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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that most with most “coaches” are a bit narcissistic?

20 replies

Bullship · 09/10/2022 08:47

I’ve come across a few different “independent” coaches in my time - life coach, personal trainers, business coach. And have friends who are coaches in baby-related fields (eg sleep training, weaning, hypnobirthing, baby-wearing/carrying etc).

All of them, without exception, give off the air that actually their “service” is more about them, than about the person they’re coaching or the thing they are coaching about, or the results.

It feels that it’s mostly about marketing themselves but not actually delivering, the glory and attention from getting clients to sign up is more important than the clients themselves.

Sports coaching seems to be more genuine. But the rest is like MLM fronted by some twerp who’s turned their hand to something they think will make them rich quick but via no substance.

AIBU? Has anyone been coached for something where they’ve felt the coach genuinely cared about the results?

OP posts:

hellosally · 09/10/2022 10:15

yes, sometimes they've only done a weekend course! also a common thing to start up when people have been through a trauma themselves, eg divorce,job loss,but I wonder if its more about their healing process than the clients' needs. I am sure there are some very good ones, in it for the right reasons, but how you go about finding them..I have no idea

the80sweregreat · 09/10/2022 10:22

Banging your own drum has always been a thing, but it's worse now as life has become much more competitive and people want jobs and money. It's difficult enough working with little children , so sometimes people want jobs that give them more flexibility to work around childcare too. So doing these type of professions have become much more common and you have to self promote

ferretface · 09/10/2022 10:26

The only coach I've ever known directly was also the worst, most bullying manager I've ever worked with. Almost to the extent you'd suspect a personality disorder or something, she was the epitome of kiss up kick down. It might be unfair but I've been deeply suspicious of people promoting their coaching services ever since because I saw what was behind the mask with her and it wasn't pretty!!

Rocketclub · 09/10/2022 10:32

My ex best friend of 20 years as the most chaotic life I know - it is seriously all over the place as are the relationships and friendships in her life. She lurched from one disaster to another. It has taken her 15 years to divorce and she’s still not there and still fighting with him.

it’s her way or nothing.
This is a woman who told me I was too strict with DD when she was born (had children at the same time but friends did 10 years before). I had boundaries and she didn’t. Affairs with married men, exes that refused to speak to her. Asked to ‘leave’ about 6 jobs always with a huge pay out and always they ‘didn’t understand her’ and they were at fault.

She know charges thousands as a ‘dating coach’ and even more as a ‘life coach’ with celebrity clients

o m g

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/10/2022 10:37

One of the most unpleasant people I have encountered in a work context left to become a life coach. It really made me think about the kind of person who feels qualified to meddle in the lives of vulnerable people. I would also include therapists, counsellors and psychotherapists in that - I know some very troubled people (but well meaning) who have gone into that area.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 09/10/2022 10:39

She know charges thousands as a ‘dating coach’ and even more as a ‘life coach’ with celebrity clients

In fairness, she must have a certain chutzpah to her, even if she leaves a trail of wreckage in her wake!

Rubiesue · 09/10/2022 10:48

Oh wow, you are right! Or at least, about the one and only personal trainer I ever had. She was a lovely young woman, but she spent the whole session talking about how she had overcome serious anorexia and her journey, even directed me to her blog and her Instagram. Truth is, she’d clearly replaced her anorexia with extreme amounts of sport ( disordered, for her, I think! She told me all about her meal planning, nutrients, boxing up portions. It was oppressive! She was clearly still unwell)…

NightmareSlashDelightful · 09/10/2022 10:51

I think the issue with coaching is that the barriers to entry are really low. So you don’t need much experience or many qualifications to set yourself up and call yourself a ‘coach’.

Of course there are some good ones out there. But it’s a ‘wheat from the chaff’ situation a lot of the time I think.

SignOnTheWindow · 09/10/2022 11:04

I saw a life coach for a few sessions a few years ago. She was brilliant, and just what I needed. I'm alexithymic to a certain degree, so it really worked for me, when counselling didn't.

Problem is that there are an awful lot of crap coaches out there as it's not a protected title. Any bugger can call themselves a coach.

CongratulationsBeautiful · 09/10/2022 11:05

I have a brilliant professional coach. But there has to be an element of them selling themselves so you want to work with them - demonstrating their expertise and experience so you can see how you would be able to learn from them.

The problem comes when they don't really have any and are still trying to make it as a coach - that's when it comes across as ego - there's nothing to seek but confidence!

Howmanysleepsnow · 09/10/2022 11:12

I have an amazing coach at work. She’s brilliant, really seems to care about me and any issues I bring. She never brings her “self” into sessions, other than explaining her background (business and psychotherapy) before the first session. The sessions really help and definitely bring positive outcomes for me and the organisation.

MaChienEstUnDick · 09/10/2022 11:12

I agree, the barriers to coaching are so low as to be imperceptible. Anyone can call themselves a coach, there's no qualification, it's not a protected term.

I know and have worked with an extraordinary career coach who has invested hugely into her own development and training. She's amazing. But even she gets pulled into this 'coaching for coaches' sales thing where she's churning out social media posts that are meant to attract clients, but really just raise her visibility among other coaches. There's a lot of scams out there.

Butchyrestingface · 09/10/2022 11:25

I know someone who trained as a 'life coach'. She couldn't have coached her way out of a wet paper bag and was incapable of setting safe or realistic goals for herself so the idea of her coaching anybody else ...

Rightly or wrongly, I tend to group life coaching in the same bracket as 'motivational speakers', 'influencers' and MLM.

itsgettingweird · 09/10/2022 11:29

I've found that if their training doesn't work for you or your child it's about you or your child not doing it right.

Of course it couldn't be that not every way of teaching or training suits everyone.

Wanderingowl · 09/10/2022 11:58

I think it can be the same with a lot of counsellors and psychotherapists. Not all of them, obviously. But I know quite a few people who have nightmare personal lives and in turn, jumped into the profession as counsellor/therapist to 'give back.' Which sounds absolutely great and can work well in cases where people really have turned their lives around and want to help people do the same. But with the people I know well, their lives are still utterly disastrous, they aren't coping with basic day to day stuff, and their turn to this new career is an attempt at pretending things are now great when they are floundering.

I do get it. I remember considering doing a psychology degree at a point where I was first contemplating leaving my terrible marriage. I think maybe it comes from a desire to be a saviour instead of a victim, and to turn your suffering into a force for good, instead of just a horrible, damaging period of your life. But I think that for the vast, vast majority of people it's actually deeply unhealthy. Both for you, as it keeps part of you locked into the part of your life that hurt you. And for the people who come to you for help because you aren't what they need and can't provide them with the nuanced help they really need.

LynetteScavo · 09/10/2022 12:00

Well I had the most amazing hypnobirthing coach, but I also have a FB friend who is a life coach, while her own life implodes around her. She charges £200 ph for a telephone consultation. And people seem to actually use her services.

Richteafinger · 09/10/2022 12:03

I completed a coaching diploma last year, and although I'm not big fan of the term, I would be classed as a "life coach."

I think your experience is correct in a number of cases. A huge red flag in any "helping relationship" e.g coaching, therapy is the coach/therapist bringing themselves into it.

Regarding separating the wheat from the chaff, look for coaches who are ICF accredited or have studied a course which is accredited by ICF. They are the largest coaching accreditation body and have certain criteria coaches need to meet, including a certain number of hours of training and hours of experience.

The fee a coach is charging has approximately nothing to do how qualified they are. I charged £25 per hour at the moment. Some coursemates have designed 6 session programmes costing £800

For me there's a big disconnect between truly wanting to help people change their lives and wanting to make big bucks. I don't agree with tying clients in for a set number of sessions for example - they might not need them all.

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 09/10/2022 12:06

I can’t vote as I think some are brilliant while others are utter scammers and the cost of their services, number of testimonials etc are no indicator of which type they are. But I don’t see a way to regulate it properly; if we make it a protected title they’ll find another word for themselves and carry on. A lot of the apparent professional bodies for coaches seem to actually be another layer of scam accrediting anyone who takes their ££££ course (there was an episode of peep show that summed it up).

THisbackwithavengeance · 09/10/2022 12:19

A young relative of mine is a life coach. Which seems to involve lots of social media photos of her looking gorgeous, misty eyed and pensive and posting inspirational quotes and theories of great your life could be too if you only just got off your arse.

The reality is that she's a perfectly nice but chaotic young women who has never held down a "proper" job or relationship for more than a few months and is still supported by her Dad because I can't think there would be anyone stupid enough to hire her services although I could be wrong.

As others have said, it's like a MLM.

FrangipaniBlue · 09/10/2022 14:48

I think there are two types of coaches.

"Lifestyle" coaches who IMO seem to focus on materialistic things such as how you look and what you have (for the insta innit?). Their primary goal is to make YOU look good so that they in turn look good and so get more clients and earn more cash.

I would even put personal trainers into this category, if the focus is on aesthetics.

Usually spotted by mass social media presence, constantly pushing "their brand" and a high volume of clients.

Then there are what I would class as "achievement" coaches whose primary goal is to help you succeed at something.

These are usually things like career or sports specific coaches.

They want to see you do well and generally don't care how you look or what you buy with the proceeds of your success.

They have fewer clients operating on a more exclusive basis. They don't need to shout to about their brand as their clients successes speak for themselves. Any social media coverage is usually posted by the client accrediting the coach.

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