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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old

25 replies

Zk45 · 07/10/2022 20:52

Hi
My 3 year old grandaughters dad wants split custody with my daughter. They split up nearly 2 years ago, when they was together, he never took any interest in my grandaughter. Usually preferring to spend his nights out with his friends. They split up because of his violent behaviour. Over the last year they agreed for him to have her at weekends, unless he has plans and sometimes might not see her for 2 weeks, but he has never asked to see her during the week, to compensate. This agreement has worked fine. My husband and I both work full time, so we have looked after my grandaughter since she was born on a Friday night until Saturday morning, when she would now normally go to her dad's. My daughter has moved on and had another baby. Would the courts really agree to split custody? After all this time? My daughter never denies him access, we have swapped days around to accommodate him when needed. He often turns up late for pick ups, leaving her upset. I mention the court as mediation wouldn't work, he often gets abusive if he doesn't get his own way. Thank you

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 07/10/2022 21:02

It’s not custody anymore. It’s parental responsibility. And yes, the courts would generally grant a child arrangement order in most circumstances. Going to court would be a last resort. If the father isn’t named on the birth certificate then if the mother decides to be difficult, he would have to go to court. If she was seen to be preventing him having fair access to the child, courts would not look favourably on her.

DenholmElliot1 · 07/10/2022 21:08

I also think they would grant it because there isn't a reason not to if that makes sense.

Unless his history of violence is documented. Is it?

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 21:11

Is the history of the domestic abuse documented with police? If so I'd like to think that would be taken into account.

Tandora · 07/10/2022 21:15

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2022 21:02

It’s not custody anymore. It’s parental responsibility. And yes, the courts would generally grant a child arrangement order in most circumstances. Going to court would be a last resort. If the father isn’t named on the birth certificate then if the mother decides to be difficult, he would have to go to court. If she was seen to be preventing him having fair access to the child, courts would not look favourably on her.

They have an arrangement and in what sense is she ‘being difficult’ or preventing fair access? Not sure how helpful your comment is…

Tandora · 07/10/2022 21:17

I’m presuming by “split custody” you mean 50/50 OP?

Original poster
Zk45 · 07/10/2022 21:21

My daughter hasn't blocked access, if dad hasn't seen her at the weekend, it was his own choosing, because he'd made other plans. Yes the violence is documented, social services were involved at the time. When I say split residency, he wants to have my grandaughter for a full week every 2 weeks.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 07/10/2022 21:25

Courts would likely put access in place that builds up over time until it is eventually 50/50 yes. Is there a reason he is wanting to go from very little contact to 50/50?

Tandora · 07/10/2022 21:27

Zk45 · 07/10/2022 21:21

My daughter hasn't blocked access, if dad hasn't seen her at the weekend, it was his own choosing, because he'd made other plans. Yes the violence is documented, social services were involved at the time. When I say split residency, he wants to have my grandaughter for a full week every 2 weeks.

Hi OP, I can’t pretend to have inside knowledge/ personal experience on this, but what I do know is that the courts are supposed to do what is in the best interests of the child- that’s what the law says. Nothing else matters. That seems to be so lost these days, but that should be the only relevant factor. I hope others with more personal experience can be helpful. I hope your Dd gets some good legal advice xx

Tandora · 07/10/2022 21:28

Stressfordays · 07/10/2022 21:25

Courts would likely put access in place that builds up over time until it is eventually 50/50 yes. Is there a reason he is wanting to go from very little contact to 50/50?

Why out of interest ?

Original poster
Zk45 · 07/10/2022 21:30

I'm not too sure why he wants this all of a sudden. He hasn't paid child maintenance for 4 months now, my daughter mentioned it and this was his answer. Also, his mum has 50/50 for her little boys. Surely it's unreasonable for siblings to be apart for that length of time at such a young age.

OP posts:
AllThatHoopla · 07/10/2022 21:32

Surely it's unreasonable for siblings to be apart for that length of time at such a young age.

But not for dc to be apart from their own father?

Wibbly1008 · 07/10/2022 21:33

Seriously it is highly unlikely.

Wibbly1008 · 07/10/2022 21:34

….With social services records…even less chance …

Wibbly1008 · 07/10/2022 21:37

Soontobe60 · 07/10/2022 21:02

It’s not custody anymore. It’s parental responsibility. And yes, the courts would generally grant a child arrangement order in most circumstances. Going to court would be a last resort. If the father isn’t named on the birth certificate then if the mother decides to be difficult, he would have to go to court. If she was seen to be preventing him having fair access to the child, courts would not look favourably on her.

It’s not parental responsibility , it’s a child arrangements order that would be granted. Parental responsibility is automatic rights, a child arrangement order is granted by the court. He can take this to court but after what you have said, no, it’s very unlikely he would ever get 50/50.

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 21:42

Do you mean he can wants her every third week? That's a strange request and I can't imagine it'd be deemed in the child's best interests.

Summerfun54321 · 07/10/2022 21:44

I wouldn’t want my toddler DD having any unsupervised time with a man who has a history of domestic violence, even if he is her biological dad.

Bagpuss2022 · 07/10/2022 21:53

With previous SS involvement and his flaky nature and the fact he won’t do mediation CAFCAS would highly unlikely recommend 50/50 at this stage especially week on week off but they likely to put in more contact than he currently has and look at building it up.
wether he sticks to any arrangements that are court ordered will be a big factor

AuntSalli · 07/10/2022 21:56

Try not to stress too much about these things chances are he won’t to get 50-50 in the beginning and then he won’t even stick to what he is offered so he’ll self select himself out of the process, you just literally need to just document everything when he doesn’t turn up etc.

decayingmatter · 07/10/2022 21:59

Zk45 · 07/10/2022 21:30

I'm not too sure why he wants this all of a sudden. He hasn't paid child maintenance for 4 months now, my daughter mentioned it and this was his answer. Also, his mum has 50/50 for her little boys. Surely it's unreasonable for siblings to be apart for that length of time at such a young age.

Don't worry. I would bet my house that he won't take your daughter to court for shared care. He can't even be bothered with 2 days a week, and he doesn't even make a nominal financial contribution to his daughter's care. And I doubt that even if he did make a court application, that he would be awarded 50/50 given that he hasn't even attempted to ask for it informally.

Original poster
Zk45 · 07/10/2022 22:00

Thank you aĺ for the advice xx

OP posts:
FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 07/10/2022 22:05

Is just saying that to stop your DD pursuing maintenance?

KitchiHuritAngeni · 07/10/2022 22:06

It would be tricky if he did go to court since she let's him have access whenever he likes. She can't then say that due to DV he can't have 50/50.

In all honesty the talk of 50/50 for a parent who can't be fucked having minimal time with the dc is often used as a threat, usually to stop RP applying for maintenence, or for control.

All she can do is make sure she has all the evidence, keep all messages, keep note of all the times he is due to have dc and changes or doesn't come at all, any police reports, SS records as well, and hope he's just being a knob. Even if he backtracks I would still be keeping a record of everything for the future.

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 07/10/2022 22:10

He doesn't sound the type to bother, sounds more like he's trying to get out of paying maintanance

Coffeesnob11 · 07/10/2022 22:18

Mediation is not advised in the case of dv. Does she keep a diary of when he doesn't turn up or turns up late etc? He can ask all he wants but she doesn't have to allow it unless it's court ordered. Maybe she can offer every other weekend to start with to stop him having so mich control and if he proves he can do that she will look at increasing it.

Original poster
Zk45 · 14/10/2022 19:47

So the reason he wanted 50/50 is because his mum is about to throw out and he wanted the council to house him, I don't think we need to worry about him trying to do it through the courts.

OP posts:
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