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AIBU?

Anybody else living with their ex due to cost of living?

16 replies

Livingwithex · 06/10/2022 18:57

Posting for traffic.
Me and my ex broke up but cant afford to live seperately. We have one toddler together.
when Im at work, he is looking after her and vice versa. So no childcare costs. We have a house together. But if we were to sold we would not be able to own a house each especially with current living costs, mortgages etc.
we have been in separate bedrooms for months. Not sure whats going to happen when we meet somebody else.
My only hope is when we get 30 hours free childcare, then maybe we could get different jobs, prices will settled down and we will be able to live separately.
please tell me Im not the only one living with ex?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

18 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
50%
You are NOT being unreasonable
50%
MovingBackIn · 06/10/2022 19:21

Name changed for this because it's identifying alongside other posts.

I left my husband last year after 30 years of marriage, a lot of them unhappy. We'd lived separately in the same house for years. Kids grown but still living at home. Me and the kids moved out into a rental property and we've really enjoyed being away from him, not treading on eggshells, doing our own thing. Then one of my kids and their partner (who was also living with us) moved out into their own place. Without their financial contribution, alongside all the cost of living increases, I just can't afford it anymore.

In an ideal world I'd have divorced my husband and taken my share of the equity, however there are other considerations, such as me having a good private pension and him having hardly anything. I don't want to give him half of mine, just because he chose to squander his money (used to earn much more than me).

The other consideration is that he's now a very unwell man. He has some serious health issues which are manageable but not curable. I don't have the heart to make him move because tbh, the equity would at best buy us each a very small flat further away. I don't want to move too far because my elderly mother lives here. So, I'm making plans to move back in to the family home with my other daughter. I'll admit I've been getting on better with husband in recent months as us leaving really shook him and he's trying to be a better person. It's a shame he didn't try as hard before we left! No idea how we'll get on or if we'll be back at each other's throats within weeks. I'm not relishing it but feel as my other options are limited for now.

Im hoping that in a few years I'll be able to afford to set up gain somewhere else. My mother is very elderly and frail and I'm realistic that she doesn't have too many years left. Providing she doesn't need to go into a care home there will be some inheritance. That's all a maybe though as we never know what's round the corner so for now I've just got to suck up moving back and making the most of it.

Sundownglow · 06/10/2022 20:41

Yes for years we can't afford. We have part buy part rent property. I work full time but not earn enough to move out and take morgage or rent. Also no family or friends to help.

moita · 06/10/2022 20:47

Yes. It's horrendous but taking it a day at a time.

OhIdoLike2bBesideTheSeaside · 06/10/2022 20:47

My work colleague does this and she finds it quite stressful but feels she has no choice because of finances.

Neither of them could live on their own financially and they have 1 child in a 2 bed house so she shares with her daughter and he has his own room.

I think it's more common than people think 🤔

Ijustbluemyself · 06/10/2022 20:48

Similar thing here.

With my partner for 6 years, moved into her house with her 2 children. We've now amicably split but I'm facing the horrible situation of going back into a houseshare in my mid 30s as no way I can afford to live alone.

We're self employed in a business we built together which I can't duck out of now. Makes it impossible for me to get a mortgage, even moreso at the moment!

It is hard. How are we meant to move on when nothing day to day is very different? I'm very up and down emotionally. Couldn't even face dating at the moment and explaining the set up.

No advice I'm afraid, just sympathy.

toobusytothink · 06/10/2022 20:53

Yes my DP does this but they “nest” so never there at the same time. Only works though as he can be at mine and his ex can be at her OH’s. It’s still horrendous though because they are still financially tied to each other and she is very unpleasant and makes threats to return to the property during his time with the kids whenever she asks for more money from him for whatever reason and he can’t give it to her or if she feels he isn’t doing his share of the cleaning etc. so she can always blackmail him into doing what she wants and it’s horrible. But he can’t afford to move out unfortunately so she has him over a barrel. Don’t get me wrong, he benefits from sharing household costs, but boy does it come at a cost in other ways ……

Livingwithex · 06/10/2022 20:58

So i wanted my family to visit as they live far away but with this weird set up and awkward atmosphere I dont think I can have any guests and I cant afford to visit them.
so depressing

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 06/10/2022 21:08

Sympathies. My OH is the same. His parents never come to visit him there. I have never stayed over there for obvious reasons and can’t stand even entering the property. People judge me for being with someone who has this set up but he’s divorced and there’s nothing dodgy and it’s actually good for the kids. And is the only way they can afford to give them the life they have. But his mental health suffers as a result, as I’m sure his ex’s does.

Sundownglow · 06/10/2022 21:12

Try to save some money take you baby on holidays to visit family. That is what I do for years although my ex is supportive and will pay for tickets etc. Also when visiting family I don't have to pay for accommodation and food.

Livingwithex · 06/10/2022 21:22

toobusytothink · 06/10/2022 21:08

Sympathies. My OH is the same. His parents never come to visit him there. I have never stayed over there for obvious reasons and can’t stand even entering the property. People judge me for being with someone who has this set up but he’s divorced and there’s nothing dodgy and it’s actually good for the kids. And is the only way they can afford to give them the life they have. But his mental health suffers as a result, as I’m sure his ex’s does.

What did you mean by nesting? They just live in separate bedrooms?
i dont know how can I explain my living situation to any future possible partners

OP posts:
toobusytothink · 06/10/2022 21:46

Nesting is a set up whereby the children stay in the house and the parents take it in turns to stay in the property when it is their time with the kids. It does rely on both parents having somewhere to go though when it’s not their time. My dh is never in the house at the same time as his ex. And obviously they have separate bedrooms…
It isn’t ideal, but I was understanding to the situation. As obviously was his ex’s OH. So it doesn’t rule out the idea of having a relationship with someone. But you would have to be honest and they would have to be very understanding because as the OH on the other side of it, it’s very difficult.

Relocatiorelocation · 09/10/2022 11:22

For those of you who are doing this with any level of success do you have any tips?
Do you still eat together, live from a family calender to make sure children are covered etc?
I'm in this situation for at least 6 months I think. Thankfully we have enough bedrooms but I'm just not sure how to keep it civil and make it work.

Livingwithex · 09/10/2022 14:14

Relocatiorelocation · 09/10/2022 11:22

For those of you who are doing this with any level of success do you have any tips?
Do you still eat together, live from a family calender to make sure children are covered etc?
I'm in this situation for at least 6 months I think. Thankfully we have enough bedrooms but I'm just not sure how to keep it civil and make it work.

No not eating together. Nothing together actually. We try not to be at home at the same time which is quite easy due to our work. Once DC is asleep I stay in my bedroom, i dont use a lounge to watch tv coz i dont want to be around ex

OP posts:
Chloefairydust · 09/10/2022 17:45

One of my colleagues does this as neither can afford to live alone. It’s works out quite well for her, they share childcare and the children see both their parents all the time which is good.

I think this situation will become more difficult and awkward when either starts a new relationship. I think that’s when the situation gets complicated. Don’t know I would be happy for my boyfriend to be living with his ex lol.

Complicatedismymiddlename · 26/11/2022 07:19

I've just ended up in this situation my ex isn't a bad guy but we have been through so much kids don't live with us but visit (long complicated story) I have health conditions similar to long covid the cost of living finally was the straw that broke down a 14 year relationship re realized we are friends but romance sex even basic interests are not compatible now I have a 2 bedroom house and he can't afford to move out due to an iva I certainly can't afford a 2 bedroom house eat and heat living alone so we have talked and trying to be grown up about it and I'm happy for him to be a lodger if he brings a girl back fine as long as he doesn't keep me awake with the noise lol he's the dad of my youngest and due to a rather complicated situation with my other child living in residential care I do not want to lose the home either which if he moved out I'd have to back to my parents everything is currently being split his stuff going in spare room food is seperated we have got 2 fridge freezers so that made that a lot easier the only thing that's not seperated yet is the laundry and that's because there's a back log because I have my own room he has his own room we don't have to be around each other the only annoying thing is he still wakes me with his alarm for work I put a claim in for uc and the lady thinks it's wierd he's still at my home but the relationship has broken down but I honestly can't think of a better flat mate he's a bit crap at housework but to be fair I'd rather clean an extra side down and have some help with the current cost of living my situation may be very different to many as mentally the relationship died a while back circumstances kept us together but even tho the split is new I'm happier he's happier I'm really hoping the uc coach can help me find work around my own illnesses and I can have some independence back I may be stuck living with my ex but I'm no longer having to ask him for money provided my claim goes ok I can get medical stuff now which has also become a strain for a couple of years I honestly care about my ex I don't dislike him I just don't want a relationship past being friends it's doable if your adult about it I think maybe some people the relationship ends with a hate me and him realize we are not the same people we were and it's not because of anything we have done so no cheating no nastyness I honestly hope he does find somone who makes him happy I myself just want to find me again and I'm excited for that I'm 35 and I feel like a teenager again and even tho the situation isn't great and I'd rather him have his own place circumstances won't permit it so rather than get mad we are trying to see the positives ( it's ended on good terms we still have contact with the kids and it's not disrupting there routine we are kinda used to living seperate in the same house done it for a while we just made it official and no longer feel obligated to the others sexual needs lol he has a hand I have double a batteries lol , my cats who are old don't need to be rehomed which before we actually calmed down I was more upset about than the idea of breaking up with him) for anyone stuck and unhappy I'm so sorry for what your going through but focus on the positives where you can for me I'm happier I can't speak for him but he seems a lot more relaxed too now that he's not responsible for me anymore and I'd like to think moving forwards we will both be happier I still love him very much as I think he still loves me very much it's just more like how a sister and brother would be than a boyfriend girlfriend

HairyKitty · 03/01/2023 09:05

Nesting requires the separated couple to be able to afford another (small) property one way or another. The point in this case is that they can’t afford this.

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