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AIBU?

To feel like I’ve fucked my life up

69 replies

dandelion1038 · 08/10/2022 20:24

I’m 30 and feel like I’ve ruined my adult life. I did well academically and got straight A’s and A*’s, but got into an abusive relationship shortly after finishing school and ended up having two children, I feel like it has been an upward struggle since then.

I love DC so much but I feel really ashamed with how little I have accomplished in life. Once they were both in school I flitted between a few different low paid and low skilled jobs, then finally ended up in higher education and got a 2:1 in my degree.

I graduated June 2021 and I’ve done very little since then to make any sort of career progression, just worked in schools as a teaching assistant or lunchtime assistant so I don’t have to worry about holiday childcare for DC. I also struggle with a lack of confidence when it comes to work and applying for better jobs.

I feel constantly worried about money, what I am doing job wise, and carry around a lot of shame that I had potential to do well in life but I screwed it all up by getting with a really nasty man.

Has anyone got any words of wisdom or has been in a similar situation to me and managed to turn things around? I feel really lost and alone at the moment 😔

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kookieboo · 09/10/2022 09:05

Sorry I didn't mean part-time as a wellbeing practitioner coz you'd have to commit to training but part-time with the health care trust.

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User112 · 09/10/2022 09:37

Hello OP, asking you again in case you missed my previous message. What were your maths grades in school like? Would you be interested in a career in Tech?

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dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 13:52

User112 · 09/10/2022 09:37

Hello OP, asking you again in case you missed my previous message. What were your maths grades in school like? Would you be interested in a career in Tech?

Hi sorry, I got an A in maths, I enjoyed it! Never considered a career in tech previously but I’m open to anything at the moment.

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User112 · 09/10/2022 13:59

dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 13:52

Hi sorry, I got an A in maths, I enjoyed it! Never considered a career in tech previously but I’m open to anything at the moment.

Pls PM me. I can give you some ideas/options.

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namechange3394 · 09/10/2022 14:55

Have you considered the civil service OP? Some parts of it can be extremely flexible in terms of working hours, I have colleagues with term-time only or at least reduced contracts that mean they have less worries about holiday childcare.

Depends where you are in the country of course but there are options in most places.

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BlueRaincoat1 · 09/10/2022 16:03

I know nothing about how to become a speech therapist for children (which you mentioned as a possible interest), just wanted to say that my son saw one for several months recently and she was just fantastic. So professional and good at her job. She was clearly busy and she had teenage children, but her job seemed to fit in well with her life. I thought it seemed like a really cool, rewarding job.

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As476 · 09/10/2022 16:11

@dandelion1038 you haven’t fucked up in the slightest. I’m also late twenties/early thirties and although I have a degree, I’m retraining in a similar but different field. I’m attending college with a load of kids, and working too. I also have 2 small children. I have so many years ahead of me and so do you.

set yourself a goal, find something you’re interested in and go from there. I’m happy for you to pm me if you want to - if I can offer any support or guidance I’m more than happy to!

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Boomboom22 · 09/10/2022 16:23

There are many routes into teaching and it is not true you need to be in at 7am, only slt and not all of them are in at that time!
I trained in FE when my 1st was a baby, then had mat leave, went back to work pregnant then finished yr2 doing the last few bits with the baby and 18month old. Then I used that to get a ft role in a school, psych teacher, where i got in at 8.30 and left at 3.30 most days as my babies were so small. Passed nqt Yr fine. 2 moves later I'm in a fantastic grammar working .8 so can do 2 mornings and 2 pick ups, had a third child too.
You can even get a teaching job pt and train over 2 years on the job, either directly through the school or apply through schools direct. You would have to be ready though as psych is mostly a level, and expected to teach other subjects you know, I do sociology and re but others do biology or history etc.

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dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 17:50

Boomboom22 · 09/10/2022 16:23

There are many routes into teaching and it is not true you need to be in at 7am, only slt and not all of them are in at that time!
I trained in FE when my 1st was a baby, then had mat leave, went back to work pregnant then finished yr2 doing the last few bits with the baby and 18month old. Then I used that to get a ft role in a school, psych teacher, where i got in at 8.30 and left at 3.30 most days as my babies were so small. Passed nqt Yr fine. 2 moves later I'm in a fantastic grammar working .8 so can do 2 mornings and 2 pick ups, had a third child too.
You can even get a teaching job pt and train over 2 years on the job, either directly through the school or apply through schools direct. You would have to be ready though as psych is mostly a level, and expected to teach other subjects you know, I do sociology and re but others do biology or history etc.

Thanks for your reply - did you find it manageable? I was considering applying for PGCE for entry September 2023 but with both DC still in primary at that point I was worried about starting it and finding it too overwhelming / dropping out.

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dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 17:50

Still reading through all the replies - thanks again everyone :-)

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dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 17:53

namechange3394 · 09/10/2022 14:55

Have you considered the civil service OP? Some parts of it can be extremely flexible in terms of working hours, I have colleagues with term-time only or at least reduced contracts that mean they have less worries about holiday childcare.

Depends where you are in the country of course but there are options in most places.

Doing some research recently and the civil service keeps coming up as great for flexibility and when you have a family - I had a look on their website today and the ‘fast stream’ for graduates isn’t open at the moment, I looked at their general job roles but it was a real mix and none of them look entry level. I will definitely look more into it though!

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dandelion1038 · 09/10/2022 18:12

Ideally I want something which is three days a week but it seems like all decent jobs want full time - I assume then once you’re established in that workplace you have more room to cut hours / be more flexible.

It looks like teaching is off the cards for now, as paying for breakfast and after school club 5 days a week would be difficult financially and would feel like quite a stressful lifestyle too 🙁 even if I found a school placement which was a reasonable distance from home, I’d struggle to make it there before the kids arrive because of the time DC breakfast club starts.

I am going to weigh up options over the next week, and hopefully come up with a bit of a plan.

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JoanCandy · 09/10/2022 18:19

bonzaitree · 08/10/2022 20:35

You have a degree and 2 kids AND got out of an abusive relationship.

You're an absolute hero my love! All 3 are a massive achievement! Take care!

Seconded ! You’re amazing and you’re setting a brilliant example to your kids too.
You’re still young with plenty of years ahead to find the career path of your dreams.

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Bookerly · 09/10/2022 18:31

What about accountancy? You can usually train on the job. I changed career in my 40s and didn't feel ready until my kids were a bit older.

Having young kids is exhausting!

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nickyogun · 26/10/2022 01:09

A hero you are. You are already into education, if you do not want to teach please do a Masters Degree by distant learning or part time . Student Finance England should pay and will not take the money back until you earn enough. This is my experience. Furthermore, it professionalised me and put me into a higher category professionally. Furthermore, thereafter I joined a very reputable organisation that also acts as a trade union for its members and gives advise, opportunities for networking, social events etc. There are so many Masters courses in whatever subject. What was it you wanted to do before the relationship? Teaching? That would mean PGCE or do you want to do a Masters in Counselling and Guiding or social work or languages or finance or any special gifts and knowledge that you have. Focus on positives, your children, what it means to you when you watch them play around during the holidays. Believe you me, may be on the face of it, you think your contemporaries have sailed through life but they might have their own stories to tell possibly not as challenging as yours. You are still very, very young and things can be turned around. Think good of yourself. Imagine yourself in that masters graduation gown. Go out from time to time for non-expensive afternoon tea. If there is a church open somewhere please pop-in and say one to Him about yourself. I could not have possibly gone through life and gotten extra qualifications without Him. Truth said. I do not normally do this, but I am doing this because I believe you are a beauty, with beautiful intentions and beautiful will towards yourself and your children.

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Isometimeswonder · 19/10/2023 17:37

Stop being angry and embarrassed by 18 year old you!
You aren't in a dv relationship and you have got a qualification.
Be proud.

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Passthesickbagmabel · 19/10/2023 17:51

You have not failed ! You have done amazingly well. If it's any encouragement, I went to uni for the first time in my 50s. Had 20 years in my career. I retired but am now starting another one. Your experience as a parent will be invaluable in whatever you choose to do .

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MatildaonMain · 19/10/2023 17:54

I think that escaping an abusive relationship, raising two children and obtaining a degree makes you bloody impressive and heroic.

You are still very young. You have so much time to pursue a career and find the thing you love. Right now, it’s ok if you’re focusing on jobs which give you the flexibility to look after your young children. It’s a season of your life where that works for you. When they are older and more independent, you can consider whether further training, courses, career guidance etc would benefit you and pursue career goals.

You are doing brilliantly.

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nutbrownhare15 · 19/10/2023 18:10

Have a look at the prospects website for Psychology and also chat to your former university about careers support they can offer you now.

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