Panicking about being alone

[Tonighty]

I have recently left a controlling relationship. We used to do everything together and were together virtually all the time. Now I feel so lost and bereft. I don’t know what to do with myself. I feel sick with heartache. I am on the verge of begging for the relationship back.

At the moment, I’m waiting for biopsy results for both breasts. I have been given an in person appointment for Tuesday. I am so so scared, I feel on the verge of panic.

Last week, I was prescribed antibiotics for a tooth, and over the last three days, they have made me feel so agitated and anxious beyond reason. This morning a
was the last dose. I am worried what to do about the tooth how to manage that situation. I think at least most of the anxiety will go once the last dose is out of my system. I seemed to have felt better about 4 hours or so after taking each one. I just need to be around others and for people to engage with on here to distract me.

I haven’t eaten or slept much over the last three days. Sometimes I have been shaking with distress. I have cried buckets. I don’t have a comfortable person or place to run to or be with, being alone is scaring me and I feel in such a deep dark bitter scary place. I am so frightened. I feel weak and helpless.

Has anyone else felt this way? Any words for me, please?

Get a dog if you can

i don’t say that flippantly

I absolutely wish I had a pet right now. I need to be around other kind comforting living creatures. I haven’t been out of the house since Thursday when I felt a bit unsteady after going for a walk. And I was afraid I would start crying uncontrollably in public.

Start scheduling things to do even if it’s making a cup of tea or listening to your favourite music. Force yourself to live your life. You will feel better it just takes time. Are you receiving any help/therapy?

I’ve been trying to do a bit of that, keeping up cleanliness and hygiene of myself and the home.

No help or therapy at the moment. I will try to make an appointment with GP Monday.

You need to keep busy. Have you got a little job that needs doing ?

Yes I’ve felt this way. Still do sometimes! Look up ‘reparenting’ and ‘inner child work’. You might be missing someone to reassure you and tell you that everything’s going to be okay and to love and care for you. It’s nice to get that from other people, but we need to be that for ourselves too.

At the moment you’ve got the worry, and then an inner voice saying that you’re not sure how to cope with the worry. If you can change that to having the worry, and an inner voice that reassures yourself that it’s okay to feel worried, you’re capable, you can figure this out, that you matter and it’s okay etc then it cuts your suffering in half!

You will be okay and find your feet - you’re in the early days of leaving a controlling relationship and it’s going to take a bit of time to find yourself, maybe a bit longer if you’re finding yourself for the first time, but you will.

There are a couple of jobs around the place that need doing. I feel like I can’t think straight and I’ll get everything wet because I’m crying so much and mess it all up.

At the moment I’m posting from bed. I think about 11am I should start to feel better from the extremist anxiety after the antibiotic, judging by how this panel out yesterday and the day before, then I’ll take a shower and scrub myself thoroughly head to toe with cool water, that helped a bit yesterday. Apparently that tricks your body into believing it’s swimming and it relaxes.

What I would wish is if I could call my former partner and have a reassuring hug, and some companionship. Even if I did that, I don’t know if I would get that comfort anyway. Such a bitter pill to swallow. I am so so sad.

This is absolutely what I needed to hear. You have it absolutely right, that’s exactly what I’m missing.

I found it odd that this morning, I felt so desperate that I found myself wishing I was about 5 years old, with a lovely mummy, who would hold me and speak to me in a gentle voice, and tell me how we were going to handle everything and that everything is going to be alright, and make a lovely homemade treat dinner for us.

Suffice to say I never had this kind of mother. If I were distressed as a child, she either ignored it, or was frustrated by it. She didn’t know how to deal with her own vulnerabilities let alone my own.

I’m ashamed to admit it, today especially, I feel like a child trapped in an adult person’s body.

I need to learn how to regulate my emotions in times of hardship. I didn’t learn how that in childhood, so I’m finding the concepts difficult to use properly. I panic and I can’t think straight and I cry and go and lay down.

Yes, you’re on the right lines. That inner child voice you can hear needs adult you to scoop her up and love her. Keep listening to her and give her what she needs.

It’s super hard when we haven’t had a loving mother in childhood to show us how (I didn’t either), but you absolutely can learn to love yourself as she should have done. Let yourself feel the anger and disappointment and sadness and worry. And teach yourself how to care for yourself properly. Being away from your last relationship gives you the space and freedom you need to give yourself what you truly need, without anyone else’s needs and wants getting in the way. What a gift! It’s scary but good.

In those moments you can’t think straight, it might help to find some grounding exercises that work for you - some people focus on their breath, or do the 5 senses (find 5 things you can see, 4 you can hear etc - I always get it muddled so don’t like that one!) But it’s just finding something that works for you to remind yourself that you’re not stuck in childhood anymore with a parent who isn’t attentive - you’re an adult, it’s okay to feel and you’re able to care for yourself and ask for help when you need it.

Yes you have to learn how to become comfortable with being alone, feeling safe, and being your very own support system. Changing your mindset and old ways and beliefs is a must. There is alot of free information online and read up whatever you can.
These awful feelings your experiancing now will pass, takes time, make yourself your main priority, these feelings are also a message that something important needs to change in your life, its like it is forcing you to make positive changes and hard as it is now, it will be worth it in the long term.

Maybe go out & have a browse in some nice shops/boutiquey ones
that are privately owned; the owners often like to chat
That sometimes makes me feel a bit more human and less intensely focused on myself. I can relate to what you're going through. It'll take time, as others have said. 💐

Whatever you do, please don't go back to or contact your ex partner. Would your GP be able to signpost you to support groups for your anxiety and medical issues? First online then as you start to feel a bit better in person if you feel strong enough? Anyone would need comfort and support after going through what you've been through and continue to go through. Everyone needs good friends. Reparenting and inner child sound like good suggestions. Don't feel ashamed, childhood is a critical time and what you experience then can affect you for the rest of your life. It's not your fault that you weren't given what you needed. Sending you a virtual hug, you're not alone xx

Thank you @B1pbop.

I feel like it’s infinitely harder to do this self reassurance as an adult. I think the difference is that when we are children what our parents say to us is gospel and we absolutely believe and trust in it, so it sticks and works like magic.

If I am the one telling myself everything will be okay, I know that I haven’t been able to sort things out in my mind and come up with ideas what to do next to deal with things, so the words would sound almost hollow, if you see what I mean.

Today I have tried to visualise it’s someone else telling me all will be well, because they are the ones who know what they are doing, that seemed to work slightly better.

I’m not really getting this concept properly am I?
The lack or proper understanding of how to do that is why I’m in this position, at this age.

I’m so sorry you also didn’t have a mother to show you the way. You sound so sorted now, it’s obvious you have put in the graft.

What helped you the most, a therapist, a relationship, self reading/research, some other things? Did it take long for the change to happen and to experience the benefits?

Thank you for the reassurance @ThisShipIsSinking .

That’s exactly how I’m feeling, a change is being forced in me through my circumstances, and the growing pains are acute. There is pain I think because there is resistance in me to go calmly with along with that change. The foundation of experience, or of knowing what to expect isn’t there, at all.
It’s a freeze or flight reaction at the moment.

Sorry to hear OP. I was in a controlling relationship when I was 17 with my DC's father. He did end up leaving me when I was 18, DC was a baby. It was very hard at first.

I'm 14 years down the line and absolutely love being by myself, nobody telling me what to do. I do what I want when I want. Obviously I have DC so I've never been completely alone, I get that it might be different for you. I had somebody relying on me.

Do you have any friends at all? Family?

Great tip, thank you, I know just the ones.

I don’t know what the weather is like near you today but could you go for a little walk? Even 5-10 mins in daylight might be helpful.

GP gave me some self referral contacts for suppor when scheduling my breast clinic appointment. I haven’t reached out to them because I didn’t feel in a fit state to organise all of that or talk to anyone. I may do this Monday when at least the horrible side effects of the antibiotics have subsided.

You were so young, that really seems like a trial by fire for you. You must have had to grow up so fast. I think it must be more difficult raising a child than being alone, especially in the early years. If there isn’t a problem happening, I cope okay with living alone. You’ve done so well to come through that with such strength and pleasure in your own company. I hope also now you’re able to have nice chats and good company from your teenager. I know teens can be difficult, hopefully they inject freshness and high octane energy.

There are friends and family, but we don’t spend overnights in each other’s homes mostly. I would just like to hang out with someone till Tuesday so I don’t feel alone or have too much time to worry and fret until it peaks to a crescendo where I’m crying heaving sobs, then it drops again before the cycle starts anew. This has been happening several times of the day and night for 3 days. This is an exception unique circumstance, I don’t usually behave this way. And I haven’t told family about the waiting for results, I didn’t want to worry anyone. I know my mother would find it very tough, she can be easily overwhelmed.

What antibiotics are you taking? I was on doxycyline for a while and I swear it made me depressed and anxious and all kinds of other emotions. I'm usually very calm and straight as an arrow. A friend experienced similar on doxycycline.

amoxicillin and metronidazole.

I’m feeling all that you’ve described. I’ve rarely in my life felt as awful as this. I was mentally wishing I had some kind of big game animal tranquilliser in the place so I could dart and knock myself out hard and not feel any of this nightmare!

A lot of psychotherapy and journaling has helped me and, you’re right, a lot of inner graft! I started therapy years ago but really started to feel the benefits within a few months. Would always recommend blowing £500 on therapy over a holiday - much better investment in yourself.

You’re right, you can’t jump straight from one way to another way, it’s all about feeling your way to the next best thing and creating what you want in life bit by bit. It takes time to shift your momentum.

Aside from therapy there’s lots of good resources out there, have a search on YouTube/google and see what resonates. Eckhart Tolle, Teal Swan and Abraham Hicks (sounds batty at first, don’t be alarmed!) have been particularly useful for me. Byron Katie might be a good one to look up too.