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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single mother daughter moving 6 hours away

22 replies

Granny519 · 06/10/2022 23:49

My lovely daughter, 30 years old and single mother of two DC age 8 and 3 has decided to move 6 hours away from all her family and friends (father has no contact). I'm really worried about her decision and it is keeping me up at night. She knows nobody from the place she is moving and she is a carer for her little lad who is potentially autistic, although doing well in his development. I know she is an adult and can make her own choices, but I feel as a single mother she needs the extra support from her family around her. She has struggled with depression in the past and her reasons for moving are 1) she can't move forward with her life in a place which has many bad memories for her. 2) she's fallen in love with the place she is moving to after visiting only three times. I also have a new partner and they don't get along very well which I'm sure isn't helping matters. Maybe I'm being selfish but I feel totally heartbroken at my daughter being so far away and on her own. Any time I put my worries forward to her my head is bitten off and I'm told that I think she's incapable and being treated like a child is partly why she wants to move which isn't true at all. I don't treat her like a child but she's on her own and I do worry. Any advice appreciated

OP posts:

Shortname · 06/10/2022 23:59

She's an adult, you've told her you're worried, there's really no more you can do. If you want to continue to have a relationship when she moves I'm afraid you're going to have to find a way to be supportive.

ClaryFairchild · 06/10/2022 23:59

Back off, would be my main piece of advice. She needs to do what is best for her, and you don't get to decide what is or what isn't best for her.

If the "family support" had been such a great help up to now she likely wouldn't be rushing to move.

FlissyPaps · 07/10/2022 00:00

It’s totally normal to feel heartbroken because you’ll not see her and the grandkids as much. That’s totally understandable OP, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing this situation. As a mother, you’ll never stop worrying about her, no matter how old she gets.

However, it seems she has her heart set on this move. I would actively support her with this. Because if you try and encourage her not to do it she may become defensive, thus biting your head off. It does seem selfish to stop someone from their wishes or dreams just because it will upset you.

She is old enough to make her own life decisions for her and her children. It sounds as if she wants a total fresh start and change of scenery. I wouldn’t blame her for that. There is a whole world out there to explore. She and her DCs will be able to make new friends.

A situation like this isn’t permanent though. She could easily move and in a few weeks not like it and want to move back home. Or she could even emigrate and move countries. Anything could happen. The grass isn’t always greener. She won’t be chained down to one location for the rest of her life.

You just need to reassure her that you’re here to support her and her decisions, the times where you travel and visit them or they travel and visit you will be extra special. It won’t be easy, but you’ll all be okay.

Dotcheck · 07/10/2022 00:03

Find other ways to be in touch and make a habit of it.
Send care parcels, make plans to visit.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 00:05

So glad you're not my mum, you'd have died of a heart attack when I upped and left the country on my own for similar reasons to your daughter and moved 2000 miles away from everyone I knew. It made me and changed my life for the better in so many ways. Let her do what's right for her, she's an adult, and while I get your concern it doesn't sound like she's happy where she is. Change is good. And if it turns out not to be good she's not moving to Jupiter, it's six hours. She can come back.

Kitkatcatflap · 07/10/2022 01:45

Wow - some mean comments on here OP. You are a concerned mum, worried about her daughter - a single mum of of two with a history of depression moving six hours away with no friends or family support.

It's clearly something she feels she has to do, are you able to help her move or visit soon after. Maybe you could look up for some support groups to help her. As she has only visited the place she wants to move to 3 times, are you in a position to look after the children whilst she does a reccy for flats, schools, drs etc.

More importantly, make sure she knows the door is open is she wants to return to the area. There's no shame in wanting to try something new ......

Big hug OP

Cassiekins · 07/10/2022 01:58

Hello 👋

Realityloom · 07/10/2022 02:00

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 00:05

Alright I wouldn't go that far. OP is obviously finding it hard to process and as others have said she now needs to find a way to wish her daughter well and step back a bit.

Does your DD work OP? Can she juggle work and her 2 kids alone? It does sound a bit drastic but she's a grown up also

Cassiekins · 07/10/2022 02:01

You answered yourself.. you said you know you're being selfish. As hard as is it for you, this isn't your decision. I feel for you but you have to let her make own way

Ponderingwindow · 07/10/2022 02:04

It’s hard to let go of the relationship you hoped to have with your daughter and grandchildren. It has to be mutual though and she has made her decision.

if she would welcome you moving too, without your new partner, would you consider making the move?

MintJulia · 07/10/2022 02:32

Your dd is changing her life, trying to build a new one for her and her family. She is young, and life is full of opportunities. You should be pleased for her, not trying to hold her back.

She's not moving to the moon, you can still travel to see her.

ThatsTheWayIHikeIt · 07/10/2022 02:49

I knew what many of the responses would be before I read them, as these sort of threads always go the same way - back off it's none of your business - basically. I mean how outrageous to think that a mother should be concerned and heartbroken over her vulnerable daughter and child with additional needs moving 6 hours away to a place where she doesn't know a soul. How dare you be upset about it! What's it got to do with you? You're only her mother!

I hope the posters telling you to back off don't have to experience what you're going through one day, although it may teach them some empathy.

Keep communication channels open, be supportive of her plans (even if you don't feel it), tell her you're always there for her and cry in private.

Cassiekins · 07/10/2022 02:55

Of course she has the right to worry and voice her concerns to her daughter, but as parent of grown up children there's nothing more you can do

Cassiekins · 07/10/2022 02:56

Like you said, just continue to be there for her..

NumberTheory · 07/10/2022 04:53

You say you don’t treat her like a child, but you talk about her a bit like one.

You haven’t mentioned any ridiculous entitlement like expecting you to drive up every weekend and babysit, your post is all about your desire for her to need you.

But, unless she is prone to unrealistic flights of fancy, if she thinks somewhere else where she knows no one is preferable to staying near you and her friends she probably gets less real help than you think or it seems so loaded with expectation or judgement that it’s not worth it to her.

Being concerned for her is normal. But having that concern make you try and control her life (and that is what you’re doing by trying to talk her into staying) is not the way to treat an adult, whether they’re your child or not.

MrsTumblebee · 07/10/2022 05:01

Perhaps she’s moving as she sees no reason to stay now that you’re choosing to be with a partner she doesn’t get along with - even though the dislike appears to be mutual.

JenniferBarkley · 07/10/2022 05:07

I don't blame you for worrying,I would too, but she's being very clear. Sounds like she's finding you a bit overbearing and perhaps finding the town a bit claustrophobic. I think you need to back off and be more positive about the move.

Apart from anything else, if you keep pushing you'll make it harder for her to admit it hasn't worked out if it doesn't go well. And if she does decide to move back, for goodness sake never say anything remotely like I told you so.

JustAnotherSlob · 07/10/2022 05:08

Why don't your DD and DP get along? Does your DD feel pushed away? Could it be that she feels she doesn't have your support where she is, and there is less of a reason for her to stay?

lunar1 · 07/10/2022 05:10

Maybe it's easier to leave than be around your partner who she doesn't get along with. What happened to cause problems there?

Darbs76 · 07/10/2022 05:57

perfectly normal for you to worry. I moved 250 miles away with my then 7yrs old son over 20yrs ago. It was for a job. We knew no-one and it was a big move. I’ve been back every half term (apart from pandemic) since and spend quality time with my mum then. She used to visit me in the early years but doesn’t now. I did enjoy the break from going back there every holiday when covid struck, it is a long journey no matter which transport I use.

you’ve raised your concerns, just be supportive now. You will still see your daughter. Not sure what’s going on with your partner and daughter but if that meant my daughter wouldn’t come and stag with me in the future then I’d consider the relationship to be honest.

caroleanboneparte · 07/10/2022 08:40

You could always move too.

Murdoch1949 · 08/10/2022 02:49

Without the children and her fragility I would support her, but she will find it very difficult with no back up system. She’ll make friends gradually but they won’t be expected to babysit, step in when children are ill, offer overnight stays etc. She’s underestimated her network of allies. You can’t stop her, just welcome her back when she returns.

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