Two years ago I met my lovely fiancé. He’s Nigerian and in the UK as a skilled worker. He completes research in his field for a university. I met him at work.
I didn’t publicise my relationship until we got engaged.
His Parents are unwell and can’t travel so we decided to get married abroad.
I always knew that there would be people who would judge my husband on stereotypes alone but no one ever voiced concern to me. I did get the occasional person inform me that they knew a Nigerian once and he was abusive, stole, kidnapped his wife, had multiple wives, cheated (insert additional racist stereotype here). But no one ever suggested my husband was like that even if they thought it a possibility.
Everyone that has met him really likes him which is positive and he’s been nothing but lovely to me. My parents haven’t met him due to location and him returning to Nigeria while he waits for his indefinite leave to remain but they can see how happy he has made me and are very supportive of the relationship.
I’m getting married in December and my Mother’s family have been lovely but my Father’s family have said some pretty awful things (to my Dad not my face).
My Aunty said she thinks he could end up being controlling. My Uncle said if he was my Dad he wouldn’t let me go to Nigeria as he knew many women who married a Nigerian man and got kidnapped by their husbands and never returned as their husbands took their passports. He said the whole thing is very worrying and he could well be an abusive man. My Aunty also said she worries he is an abusive man. Initially All his siblings expressed that they believed he was just marrying me to be in the country but I’m lucky as he became eligible for his indefinite leave to remain before marrying me so I’m free from this stereotype at least. They know nothing about him or our relationship these views are based only on his nationality.
Now don’t get me wrong I know there are Nigeria’s who are all the above things. But I believe there’s good and bad in all countries and to publicly voice that you think someone will possess such awful, negative personality traits when you’ve never met them and know nothing about them is really off to me and something I have never done even before meeting my fiancé.
You’re judging someone entirely on the country they’re from and stereotypes of that country.
A friend has voiced concern that Nigeria is a dangerous country in some ways and that’s different as she’s just stating facts about the country itself and both my fiancé and I have taken many safety precautions. I did visit before for two weeks to visit his family and he didn’t kidnap me then although I’ve not mentioned this trip to my dads family as I don’t need to justify myself.
My Fiancé is the sweetest, kindest man you could meet and it breaks my heart that he’s presumed to be evil by people who have never even met him. He worked really hard developing policies against domestic violence and physical punishment of children in Nigeria and even delivers training on the harms of it but it makes no difference to people’s view. He’s judged this way not due to ‘red flags’ or anything he’s done. Solely on his nationality.
For a while now I’ve just coped with these comments from my Dads family and I know a lot of people probably do share them. I just stay positive knowing that with time when I’ve not been beaten up, kidnapped or cheated on they might one day realise they were wrong. However I’ve now started to realise that having my uncles and aunties in my life is having a negative impact on my mental health and while I’m totally opposed to cutting people out of your life in general, I just honestly don’t think I have the strength to have them in it right now. It’s heartbreaking to know my fiancé is judged this way and I also want to protect him from such people.
Sadly he is more disheartened than shocked.
AIBU to cut them off?