To ask how you have got over a bad past?
FattyAirways · 08/10/2022 15:28
I've not always got on with my mum. Throughout my childhood she put spending money on cigarettes above being able to buy me nice clothes, go away on holiday. Every dream I've ever had, she said that I would never achieve it and has constantly criticised me. She put making her now husband (who treats me horribly) happy above making sure I'm ok and when I've gone to her with poor mental health and feelings of suicide, I was told to sort myself out. Throughout my childhood I was told I was too big, laughed at because I couldn't run fast, told I couldn't sing if I was singing in the house and just other things, generally about my appearance. She still sometimes comments on clothes in wearing that show my fat belly or that I'm wearing my hair in a style that doesn't suit me. She regularly brings up my life decisions that haven't worked out.
I've ended up heavily resenting my mum and myself and my self confidence is low and has been for all of my life.
I eventually snapped a few years back and told my mum that all she's done (giving her some examples) was unacceptable and since then I still get the odd negative comment about my appearance, but she's trying. I didn't get an apology but i just can't seem to forget what a complete and utter shit she's been. My thoughts over the weekend when I'm not busy just go back to fear of how my mother is going to ruin my life.
I can't seem to move on and I'm filled with hatred when I think of all the things she's done, but how can I get over this?
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
ifIwerenotanandroid · 08/10/2022 15:35
Distance yourself from her & her husband, & fill your life with better people.
You seem self-aware, so you'll probably be able to work through the stuff from the past either on your own or in therapy.
Christmaslover2022 · 08/10/2022 15:42
Sounds similar to mine.
Honestly it's so difficult to distance yourself from your parents, no matter how bad they are. My mum seems to have multiple personalities, I try to keep the peace but distance myself as much as I can. They ruined my childhood and shaped how I am now, things that are so hard to change. Constant dealing with negative feelings and triggers, I don't think it will ever go away tbh. I feel its easier on myself to keep civil rather than an emeny because she is totally thr sort of person to put it over Facebook saying I've done this or that and tell everyone...! I've moved further away so rarely see now which has helped. Can upu see her maybe only with other people where she might be less intense? It's really shit tbh, hope you're OK x
TheRealKatnissEverdeen · 08/10/2022 16:14
Some therapy to help process or maybe some reading materials to help let go of it.
It can be consuming but you can move past it.
I used to listen to lots of positive vids on YouTube with people who have overcome great challenges.
For me, what worked was focusing on what I envisioned for my life and trying to work towards it. Easier said than done but it is possible. I'll always have a challenging relationship but I've tried to separate out my issues and then it's easier when I see behaviour that isn't on. Still gets to me sometimes but not as much now I'm living in a way that makes me happier. All the best OP.
Mombie2016 · 08/10/2022 16:15
I went NC at 21, has years of therapy at my own expense and focused on breaking the cycle for my own children rather than what had happened to me.
ghostyslovesheets · 08/10/2022 16:22
Not quiet the same but I just told myself that I would never change things because the issue was her not me! I was fine and really just focused on being happy in myself - without needing her approval.
My mum was a great mum in many ways - and we still have a close relationship (closer she thinks than it is), but for my own sanity I had to stop caring about her opinion. There is a hell of a lot to admire in her and her achievements, but she is the QUEEN of back handed compliments. Nothing I do or achieve ever seems enough - while my chaotic, endlessly messing up (until recently) sibling was always the favourite
Honestly you are worth so much more than her opinion - stop needing it because, in my case, you'll never 100% get it - there's always a but!
Be kinder to yourself - back off from her and maybe get some counselling to work through it.
PeekabooAtTheZoo · 08/10/2022 16:27
So she hasn’t apologised, keeps being shitty, but makes out she’s “trying”.
No she’s not. She’s pretending to try and it will creep in again she’s seeing how far she can push you before you say something again. Ideally in front of someone else.
I would (and did) go NC. Fuck shit parents they don’t deserve a minute more of your time, effort or love. Get some counselling and work on boundary setting because there is a very good chance you will carry this forward into romantic relationships and accept being treated poorly by partners.
PS I went NC 18 years ago and my mother still haunts my dreams sometimes.
BCBird · 08/10/2022 16:27
My.mom loved me but her life decisions and behaviour have had a negative influence on me. At 52 I still have not cime to terms with this legacy. I am starting counselling as I know I don't want to be affected anymore. It is an investment in me. Invest in you. Take care
JadeSeahorse · 08/10/2022 16:44
I went NC over 30 years ago due to similar reasons as OP but also being treated like Cinderella compared to my 2 much younger half siblings.
I was NC with the whole family during which time almost everyone has died apart from one half sister and my mother's hateful sister.
In all honesty it was the best decision of my life. I have a wonderful marriage and DD, had a great career, have a beautiful home and no financial worries. Nothing like I would have had if I had carried on struggling to be accepted.
I found out purely by accident via the internet that my mother died last year. I just felt this great sense of relief!
Being raised in this manner destroys your self esteem. It is the only thing I dearly wish I could change. I always feel inferior to everyone else. Too late to change now I'm in my 60's and retired though.
Angelofthenortheast · 08/10/2022 17:08
There is literally ONLY ONE solution. You have to have her out of your life.
The most important point of your post is "I didn't get an apology".
Basically, you have probably found that your relationship has improved as long as you pretend not to have hurt or resentment towards how your mum has treated you, which how you describe it has been completely devoid of a normal mother's love - I'm sorry to say that.
Unless she is actually sorry for how she's treated you and explains why she treated you like that then how and why would you forgive her?
She doesn't deserve to be a part of your life and you don't need to feel grateful that she raised you - because it was her choice to have a child, and it was her legal duty.
Also, the fact that you got YOURSELF through being suicidal is an amazing achievement so be really proud of yourself OP!
AND if your mum comes back to you one day asking for help because she's divorced/widowed/suicidal...you know what to tell her!
AndSoFinally · 09/10/2022 13:51
The things that make us happy or sad, are very rarely about the things themselves, but about the stories we tell ourselves around them.
Two men walking along the street when a lorry loses control and slides towards them, stopping inches from crushing them. The first thinks "God, life is so fragile, I nearly died, everything I love could be taken from me in a single second and I'd be left with nothing". The second thinks "god, I must be the luckiest man alive, think I'll go and buy a lottery ticket, what a story to tell down the pub later!". Exact same experience, but one is going to be far 'happier' as a result than the other.
It's very trite, but it's all about viewing things through a positive filter rather than a negative one. You can't change what happens to you, and shit things will always happen, but you can change how you chose to see them, what you chose to take away from the experience, and what you chose to let go of.
It takes practice if you're not naturally that way inclined, and it requires a good imagination in order to make your stories believable, but it is possible to change your mindset.
Therapy helps, a lot.
TheVanguardSix · 09/10/2022 13:56
and shitloads of podcasts while cooking/walking the dog.
Watch/listen/read Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Maté.
You have to donate a small amount to watch this film but it is absolutely worth it. He’s a great man doing great work.
nokidshere · 09/10/2022 14:45
I can't tell you how to do it but I can tell you how I did it and maybe it will help.
I'd lived in care since I was 10 due to a violent and neglected home life. The childrens home wasn't much better in terms of emotional security and terrible things happened there also. Just after my 17th birthday I was sent on my way with £20, a train ticket to London and a suitcase.
On the train journey I vowed to myself that the person who got off the train was not going to be the one who got on it. All the people who had fucked up my life were never going to feature in it again. I was going to live the life I wanted in the way that I wanted and not be defined by the things that had happened to me. And that's what I did.
As adults we have to start taking responsibility for ourselves. As adults we can make choices. Only you have the power to change things. As hard as it is, it can be done. People, friends, family, therapists can give you tools, listen, talk whenever you need it but, in the end it comes down to you. You can make the choice to be the person you want to be, to banish those thoughts from your head, to remove toxic people from your life, to stop punishing yourself for other peoples failings. Your mother can only ruin your life if you let her.
Start small if you need to. Go to bed tonight and tell yourself tomorrow you aren't going to think about your mother for an hour, or a morning, or the whole day. Find something that makes you happy to do to distract any thoughts that might creep in. Congratulate yourself on whatever achievement you make (however small) then go to bed and do it for longer the next day. Distance yourself from your mother if you can for longer periods or just cut her off completely.
Talking and therapy can and does help some people but, in my opinion (and I'm not qualified this is just my opinion) it just keeps the issues foremost in your mind.
I'm not for a minute saying that you are at fault or that banishing years of put downs and emotional trauma will be easy or quick but you owe it to yourself to try. You deserve to love yourself and have a happy life.
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