterwards, but I’m unsure if I’m being hormonal (early pregnant) or if she was being rude? Or is this a normal way to talk to your daughter? I am never sure what’s “normal”, since she and I don’t naturally get on.

She generally thinks I’m annoyingly woke and tells me so (without using that term). She’s very conservative, lives in a beautiful and wealthy - and homogenous - English village, and gets quite huffy about my way of life. I live in a very diverse city in another country and she would like me to live nearby so she can be near my children. I do understand that. But she makes a lot of passive aggressive remarks, presumably in the hope that I’ll say “you’re right - I’ll buy the house next door to you and move right in!” (As if I could afford it anyway!).

Now I’m less inclined to want to video call with her anytime soon. And it’s made me feel like I don’t really miss her.

Anyway perhaps this is a hormonal rant! I don’t know!

It sounds like you’re on different pages politically/ideologically.

I don’t think you’re UR but would advise that you steer away from anything even slightly political if you want to preserve your relationship with them.

Rolling eyes doesn't offend me but I accept you feel belittled.

I also mostly have a WhatsApp relationship with far away, old parents.

I suppose I'd file it away under topics not to discuss with her. And group it with other issues we should only ever talk about minimally. FWIW, my dad has spouted A LOT of opinions in recent years that I heartily dislike. I work hard to steer the conversation to topics where we are more likely to agree. He has no idea how much I disagreed with him. My dad is now 80, though, he's got a good heart, but we can't agree about everything. Ditto MIL & many people.

My grown up children and I talk to each other frankly. If we disagree, we say so. If someone is being a bit ridiculous, we say so. Sometimes I roll my eyes and sometimes they roll their eyes at me. But we love each other so nobody is very bothered by a bit of disagreement. Actually, I really value their honesty as I assume they say stuff that other people might not want to say.

Which country are you in and what is the issue you cited?

Only by knowing that can we comment on which party was unreasonable...

I made a comment about how upsetting wealth inequality is here and how it doesn’t seem like - politically - anything is being done about it. I didn’t rant, didn’t really say anything controversial or say much, it was a few words prompted by something I’d seen today.

I think I’m just sick of seeing myself through her eyes: someone eye-roll-worthy.

I think its really rude and dismissive to roll your eyes at someone. I'd not bother contacting her again tbh let her message you.

I get this too and I now refrain from certain topics. Otherwise she gets shirty with me and it doesn't take much for her to go NC until I apologise for my opinion 🤣

Why aren’t you annoyed with your father as well?

I have learned to divert the conversation away from certain topics that I know me and my parents have differing views on - it’s not worth the aggro!

Maybe it is upsetting because I am hormonal! But I really hate feeling dismissed like that.

I usually steer clear of talking politics with her. Even if I were to say “I heard cost of living is rising back in the uk,” she’d start making excuses for the Tory party. I suppose she feels like she has to defend her politics, since our political views don’t align, but she doesn’t - I am someone who cannot stand conflict and will avoid it at any cost, so I’m not likely to start rowing with her.

I am - you’re right - I wonder why I have put most of the emotional focus on my mother? Probably because he didn’t say any words after, whereas she called me ridiculous and she has form for telling me my POV is wrong.

Ahh bloody hormones!

Maybe I need to take a video chat break!

I think wealth inequality is an odd topic for a nice FaceTime chat with your mum.

Is it something you talk about often? Was she perhaps anticipating a thinly veiled attack on her politics? It sounds a bit 'here we go again.'

Why are you blaming hormones?

i can’t work out what the issue is but you clearly are upset.

don’t minimise the way you feel. One thing I have learned is hormones may amplify the response but I am usually justified in the way I feel. Years of suppressing emotions and my own needs because I was taught I didn’t really feel that way, it was my “hormones” and I was unreasonable. It just meant I let people treat me like crap.

either stand up for yourself or don’t engage.

We never talk about it. I don’t know why I did today - I had seen a really sad and upsetting scene, which was on my mind. I think I wanted to talk about it to make sense of it. But I wish I hadn’t mentioned anything!

DH was in the room half-listening in the background and I asked him if I said anything wrong, he said no - but he said it was weird that I brought it up with my parents as it isn’t the usual sort of thing we talk about.

If anything, I’m surprised my mother didn’t use it as “you need to move back to the uk” ammunition! Maybe she’ll save that for later!

Anyway I’m happy to accept I was being unreasonable. There are some things my parents and I really can’t talk about (world politics, social issues… anything that isn’t the weather, local gossip, or what my children ate for dinner, tbh!).

I think you’re right. I think my issue is that my parents don’t take me seriously as a grown person with sensible opinions. They think my life choices are wrong and are happy to tell me so. I’m not the person they wanted to raise. I know I’ve conflated all that from an eye roll, but I think that’s what the eye roll brings up for me!

Sounds like you need to stick to convos about the weather, local gossip and what your children ate for dinner then! Don’t start a discussion about something you know you will disagree about if you know where’s it’s going to lead!

Yep you’re totally right!!