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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I too harsh to my DD?

20 replies

cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 12:55

Parenting advice required !

My DD 2.5 has been playing rough at softplay...

Last weekend we were at a softplay and she just doesn't know how to play nicely with other kids. They'll be playing chase or something like that and she'll just rugby tackle them to the ground and then sit on their head and perhaps kick her feet a bit. Or a child will just be standing there and my DD will go up and push the child to the floor to then have a tumble with them.

It doesn't look like she's angry and doing it. It's like she wants to play and tumble around with the kids.

It's clearly inappropriate. I asked her nicely not to be so rough and explained she is hurting children and upsetting them. I saw her do something similar again, so I gave her a warning to not do it again or we leave. She did it again, so we left.

How can I help my DD ? Was I too harsh ? I used my big mum voice when I gave the warning. I think it's necessary, because she could hurt a child. Is that too harsh ? I don't use the big voice a lot. Just when things get dangerous.

OP posts:
Cw112 · 07/10/2022 12:59

No deffo not too harsh. Plus better you are the one enforcing a boundary there than another angry parent who's child's head just got sat on. It sounds like you were totally appropriate to me.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 12:59

No, you weren’t harsh at all. Spot on, I’d say.

take her again, explain the rules up front and if it happens again, follow through again.

Absolutely no need to be angry or loud, just get down to her level, look her in the eye and explain calmly every time.

tedious for you but she’ll get there.

(is she at nursery at all? If not, a few hours weekly may help with socialisation?)

Original poster
cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 13:00

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 12:59

No, you weren’t harsh at all. Spot on, I’d say.

take her again, explain the rules up front and if it happens again, follow through again.

Absolutely no need to be angry or loud, just get down to her level, look her in the eye and explain calmly every time.

tedious for you but she’ll get there.

(is she at nursery at all? If not, a few hours weekly may help with socialisation?)

She's at nursery ! A lot !

OP posts:
Quincythequince · 07/10/2022 13:00

No, not too harsh!
She’ll learn and other parents will appreciate you for doing this.

It’s highly vexing when I child is being too rough and their parents at ignore it.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2022 13:00

I think you handled it brilliantly.

Original poster
cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 13:02

Do you think she'll grow out of this ? At nursery she does similar stuff, I'm told. But they don't tell her off for it really apparently.

OP posts:
unitywardrobe · 07/10/2022 13:02

It sounds pretty spot on to me. Unfortunately you might have to repeat this a few times until it clicks in her mind. She'll get there eventually. 😊

CrookCrane · 07/10/2022 13:02

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 07/10/2022 13:00

I think you handled it brilliantly.

Agreed. I also agree that next time you go, or go to the park etc. Tell her the expectations before hand. I used to say “no touching other children and be kind”.

thefiddlerselbow · 07/10/2022 13:02

Thank you for parenting your child. My kids were always the ones that got walloped by someone's kid at soft play. So many people just ignore it. I'd have handled it exactly like you. Do it every time exactly in the same way and she'll learn.
There's a good book series 'hands are not for hitting' which is worth a look too.

Dontsparethehorses · 07/10/2022 13:03

No definitely not too harsh. Does she behave like this at nursery? If so perhaps ask them for behaviour support. If not consider that you might need to give her the warnings before she does anything as she is obviously choosing to behave like this when with you

thefiddlerselbow · 07/10/2022 13:04

cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 13:02

Do you think she'll grow out of this ? At nursery she does similar stuff, I'm told. But they don't tell her off for it really apparently.

And probably the reason she's doing it at soft play is because she's getting away with it at Nursery. Have a word with them. One warning and then being asked to play somewhere else should do it.

outtheshowernow · 07/10/2022 13:05

No you did the right thing. Talk to her before you go In about expectations. One warning at the first sign of rough play. Second time straight out. Well done for following through

Emeraldgreenjewel · 07/10/2022 13:06

My friends boy does this. It’s not borne out of frustration but he wants to play.

I may be the minority view here but I am not sure whether perhaps it was a little harsh or not. Did she understand cause and effect? Mine is a few months younger but wouldn’t correlate ‘I pushed a child’ with ‘we have to leave’ at all. And mine IS an ‘angry’ pusher.

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2022 13:07

cokezeroyes · Today 13:00
MrsSkylerWhite · Today 12:59
No, you weren’t harsh at all. Spot on, I’d say.

take her again, explain the rules up front and if it happens again, follow through again.

Absolutely no need to be angry or loud, just get down to her level, look her in the eye and explain calmly every time.

tedious for you but she’ll get there.

(is she at nursery at all? If not, a few hours weekly may help with socialisation?)

“She's at nursery ! A lot !”

ok, ignore that bit then 🤣

still think your handling is spot on. Wish you’d been at our soft plays.

orangeisthenewpuce · 07/10/2022 13:09

You're doing parenting right. She might not stop straight away but keep warning her, and if she doesn't stop do what you've said you'll do and leave. She'll get it eventually.

quietnightmare · 07/10/2022 13:09

Yup spot on OP. She's learnings keep going. You never know sounds like she may become an Olympic champion at judo or represent the country in rugby. All jokes aside maybe try her at rugby as an activity

dumbstruckdumptruck · 07/10/2022 13:15

Not harsh at all. You did great.

And in future you might find she responds better to you telling her specifics, primarily of what TO do, rather than what NOT to do. We humans, especially kids, can't "do a negative", so give her a behaviour to replace the roughness with.

"Don't be rough" is actually quite a nuanced thing for a child to understand. It could refer to speed, force, physical space, height, consent...

Similarly, "play nicely" means a LOT of things that kids don't know automatically.

So telling her to be gentle with her hands, to ask if someone wants to play, or, if you have to do a what-not-to-do, then a nice specific "we don't push people down".

But in short, I'm with PP – you weren't too harsh at all.

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 13:21

No, she's still very little but her behaviour sounds like it could be dangerous (especially around smaller children) so it's your job as her parent to intervene, which you are doing.

I would do a three-step rather than a two-step process though. Step one - verbal warning. Step two - if she does it again, remove her from the fun and make her sit next to you for 5 minutes. Explain that she is having a time-out from the fun because she is not playing nicely. Before she goes back in, let her know clearly that if the behaviour happens again, you will leave. Then, Step 3 - if it happens a third time, follow through and leave. I'd add the extra step of a time-out so she has an extra chance to make the link between rough behaviour = not being allowed to play. I think taking her home immediately after a verbal warning she might not really have processed properly is a bit drastic.

Original poster
cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 13:24

Goldbar · 07/10/2022 13:21

No, she's still very little but her behaviour sounds like it could be dangerous (especially around smaller children) so it's your job as her parent to intervene, which you are doing.

I would do a three-step rather than a two-step process though. Step one - verbal warning. Step two - if she does it again, remove her from the fun and make her sit next to you for 5 minutes. Explain that she is having a time-out from the fun because she is not playing nicely. Before she goes back in, let her know clearly that if the behaviour happens again, you will leave. Then, Step 3 - if it happens a third time, follow through and leave. I'd add the extra step of a time-out so she has an extra chance to make the link between rough behaviour = not being allowed to play. I think taking her home immediately after a verbal warning she might not really have processed properly is a bit drastic.

Ah wow ! very good advice thank you. I don't think she realised that's why we left.. strangely she didn't protest leaving, which she usually does. Next time I'll do what you said.

OP posts:
Original poster
cokezeroyes · 07/10/2022 13:30

dumbstruckdumptruck · 07/10/2022 13:15

Not harsh at all. You did great.

And in future you might find she responds better to you telling her specifics, primarily of what TO do, rather than what NOT to do. We humans, especially kids, can't "do a negative", so give her a behaviour to replace the roughness with.

"Don't be rough" is actually quite a nuanced thing for a child to understand. It could refer to speed, force, physical space, height, consent...

Similarly, "play nicely" means a LOT of things that kids don't know automatically.

So telling her to be gentle with her hands, to ask if someone wants to play, or, if you have to do a what-not-to-do, then a nice specific "we don't push people down".

But in short, I'm with PP – you weren't too harsh at all.

This is also very useful thank you

OP posts:
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