To say that a crush can’t always be hampered.

[CrushingAndClueless]

I’m in such a difficult situation.

I’m very happily married to an amazing man but I have the biggest crush on someone that I just can’t avoid.

She (I’m bisexual) is one of my ‘mum friends’ (hate that term) and we are frequently together in some way or another.

Our eldest children are the best of friends (aged 8) so her child is always at my house and vice versa so we see each a lot in that capacity.

We are also part of a group of friends (there are 6 of us) who all go out regularly together for drinks, to eat out, to watch films etc so she’s a big part of my social circle too.

We have been friends for about two years and the crush that started off pretty harmless about 6 months ago (I don’t know why I suddenly started feeling attracted to her) is now getting stronger and I don’t know what to do.

When my phone rings or I get a text message I’m hoping it’s her and I think about her all the time. I feel like I’m betraying my husband.

I don’t know whether to talk to my husband and just be honest with him about what I’m thinking and how I’m feeling.

I don’t know whether to talk to my friend about it….. though I don’t even know what I would say or why I would say anything to her anyway.

I cannot just simply cut her out of my life due to the ways we are linked and so I just feel clueless as to how to nip this is the bud. I just don’t know how to manage this.

ALL suggestions and advice are very much welcome!

I wish I knew. I've got one and wish it would go away its not convenient at all. I hate having it on my mind alot.

This is so interesting! I find it so strange how the mind works when you can see someone so many times then BAM crush and you can’t get them out of your brain.

I think it’s like you said a crush so why tell your husband and upset him or your friend I mean would you act on it if she tried it on with you?

I wish I knew. Despite being happily married I can't stop an overwhelming crush I seem to have developed on someone I can't avoid. It's really driving me to distraction.

No advice other than to tell you it's completely normal and just ride it out. I always have one, and do so at the moment, but I don't see any harm because I know it won't go anywhere.

I’m very happily married to an amazing man

The amazing thing is that you'd risk wrecking his home and his happiness?

Maybe you need to rethink how "happy" HIS marriage is.

This is slightly me at the moment. Went on a work sort of away day/physical event the other week for one day, man walked through the door whom I'm never seen before. It was only when sharing journey home (I had to go the same way as him even though I'd come a different way, Citymapper said it was quicker), and even then I was just thinking, oh he's nice to chat to. And then I found myself looking up his name on our company website etc.

I know it's probably because I'm single (hopefully will change) and I'm not going to apply for a job working in his department (I mean I could but...!).

Luckily we only work in the office 2 days a week so if I see him less it'll be better!

I'm of the opinion that humans aren't naturally monogamous beings. So just enjoy the crush, don't act on it and accept that it's life

Or like me, you've never seen this man before, see him once during a day when you meet along with others, think 'oh he's cute/hot' in passing when you first see him and then spend an hour journey just you and him and he just slips into your mind as of the next day/few days. Gah!

I really, really wouldn’t tell your friend. The likelihood of that ending well is so tiny. If a friend of mine told me similar I’d die inside and avoid her like the plague. I’d obviously pretend I wasn’t avoiding her but the end result would be the same. The friendship would just die a death. Even worse would be if she gossiped about it and then you had to deal with that too.

Did you even read the OP? She’s looking for ways of getting over the crush.

OP the only thing I can advise is trying to re-programme your thought patterns by consciously choosing not to think about her.

Every time your thoughts stray to her, say to yourself “she doesn’t interest me” and deliberately think about something else. Eventually it will become a habit that she doesn’t really occupy your thoughts. Apart from when you actually see her etc, but hopefully the crush will have disappeared because you’ve stopped compulsively thinking of her.

Thanks everyone,

I haven’t seen her for about 4 days now which is the longest I’ve gone without seeing her and I’m distracting myself if I find my thoughts wandering towards her.

I know that everyone fancies people other than their partners and it’s completely normal and I always have a giggle with my DH if I think he’s got a crush on someone else, but where does the line lie between an innocent crush or something more damaging?

So long as you don't act on it, I think it is fine.

You don't have to cut all contact but perhaps try and reduce where possible.

Also can you focus more on your DH (not saying you are not), plan some trips/ a holiday/ whatever?

What does ride it out mean. I've had mine 10 months now and it's not going away.
People mention limerance too what is the difference? If you suffer from ocd is limerance just a part of it.

What is the difference between limerance and a crush?

Agree, why does it suddenly come on after years of knowing someone too?
I read up about limerance but find it confusing. Limerance versus a crush.

Don’t tell your friend, it’ll change your relationship one way or another. Likewise don’t tell your husband for the same reason, unless you habitually tell him about crushes you have (on ppl you know, not celebrities) and he’s cool with it. Unless of course you want to introduce ‘drama’ into your life, by indulging a crush like a teenager.

What's a crush, what's limerance,

My crush involves me thinking about her all the time, imagining conversations we’d have, thinking about her face, wondering if she’s thinking of me, scrolling through old WhatsApp chats we’ve had, randomly looking at her Facebook page, looking for her on the school playground, wondering whether she’ll text me during the day etc.

These obviously aren’t thoughts/actions that last 24/7, just ones that’s creep up on me a lot during the day.

I have no idea what Limerance is 🤷‍♀️

Google it. I first read about ot on this site.

In opinion a crush can end just as quickly as it starts. You are going through a stereotypical crush - it's all in your head. YOU are imagining conversations, YOU are thinking about her, YOU are looking out for her. She is being friendly - I agree with the previous posters, don't tell her - it will change the whole friendship with her and the dynamics of the group. Stop scrolling for her, can you get DH to answer the door when your children is being picked up dropped off etc. Put a bit of distance between you.

Sometimes I find myself fantasising about a person/thing/place/entirely different life. I find it helpful to think about why my mind is wandering there. If I'm fantasising about buying a canal boat and travelling round the country, I'm really fantasising about leaving behind the stress of work (my current job is not that stressful but I'm still burnt out from my last job) and not feeling tied down by my mortgage and the mundane things in life. There are much less drastic things I can do to achieve some of these things, but the fantasy highlights what it is I need to focus on to get my life more where I want it to be.

When you find your mind wandering to your friend, what is it about the fantasy that makes you feel good/excited/hopeful etc? Is this maybe something you could get elsewhere? e.g. needing some novelty or excitement in your life. Was anything going on in your life when the crush started?

From reading about linerence it’s definitely not that. Limerence seems to be a psychological disorder that would either lead to self destruction, or a prison sentence for either stalking the person, or for murdering them during a psychotic phase.

I can’t avoid her as I see her at the school gates every morning and every afternoon. And when our friendship goes out she is always part of it.

I suppose what I’m missing is just female attention. I would never cheat on my husband but being attracted to women feels different than being attracted to him and although I can’t have both, that doesn’t stop me missing the way I feel when I’m near a woman I fancy.

I haven’t seen the mum for a while now as they are away for the week and I do feel a little better. All I need to do now is just scrolling through her FB photos and commenting on them as a way of communicating with her 😂