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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband getting deployed

18 replies

OinkOinkOinkOink · 07/10/2022 19:24

Hi everyone,
I posted the same thread last week on the forces forum but didn’t get many responses so thought I’d try here (Ik it’s not AIBU). I really just need some support.

My dh is being deployed very soon for 8 months. We have a little girl who’s 2 and I’m expecting another baby in the new year. My husband has been home for about 9 months so we’ve had lots of family time together.
Obviously due to previous deployments I’ve had to look after our daughter on my own before and I’ve dealt with my husband being away for long periods of time.
But this time it just seems so different. He won’t be home for Christmas or my daughters birthday - so worried how she’ll deal with this and the long term effect it may have. He will also probably miss the birth of our new baby and I just feel so alone. I’m not feeling great in this pregnancy so far so the idea of dealing with it all on my own feels impossible.
My mum and dad live about 2 hours away and I have no other family near by. My husbands family go and live in Portugal while he’s away as that’s where their other kids live and they like the support which I understand.
Sorry for long post but just really need some support. Please be kind. Thanks xx

OP posts:
HardStareBear · 07/10/2022 19:36

Do you live in married quarters or do you live away from your husband's work? There may well be support that you can access from your husband's unit/base. It can be tough to have your other half away for a long period of time, especially when extended family are far away and can't easily give you support. Making friends in a similar position can be invaluable - if nothing else, they understand the position that you're in.

GoodVibesHere · 07/10/2022 19:37

Well it's not a career I would choose. It's a choice they make. They can retire incredibly young, which is a plus point.

GoodVibesHere · 07/10/2022 19:39

Sorry, you were looking for support and my post wasn't supportive. Maybe they have some provision for spouses, wellbeing help etc that you could acess.

MrsTimRiggins · 07/10/2022 19:40

Oh you poor thing, that does sound so tough. Are you in married quarters? Do you feel you have support there from other wags, or would it be worth seriously considering moving closer to your family?

justusandmoo · 07/10/2022 19:44

This sounds so hard. My partner works away sometimes. This time he's been away for 2 months so far. It's not often that he's away for so long these days but when he is it's hard. I find that I have to live my own life. I don't sit and count the days or wish he was at home. We speak a lot but I very much get on with life and the calls fit in around that.

He is ex forces so I totally understand x

He will get leave when the baby arrives won't he? Understand that he may not get there in time for the birth though.

Hoppinggreen · 07/10/2022 19:47

That is tough, do you have friends or are there any other forces wives around?
Unfortunately it is part of being married to a man in the forces but that doesn’t mean I have nothing but sympathy for you

GetOffTheRoof · 07/10/2022 19:49

Army, Navy or RAF? They all have different support structures. Do you live on a married patch or in private?

Will the deployment allow for him to come home when you're due? Obv not if he's on the subs or in an operational role etc, but in many non-critical roles it can definitely be done on the basis of welfare. Perhaps he could ask about that before he deploys? Lots of talk about you being alone, who'll have your DD when you're in labour, post-natal care etc.

www.royalnavy.mod.uk/community-and-support/deployment This is the RN page, I know similar is there for the other forces as well.

GiltEdges · 07/10/2022 19:50

If your DD is only 2, could you go and stay with your parents while he’s away?

Georgeskitchen · 07/10/2022 20:16

The forces welfare usually have stuff going on for the families if their spouses are on a long deployment. Well they did when.my son was serving, they laid on a lot of stuff when they were deploying to Afghanistan x

OnanotherPier · 07/10/2022 20:42

Do you have a HIVE ? Go and see them. WIll he get two weeks off R and R for the birth (some deployments do).

There's usually a lot of support for military wives with young children, particularly if there is a newborn - start asking now.

I don't really understand the deal about Christmas - this is always something that is on the cards with a military spouse. It's really not a big deal, but a newborn baby is, and you should focus on that aspect.

Is your 2 year old in subsided care on base or nearby?

Green7712 · 07/10/2022 21:06

Hi there

I’m a forces wife so empathise. When my eldest was born DH was deployed and I went and stayed with my parents until he came back. If that is a possibility for you I would really consider it.

If not, see if you can get friends / family to come and stay with you to break it up. They’d have to know they were coming to help!

not sure of your accommodation but lots of good advice around finding support.

it’s so hard being separated and especially when the children are little, and the deployed one isn’t there for big events. Take care of yourself.

Cw112 · 07/10/2022 21:09

I'd be thinking to go stay with your parents while he's away? Would that be an option? Would give you some support or could one of them come stay with you a night or two a week to give you a rest? When are you due?

Worthyornot · 07/10/2022 21:12

Gosh poor you op, I really feel for you. 🌷 Can you stay with your dps for a while?

albapunk · 07/10/2022 21:22

My partner is ex-Navy, a submariner, we decided not to have kids until he left due to the issues that arise with deployments, it's bloody difficult and you should be proud of hanging in there so far. Each force should have a welfare department that can assist, has he spoke to those he needs to about whether being home for the birth is a potential option?

Sending you hugs, don't be afraid to tell your family and friends if you are struggling.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 07/10/2022 21:32

He won’t be home for Christmas or my daughters birthday - so worried how she’ll deal with this and the long term effect it may have

My military df managed to miss every birthday between my birth and my 21st, plus a few Christmases and two graduations. I adored him and it never affected our relationship (although as a bratty teen I might have mentioned once or twice).

She will get her cues from you so if you're chilled about Christmas just being you two, she will too.

Glendaruel · 07/10/2022 21:49

It's hard. My mum had three of us under 5 to care for with dad deployed. On upside we have all grown up and had a great relationship with our Dad. Kids are very resilient.

UserNameNameNameUser · 07/10/2022 21:57

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 07/10/2022 21:32

He won’t be home for Christmas or my daughters birthday - so worried how she’ll deal with this and the long term effect it may have

My military df managed to miss every birthday between my birth and my 21st, plus a few Christmases and two graduations. I adored him and it never affected our relationship (although as a bratty teen I might have mentioned once or twice).

She will get her cues from you so if you're chilled about Christmas just being you two, she will too.

Same here (although to a younger age). Honestly it won’t affect your daughter.

Could you stay with your parents, or decamp to Portugal with his parents?

AuntSalli · 07/10/2022 22:03

I would move to where your parents are

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