Do I leave??

[Staceybeak]

Found out my partner of 6 years has been going out for drinks with a female coworker for 1 day a week, every week, for 6 months.

would you consider this cheating? He claims she’s just a friend but I don’t believe it.

I found out about it after look king at his ‘hidden chats’ file on his laptop. He didn’t say anything flirty apart from one line saying he wished he went to her PT appointment with a winky face. He even moaned about me and how he had to take days off without me knowing because he knew I would want help with the kids.

we have kids together so it’s not an easy decision to leave or not.

what would you do??

The fact you found them in hidden chats and he didn't tell you is a massive red flag imo.

The secrecy of it is the worrying part; sounds like a potential emotional affair with the potential to lead to more. I’d think very carefully especially if he isn’t willing to really admit that it’s crossed a line even if nothing physical has happened. I’d also think carefully about if you can trust him again

To be honest, this isn’t the first time he has lied about his ‘friendship’ with another female colleague.

I really don’t think I’d be able to ever trust him again but it’s so hard as our children are so young and I don’t want to break up a family.

If there was nothing to worry about he wouldn't have kept it a secret. Sorry OP

He is definitely cheating. Sorry OP. Do not put up with it. What are you going to do?

I really don’t know as I haven’t been by myself in over 6 years and with 2 very young children it’s going to be so hard!

the biggest problem is because I believe he actually cheated, I just do not have any respect for him now at all. I think I know what I should do just too scared.

Going for a drink with a female colleague, I wouldn't give a shit about. The issue is hiding it.

He even moaned about me and how he had to take days off without me knowing because he knew I would want help with the kids.

Does he help an appropriate amount with the children or is he hiding it to avoid being challenged on lazyness?

To be honest, this isn’t the first time he has lied about his ‘friendship’ with another female colleague.

What does this mean? Has he cheated before (in which case he's certainly trying to again)or is he hiding friendships because you get jealous?

Where did you think he was when he was with her? For me it depends on in he actively hid it

I was the one telling him to go out with his work mates for a drink because he doesn’t go out much (that I knew of) he told me he was going out with a guy (obviously not) and I had no problem whatsoever. He even has a mother female work colleague that he actually tells me about and I have never been jealous, in fact I’m very supportive of him and his friends.

so obviously this ‘friend’ was a bit different.

and about the helping out with the kids part - the kids are hard work and he can’t be bothered with that.

And I thought he was at work! He has a very laid back job so he couldn’t go to the pub next door to his work for a few every Wednesday afternoon.

he told me that he would normally go with a man

When I was a lot younger and I knew he was hiding something about that other female colleague I would be very jealous because I knew he was hiding stuff. But for the last few years since having the kids I honestly am the most laid back person when it comes to him doing what he wants as I thought I could trust him again.

I'd leave him because of the deception.

On a practical level, how would you leave him? Do you rent, is it in his name or joint names? Do you work? Would he leave if you asked him to? Apart from the cheating and the lying, do you have a good relationship?

Do you have the means to leave him?

When I found out about it all I ended it with him straight away and told him to get out the house. (We own it) he was understanding and he said he would never let me or the kids be without money or a place to live.

but he kept going on about how he doesn’t want to be apart from the kids and so I felt guilty and let him stay on the sofa, then I thought I would give him a second chance but I just can’t seem to get over it or feel the way I did before.

Absolutely cheating..cheating is defined by secrecy, he kept this hidden from you, a social event with a female friend on a regular basis is absolutely cheating..do not let him play this down, ask him to leave while you get your thoughts around it..no trust between you if he is having secret drinks with another woman

and about the helping out with the kids part - the kids are hard work and he can’t be bothered with that.

I think this is the much bigger problem (and I think he's at least trying to shag this lass).

A partner is supposed to be just that- an equal you can trust who shares the load. Forever is far too long to put up with a cunt.

Once you have left him, figure out why you settled for someone who wasn't an equal partner- if you want to be treated with love and respect then you have to choose people who behave that way, not make excuses for them.

He felt the need to keep it from you as he knew you wouldn't approve, that in my book is cheating and I'd leave in your shoes. You'll be forever questioning what more happened or if it's still going on, I don't think I could come back from that.

This is definitely breach of trust op. You need to find out more about this female if you are suspicious. Leaving him or anything else seems like jumping the gun, I really think you need more information op. His behaviour is clearly suspicious no doubt about that. It hurts when you find out something about your loved one and it makes your mind go to places. So what I would suggest is keep your eyes open for any evidence about any actual cheating. Has he cheated before? The moaning about housework does seem like a normal conversation to me. Having said that, I am a big believer in hunches I think we are able to suss these things so if this female friend makes you uncomfortable then you need to convey it to your husband.

I'd definitely leave him. He made you feel guilty by saying he didn't want to be apart from the kids. Yet took secret days off so he didn't have to help you with them and spend time. That's a contradiction and shows his true colours.

Your joint children are hard work and he doesn't want to help, he just leaves it to you. Apart from anything else, what does that tell you? He doesn't care about you at all.