No control over anything?!

[Mumandwhatelse]

New here.
I’m a mother of 4 and a wife.

I feel like I am here for everyone else but myself.
I haven’t worked since having my first child 16 years ago.
I feel it’s time I do something for me, but apparently that’s selfish and I should count myself very fortunate that I don’t have to work or earn. I am grateful, but I feel like I’ve lost who I used to be.

one issue here is I have to ask for money when I need it, I literally have nothing. I worry for my future, especially having no qualifications.
I want to be able to say yes to my children without having to asking my husband.

I guess it’s hard to write down everything, to put everything in to words, but I feel I’m here to just serve everyone else with no thought that I want more from life.

Am I being unreasonable?

You need to go out and find work. Volunteer work to start with maybe then build from there. Don’t wait for permission.

You're meant to be a partnership. If the agreement was for you to be a SAHM then his eaenings should be family money and you shouldn't have to ask to spend it on normal day to day things, including the odd thing for yourself. You either need to address/agree this with him (I'm guessing he won't agree) or get a job (and consider leaving).

Do you know where all the money and investments are, including pensions? If not, start looking.

Then file for divorce. You'll be awarded at least 50% of marital assets, most likely more.

Sounds too radical? But you sound so downtrodden and unfulfilled....... are you sure you wouldn't be happier and more content without your selfish and controlling husband?

We sold our home, got quite a significant amount, it’s gone.
It was meant to be invested, put away for the children, but it’s spent.
He has nothing either, apart from huge debts, I also have huge debts.
Life is such a mess and I hate that I’ve let it get this far, now I have no way of progressing in anything, I feel stuck.
I also don’t want to see my children suffer.
Like a no win situation for me.
This isn’t a pity party by the way, I’m just stating the facts.

You’re going to have to find a way to leave. You’re being financially abused - and I’d guess that’s not all.

Ring Women’s Aid, love.

You need to sit down together. Your finances sound a mess. Have you been to see a financial advisor? Its sounds like you need to go back to work, not just for your mental health but to get your finances back on track and put you in a better position should something happen.

A financial advisor won't be able to help as they have no assets.

OP - read up about debt management at Moneysavingexpert, then go to the CAB.

But also talk to Women's Aid on how to extricate yourself from this marriage. The best way to ensure your children don't suffer is to leave the man who is responsible for creating this entire mess.

Do you have any qualifications and/or work experience - something to build on when you look for work?

If your both in debt you going to work seems like a very sensible solution to help you both get out of this situation? I think you need to sit down with your partner and explain you need a long term plan to become more financially stable and what you would both like that to look like and how you can work together to make it happen?

Where has the money gone? Gambling? The sale of a house with nothing to show for it is a big deal.

Get your own bank account that he doesn't know about and start putting money in. Sale stuff on eBay and look at the £10 per day threads on earning online from surveys and transcription. Build a fund for when you leave.

He sounds delusional if I thinks you should be grateful you don't need to work when you are both in so much debt. Are you in rented accommodation now then? What did the process of your house get spent on? Are you sure it's all gone?

No qualifications, not much work experience.
Not having worked for 16 years doesn’t look appealing to any employer I guess.
Some days are unbearable, I feel like I grieve for what was, but I’m told “well it’s gone” .
I feel like I’m lying to my children too.
My main worry is my children, being upset at us divorcing, I won’t be able to provide a life they’re used to, I’m ashamed that it’s come to this, as I saw it coming.

The amount of debt is ridiculous.
I was hounded for over two years by debt collection, he said to just ignore it. The longer it went on the worse I felt, I felt like ending my life.
We ended up moving from the UK to Australia, to escape it, run away from it if you like, so yes we’re renting.
Had to buy a car outright.
The lifestyle here he loves, says it’s what everyone dreams of and I should love it too.
We have moved to a house that is old and falling to bits but we can make it nice apparently.
We moved just before my 16 year old did his GCSES, so now he’s behind.
Our life couldn’t be messier, and it’s my fault for listening and going along with it.

I’m unable to get a normal bank account with how bad my credit history is.
Can I ask what the surveys are ?

Bank accounts, have you looked at online banks? Have you been into a local branch to see what's available?
What type of visa did you go out on? Are there restrictions to what work you can do?
I'm assuming you've not been in Australia for long, and I've no idea how the benefit system works over there, but you could post on the living over seas board on Mumsnet and you'll probably get some helpful advice. I assume Oz has something similar to our citizens advice, so go and talk to them, they should be able to point you in the right direction.

Mol1628 · 08/10/2022 05:07
You need to go out and find work. Volunteer work to start with maybe then build from there. Don’t wait for permission.

I agree with that. Though you do not have experience or qualifications, there are firms that will train you in a job. Even a part time job will bring in some cash and keep the debt collectors away, plus you will feel better in yourself. A job doesn't have to be very 'posh', as long as you are comfortable doing it, it will be fine and it's a start. Voluntary work is also useful in getting you back out there, charity shops need helpers and it is good experience. Perks are that you can buy discounted things too.

I am very sorry things have got so bad for you, especially that you lost your house which must have been a terrible blow. You have my sympathy, when I was early forties we nearly lost our house and had loads of debt. Thankfully we managed to get out of it but it was harrowing at the time.

Are you still in Australia?

Forgetting about your husband for a minute, do you want to stay there or would you prefer/be better off returning to the UK? However, if you have no money, could it be that you're stuck there?

I have no idea what the rules are in Australia, but in the UK, if you have no assets and 'huge debts' then you'll almost always be better off declaring bankruptcy or applying for a debt relief order. If you're still in Australia and can't afford to or don't want to come back, you need to find out what the local equivalent of Moneysaving Expert, Women's Aid and Citizens Advice is and ask for advice on sorting out your finances and possibly leaving what sounds like a controlling husband. He doesn't want you to work and has isolated you from friends and family by taking you to the other side of the world.

She seems to still be in Aus and now pregnant with baby number 5

Such a shit show