Could it be autism? DS10 struggling and sad

[Couldtheyfly]

My son is 10 years old (year 6) and has always struggled to form friendships. He is chatty and kind and sweet but broadly speaking, not as mature or sophisticated as some of his peer group. He is mildly dyslexic and has a terrible memory so he appears a little disorganised and all over the place sometimes.

But what's really holding him back is that he can't seem to adjust his behaviour socially. He does things that annoy other children, like patting them on the back or repeating an annoying phrase. Or calling out in class and making jokes that no one else seems to be amused by. He wants to get laughs from other kids as he sees that as a way of making friends. But conversely he doesn't always want to socialise or seek out the company of other kids. He is at his most content watching a favourite TV programme on the sofa or sitting on his bedroom floor with Lego. He never builds the proper Lego set - just repeatedly plays with very small rare pieces and makes his own little figures and models. He carries Lego around with him, always has to have something, like a prop or a comfort toy.

I really don't know how to help him - school have just disciplined him very severely for annoying /calling out in class and he just seems to be getting worse. He seems lost, overloaded, all over the place. Trying desperately to make friends and get the other kids to like him but the more he tries, the more they dislike him. He's so unhappy and often cries when he talks about it at home.

My older child has recently been diagnosed with high-functioning autism. They are very different children - my older son is very academic and has some good, solid friendships.

I wonder if my DS10 has autism too, but is presenting very differently. We will seek a diagnosis, but in the meantime how can I help/support him? He ultimately needs to stop with these behaviours that are not school appropriate and annoying his peers. I don't know why he continues - he does understand other people find it annoying and it's not helping him to make friends - but that doesn't seem to deter him. I don't know if he can't help himself or he genuinely cannot judge how his words/actions will be received. Probably a bit of both ... Would love to hear any advice and or similar experiences. I feel so sad that he's having such an unhappy time at school.

Get it all in writing too. Email concerns. If you have a conversation then follow it up in writing and ask for a response to confirm that your understanding is correct. Tackle dealing with school like an important project, create a paper trail and collect evidence.

In secondary this is often what ADD looks like: off task, staring into space, processing instructions behind (so getting out of seat to get book after everyone has already started reading), continuing a class joke on and not stopping until ‘told off’- so waiting for a very obvious negative reaction as a social cue to stop. Aiming social interactions with peers at a ‘whole group level’ (shouting out random stuff, for instance), or at a very tactile level personally (tapping chairs, throwing pencil cases, etc) and again, waiting for a very obvious negative reaction to stop.

the way it’s dealt with in ks3 is to- over explain (‘ie, a joke is only funny for a short time, then it stops being funny, the joke has stopped now’), clear negative and positive reactions (not punishments, but verbal statements rather than simply body language), sometimes a TA will provide a running commentary on other students reactions (x smiled the first time but now isn’t smiling, that means it’s time to stop if you still want x to feel friendly), and as a Pp - structured group activities or clubs

Talk to SENDCO get stuff in writing to make sure there’s a paper trail as you may need that later in. Set out your concerns, if his attendance starts to drop they soon sit up and listen as that effects ofsted ratings… my DD wasn’t listened to much at primary but at secondary because they are used to seeing more of this it’s been eye opening that small things have made a huge difference to her day. She has structured breaks from learning and 1:1 chats with a well-being TA this helps emotional regulation. Encouraged to try different lunch stuff like Art, board games and music to give a break from “school”. There is things they can do but you need them to change the narrative from naughty to his needs are not being met in the current environment.

Thank you, thank you. All of this is so helpful. I think rest breaks and a friendly face for a 1:1 chat would be so helpful for him. I really appreciate your responses.

Low self esteem and ADHD (not sure about autism) are unfortunately common. My DS said the first thing that he noticed when we got him on medication for his ADHD was that he felt more confident. I hadn't appreciated how low his self confidence was until then. OP it sounds like the school know that you're looking into diagnosis for him and I'm glad that they are being proactive about helping him with social issues, but it really isn't helpful to be punishing a DC who probably has SEN. All it will do is make him feel worse and not help his behaviour. Does the school have a SENCo? If so, I would arrange a meeting with them to discuss how best to deal with his more challenging behaviours in a way that doesn't cast him as naughty or badly behaved as that simply isn't helpful.

My DC got support before getting a diagnosis. Perhaps speaking to the SENCO about support can be put in place to specifically help from an inclusion perspective. Good luck OP

He sounds lovely not unlike my own boys who all have adhd or asd or both. We talk lots about emotions and feelings. We even role play different situations to show how behaviours can annoy people.
School need more supportive goals. Instead of punishments they could do what my sons primary do. He gets stickers every 1/4 of the day for not shouting out then certificate at the end of the day if he managed to do whole day putting up his hand. He also has timers and visual equipment list so he know what he needs to get on his desk and 3 min sand timer to start work.

We also do a family sport together that allows boys to perform individually but be part of a group

Definitely true for ASD in our case. Ds was miserable and felt like a failure getting everything wrong all the time. He called himself a weirdo etc. he is in a specialist autism secondary now and thriving because everyone is the same as him and he doesn't feel like a weirdo anymore. He walks a little bit taller and is much more confidant about himself.

Music Theatre has helped my DD who is about the same age with ASD ADHD diagnoses. I think it's because it's very structured and singing, shouting and running about is positively encouraged if it's appropriate for the scene.

I think girls are sometimes better at copying social behaviour even if they don't truly get why they need to do it.

The idea of social stories is good.

Think we definitely need to start supporting with modelling how to start conversations with friends, how annoying behaviours can feel for others. And appropriate comebacks for when he is on the receiving end of teasing.

I haven't pushed back too much with school this time but have said I don't think the disciplinary is helpful to him while he's struggling. I am trying to maintain positive relationship with school. Feels like a balancing act and I don't want to jump in too soon before giving them a chance to support.

He is receiving positive reinforcement from another teacher which is helping.

Are there any games or books that have helped with social situations - or just role play?

I watch TV with my daughter and talk to her a lot about the characters. Why is she sad? How do you think X felt when Y did that thing? What should she do about...etc.

The Dumping Ground is good material!

I think you're on a bit of a sticky wicket with "how annoying behaviours can be for others." My DD simply doesn't get that. Distraction and redirection work better, or some physical activity.