Kicking myself for not objecting more strongly to these comments about gay and bisexual women

[EmilyBrontesaurus]

I am in a fairly new job which is a really important opportunity for me. I am also bisexual, but I keep this to myself at work.

The other day, my line manager made some comments about gay and bisexual women in a "aren't I an outrageous jokester?" way. I truly don't think it was maliciously meant, but the comments were not acceptable. I'm not a cancel culture vulture or anything like it and my jokes aren't always PG, but I did find her comments a bit archaic and homophobic. I sort of laughed in a "you're ridiculous" way and I very gently tried to correct her. When i did she seemed to agree with me really.

I think I was too diplomatic and should have been more serious and reprimanded her. BUT, she is my line manager and well established in her role. I'm not a snowflake etc and I know bosses can come out with this sort of thing, but I just wish I'd been a bit braver.

Yanbu = you should have been more forceful
Yabu = you were right to try not to rock the boat

Can you speak to her about it Homophobic comments just like racist comments are not acceptable ,I understand it must be difficult to pull your line manager up ,but they are in the wrong, maybe Speak to HR?

I did speak to her at the time, but in a very gentle way. Like saying how I knew lesbians who had met plenty of men but weren't interested and were very happy with women, or that, "you don't have to be strictly one or the other you know". (Her comments were along the lines that lesbians, especially young lesbians, just not having met enough men yet and that women who have reationships with women and then have relationships with men prove that theory).

I don't think complaining to HR is right, but maybe suggesting more training for the company in general would be an idea

it would very much depend on what she said and what the context was, and how she said it.

I always find in these situations where you might feel uncomfortable saying something at the time, that a dead silence is just as effective if not more so.

I am a lesbian btw.

Is she particularly young herself or a new manager ?
Not that it makes it anymore acceptable, but she doesn't sound very professional.

If she's that ignorant, training won't help. The only way really to tackle such opinions imo is to call them out when you hear them. I appreciate it takes guts to do so sometimes, but it is like letting a toddler snatch a toy then reading them a story about sharing at bedtime. I suspect she wouldn't have a clue now that she'd said anything wrong or offensive.

I wish I'd done this instead of stupidly laughing and doing a tapdance to prove her wrong without offending her.

Her comments were that lesbians, especially young lesbians just hadn't met though men yet. She went on to say that women who date both men and women proves that theory.

She is not young or new to the business. She's been there decades I think

Sorry OP, I obviously didn’t read your response to the above post. No, that would annoy the shit out of me. I don’t think I’d raise it again afterwards though, but if she ever came out with anything similar again I’d have words, in front of everybody.

She said it in a way where she seemed as if she didn't mean it, but was just saying it to be 'funny', so I've had a really delayed, annoyed reaction to it.

Next time, if there is one, I'm doing a death stare.

I'm bisexual and I think you did the right thing. You corrected her in lighthearted way and she agreed which is great. No need to escalate it further unless she continues to make comments like that.

Thanks @oxfordjrr. I think it's probably as you say and she did agree with what I said. I think she was just trying to get a laugh out of us and didn't mean it. I'll just be ready with a glare if it happens again.

I agree with PP, don’t mention it again unless she does. if she does mention it again however, it points to something deeper. Nobody continually makes jokes about a thing unless they are trying to cover up their discomfort/prejudice. If she does do it again then I would tell her it’s not funny, it’s massively homophobic, and I don’t want to hear it again. If she protests I’d report her.

hopefully she’s not a twat and she won’t do it again. Sadly one doesn’t tend to casually throw out such statements unless they believe it.

Sometimes the point of a joke is to say something stupid that obviously isn't remotely true. Handling it in a lighthearted way is often more likely to coax people away from genuinely bigoted opinions.

Alot of people are threatened by it or don't understand it. Pity them that's all. They would soon change their mind if it was them or their daughter.
Move on, ppl are always going to comment on things they nothing about.

apart from anything else it's a stupid thing to say because you could just argue the opposite - that straight women are only straight because they haven't met enough lesbians yet - and the number of women who have kids with men while young then come out as gay when they are older proves it!

I agree with maybe letting this one go but I would have to say something next time. If you otherwise have a jokey relationship and you don't want to put the onus on yourself being personally offended you could say something like "Aren't you worried about HR overhearing you saying that? A lot of people might think that sounds really homophobic."

Please don’t undermine your opinions by using terms like snowflake.
You’re right. Own it.

I can see why that made you uncomfortable.

I know it depends on team and company culture, but in my business I try to create a work environment where conversations about sex, sexuality, over sharing etc don't generally happen.

How did the conversation come up?

We do have a

I wonder if she was trying to dig into your sexuality and thought making a joke was the way to get you to say "I don't know, my boyfriends a dick" or "I've definitely met enough men to know I prefer women" or whatever.

Obviously she's massively in the wrong. I think you handled it well.

Posted too soon!

We have a fairly casual relationship and go out for drinks together etc. This was just one of those chats during downtime. She is a more senior staff member and is a grandmother etc, so I think she does like to be a bit risqué with her humour for shock factor. I'm going to leave it and just be ready in case it happens again.

I wouldn't and don't share my own sexuality at work as i do think it's an overshare, but I think she has a different attitude and sense of humour. Tbf she has never said what her own sexuality is either, but I'm guessing straight

It's possible she was.

I feel for you! I've been made to feel very uncomfortable by my boss who made extremely homophobic comments (in a way that made it clear she thought they were funny). I was so uncomfortable, and due to the fact she owned the company, I just didn't know what to say at the time and didn't say anything. I would agree with leaving it for now, if she says anything again, would you feel comfortable to say 'i don't find homophobic comments funny, would you mind not saying that around me?'

Let it go. You know what she said isn't true. If she said lesbians have three nostrils you let it roll off you so just do the same for this opinion that she holds.