Making life changes after bereavement

[ohhh]

Hello

I am interested on your view on my situation. I don't know if the issue is me or my workplace.

Earlier this year I lost a parent to cancer after 7 months from diagnosis. We're so tight knit and it's still hard to understand how it can be possible.

I'm currently finding work more stressful than I want to be. I hoped life events would put things into perspective and I wouldn't get caught up on things. My job has always had quite a potential for stress. I feel silly for having got worked up about things this week when others seemed calm. It isn't who I want to be.

Today I feel like I want to leave my job and do something that won't leave me feeling so exhausted. Some things I love about my job and there are some nice people there.

Am I being unreasonable by thinking now is a good time to make a big change? I'm worried it is a rash decision when I'm feeling all over the place. Maybe starting a fresh would be harder. Or is it understandable that a big life event changes how you view things and reprioritising is a positive step to take. I'm worried about my mental health. I have a 1 year old so what to be best I can be for her.

Im really interested to know if anyone has had a similar experience that may help. I'm feeling quite fragile today so please be gentle.

Thank you for any input xx

I have always said you need a full 12 months before making a major change.

You don’t say how involved you were with providing care for your parent but irrespective of this it does sound like a break from work would be a good idea.

Grieving is not a linear, process you have good and bad days/weeks. There is no prescribed timeline and in fact many people find it is not the initial few weeks but much later it really hits them.

If you are able to take some time off and possibly book a holiday somewhere you will relax and be able to grieve and think through what you want going forward. Even consider asking your GP to sign you off with Bereavement reaction, because that is very likely what this is.

This is a time to be kind to yourself.

Sorry for your loss

The general advice, seems to be, NOT to make any drastic life changes for one year after a bereavement

I would take your time

In a year, you may feel completely different

I'm 50 50 on this.
I made big life changes after a bereavement and it was the right thing for me to do. In terms of job satisfaction and work life balance I've never looked back I was considering the changes anyway.
But I fully understand those who say wait

I did exactly what you described. Mum died, quit job, pursued something else and totally love it. I kept thinking "life's too short to be miserable" (my Mum died relatively young by today's standards)

HOWEVER mine was significantly aided by an inheritance. Without the financial backstop that provided I'd never have been able to do it and it would have been a case of heart ruling head. Deciding to quit a job/change tack should always be worked out mathematically rather than anything else. If you can afford it, go for it.

I see my current, much happier, situation as a sort of "living inheritance"

Wait for a bit. I'm now a year on from losing my Dad, and I had a 1 yr old at the time. It's so hard. I'm still struggling with work - both motivation to do anything and finding it more stressful. I think I will leave, as there are issues with the job anyway, but I don't feel ready to take on a new role yet - I just don't have the energy.

Parenting a toddler you hardly ever get a chance to switch off, and it leaves very little space for processing your grief, and it will last a long time. Just take small steps.

If the job really isn't right then move on, but don't lose sight of what you want long term because what's happening now is so difficult.

Sending hugs - it is utterly shit x

Thank you all. Just talking about it in a small way here is perhaps showing me I've not fully processed what happened.

As life returns to normal there are things I didn't expect to be as hard as they are. I now feel the responsibility of looking after relatives who are struggling for one reason or another. I feel that my place in the family has changed and it's taking some readjusting to the responsibility.

I lost my partner a couple of years ago when our daughter was 2 and felt similarly to you at various points. I took months off work after his death and only went back eventually because I would have lost the job if I didn't. I actually felt okay when I went back but then hit a wall a few months in. I manage to fudge my way through it and things got better again but it was a full year before I felt anywhere near being the employee I was before. Even now I have bad days when I simply don't function and I feel lucky I have the kind of job where I can flex my work so I accept I do nothing on a bad day and work double on the better ones. If I was for example a teacher where you just have to perform every day, I simply couldn't do it.

You are still really early days in grieving terms. I know others who have made major changes and not regretted it, but equally I am glad I didn't. I have come to appreciate my colleagues and having worked hard to get where I am, I'm glad I didn't give it all up, I think I'd regret that now. Is there scope for you to have time away from work? I really think you need an extended break to give yourself a rest. I had a very sympathetic GP who signed me off for as long as I needed. I had a near-perfect sickness record before I was bereaved so I know how hard it is to accept you are struggling and need time off, but you are in danger of running yourself into the ground.

Thank you so much. Im so sorry to hear about your dad. The acknowledgment that it is still going to be hard now helps. I feel like I had my compassionate leave and i the expectation is I should now be ok. But so many events and dates come round and bring it all back. Everything that happened happened during my maternity leave so sometimes I feel frustrated that everyone from colleagues to friends are unaware, I just withdrew for a year and tried to cope. Now I'm trying to get on with life like I did before but I'm perhaps not able to fully.

Oh I am so sorry to hear about your partner that is awful. Sending so much love to you and your partner

I think taking some time before doing anything big might be sensible. Maybe I need to talk to someone at work or somewhere. I actually am a teacher so maybe there is something in what you're saying about the added factor of performing everyday. Sometimes it helps as it takes me out of my own mind and sometimes it is just exhausting.

Were there already issues with work? Did it already cause you stress? If so, nothing wrong with changing jobs.

If the stress and frustration have only been there since your father died, I would try and ride it out while also looking for some counselling to help with your grief.

My MIL died last year. DH and I both had new jobs by early this year. The problems with our previous jobs were already there, mostly stress and workload, but MILs death acted as a catalyst to change.

DH also had counselling which has been hugely beneficial for him. Helping him begin to cope with losing his mum as well as building coping strategies for stress and so on.

I was a primary school teacher (I now do supply teaching and tutoring). My dad died very suddenly in September 2017 and it was a massive shock.
My job had always stressed me out, I never felt good enough at it, and I was struggling.
Then it got to July the next year, I was meeting with the head teacher for some bullshit thing, and just suddenly thought "fuck this". I decided I was worth more than always feeling stressed and anxious. And following dad's passing, I'd realised life was short. I quit that day. And it was the best thing I ever did.

Sometimes you need to do something drastic.
My friend lost her husband and within 6 months was living in a different country. Everyone was so worried. It's been the making of her in so many ways

I didn't change anything when I lost my husband, it took me 5/6 years before I started seeing the sunshine again. However, my mum decided to move house straight away when she lost my Dad. It gave her a new focus. I would say, be guided by your intuition, what's right for one person isn't for another.
It can't hurt to consider your options & look around for something that gives you passion? Hugs xx

I lost my mum 2 months ago and been struggling with aspects of work and considering doing something else. So valuable to hear everyone's perspectives on this.

I hand on heart think it took me 5 years to really come to terms with losing my Dad.
I struggled with work. In hindsight I think I would have been better seeking medical help at the point you are and properly looking after myself.

Op I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum last December. I wanted to echo other posters. Wait at least a year.

The last 10 months has been so up and down. There’s been times I wanted to pack up the kids and move and live in a shack and forget the world exists. Times I have felt really motivated to throw myself into my already stressful job and push for progression. Times I couldn’t even be motivated to do any work.

I wish it was acceptable to take bereavement leave, in sections. I threw myself into work when mum died. I had one day off. By the Monday my life felt so out of control, I needed work. But I was wfh and my employer was so supportive and just told me to work whenever I wanted and not when I wanted. My teams are also amazing that they kept everything ticking over. But I do feel like I needed the bereavement leave at later stages. It’s such a strange time.

It’s a really long process. Be kind to yourself, but careful too. I don’t think it’s the best time for big life changing decisions. But I wish you well.

I think @ThorsBedazzler ’s advice is sensible.

Don’t underestimate the stress and mental bandwidth it takes up to adjust to the loss of a parent - as you say, you’re reassessing your place in the world and your responsibilities, and suddenly there’s no one between you and death - it’s big, big stuff to process. I would give it some time.

Look up the analogy of PTSD stress cup - not saying you have PTSD, but the concept is that stress takes up some of your capacity to cope. www.healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.com/ptsd--stress

Maybe the question is what are your ‘good’ stressors, what are the ‘bad’ stressors, which stressors will gradually reduce with time or with help (eg the grief and existential crisis) and which ones do you need to eradicate. Only you will know what’s right for you.

I'm sorry for your loss @ohhh

I'm in a similar position. My dad passed away this summer after a superbly unfair fight against MND. Shortly after my younger sister passed away from cancer. I swing massively between, “I can do this” and “How the fuck do I get through the next 5 minutes without falling apart”. There’s no rhyme or reason as to which version will appear and the most mundane things can make me spiral off into not coping. There are some seriously big things I know I need to change in my life, losing my dad and sister has made it crystal clear these things have to change, but I’m holding off for now. I don’t trust my immediate judgement or ability to take 100% control – both things I need to have to make the changes that need to happen.

Personally, I’m giving myself breathing space. I want to run away and hide until time helps to heal me properly, but I have children so I need to safeguard their future by not totally disengaging with the world. Fortunately I have a job where my work has to go through quality gates before it affects anyone and I have an incredibly supportive team and management so work isn’t currently a massive concern even if turning up takes everything I have. They let me flex without any pressure, I know I’m fortunate to work for a decent company with decent managers. This would be much more difficult if work was a stress factor.
If it looks like your job isn’t going to be helpful in terms of letting time do it’s job, please have a chat with your lead/manager before making any decisions. It may well be the chat illuminates that you really do need to find a new direction, but it’s also possible that your employers fall on the side of decent and can help you handle what’s coming up.

Sending you the warmest unMN hugs your way💐

Thank you all so much. I've found reading different perspectives so helpful. I think I know I need to move on as there were issues before. It will be a question of deciding when. Ideally I'll wait but I'm not sure my mental health can take much longer and schools require quite a lot of notice which worries me.

Thank you x