TW, was this child sexual abuse?

[NC1992]

Hi everyone, I'm a regular user but have NC for this post. I'm 30 and my older brother is 38. We have a good relationship, although don't really see each other/speak very often these days. I'll get straight to the point and say I have vivid memories of when I was about 5, and my brother was about 12/13, of him pinning me down in the garden when nobody could see and "dry humping" me (sorry, can't think of another term). I remember feeling what I now know to be an erection and when he was done, he would just walk off. I think I remember him making out it was a "game", although I'm not sure on that part. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to get from this post but I've never told a soul and it's bothered me all my life. I've struggled with sexual relationships as an adult and often wondered if this contributed. It happened numerous times, then he stopped. I don't really know what it was or how to feel about it.

İt must have taken a lot of courage for you to write this, so well done on being brave and opening up. İt certainly was abuse. May be worth you seeking a therapist to have some counseling sessions to help overcome the vivid memories effecting you and helping you with some validation and closure. Not knowing how to feel about it is a normal response with abuse within the family unit.

Don't understand who is saying you're being unreasonable?! Sorry this happened to you x

Yes you were abused and I’m really sorry. I have had therapy for sexual abuse and would suggest you speak to a therapist. There are so many children that it happens to, know you are sadly not alone. Wishing you strength.

I’m sorry you experienced this and have been holding it all these years.
yes that is abuse.
I would definitely seek out some therapy to work through some of your feelings.

Yes it was abuse. However your brother was a child himself and it’s likely he didn’t realise it was abuse.

Thanks for the kind responses everyone. Will definitely look in to some form of therapy for myself. Asparagoose this is exactly how I feel about my brother also being a child himself. I actually felt really guilty writing this post as I love my brother and we have a fairly good relationship. So confusing.

I was repeatedly raped by two step brothers around the same age as the OP's brother. They were sneaky about it as went to bed earlier than everyone else. Even followed me into the bathroom any chance to get me alone they did. Are you telling me they didn't know it was wrong?

Your brother knew it was wrong, why else would he do this to you in the garden where no one else could see? Why else would he pin you down? Don't feel guilty - try and find a good professional to talk through your feelings.

I think at 12/13 he would have known it was wrong. Definitely abuse.

I am sorry.

@Asparagoose
''Yes it was abuse. However your brother was a child himself and it’s likely he didn’t realise it was abuse.''

A teenager of 12 or 13 would know that what the OP described is abuse. Don't start trying to justify or downplay his behaviour.

I am really OP that you had to go through this. Speak to your GP and ask to be referred for professional counselling to try to unravel this. There are also charities that support victims of abuse and can sometimes offer support quicker than through the NHS. The charity Mind provides counselling for example and you can self-refer.

Also do you think your brother could have assaulted other children? does he have kids himself? Sorry to add another layer to this horrid story but it could be that your brother stoped his abusive behaviour towards you after a while because he is only attracted to kids.