For being angry at DH for not looking for another job

[Heatherbell1978]

DH works for a small company that has been hitting the wall since the summer - we can thank Brexit for that as it's made the business unsustainable importing into Europe. They've been bailed out a couple of times by investors but it seems pretty certain to me that it'll fold and he has no sweet redundancy package to tide him over. Our salary would half overnight and this would be a disaster.
But he's doing nothing to find a new job - he is ploughing all his time into this company as he's so bloody loyal but no time into looking around. The job market is fairly buoyant where we are and he's skilled so should attract a bit of interest but it takes time. Time he should be taking now rather than when he loses his job.
There are things we could do to tide us over - mortgage down to interest only, kids out of after school clubs etc but it would be tough. My salary is good but not enough to support our outgoings alone.
I'm getting really angry with his attitude now and panicking about the whole thing. AIBU?

Does he think there's potential for the company to weather the storm?

His first loyalty should be to his family and providing for his family. I dont know why he is flogging this dead horse. He can't afford to put his family into hardship in the current economic climate.

Given how buoyant the job market is he will probably walk straight into a new job anyway. He might as well take statutory redundancy plus new job. That would be my call.

There may also be a lot of emotion tied up in his decision and you should support him not fight against him. His decision isn’t definitely the wrong one and is probably the right one financially for the time being.

He may think the company can survive.
He may be so busy trying to turn it around he has lost track of what’s important

He will presumably get some redundancy anyway if the shit hits the fan.

I can understand how you feel: I would also find this very frustrating. But he is probably quite emotionally invested in this and is finding it tough.

Have you asked him directly what he plans to do about it?

Tell him to explore what’s out there. It is easier to get another job whilst still on a job

What's does he say his reason is? Does he think the company have a good chance of survival?

Where will a redundancy package come from if the company goes bust?

Yanbu op, he should be looking for a new job on their time, during the day instead of flogging a dead horse.

He is very emotionally invested. His work is huge to him (another long term frustration of mine). For years there was this hope that the company could be built up and then sold and that would net us a huge payment but that's all gone now so aside from his loyalty there is no reason to invest so much into it. There would be no redundancy - maybe statutory but that won't cover much.

I get how tied he is to if but I'm just more pragmatic and risk averse I guess and I've done the sums. It's a black and white scenario for me but a grey one for him.

They were speaking to insolvency practitioners the other day. When I challenge him on it I just get 'loyalty to them'.

It seems it’s pretty Certain to you they are going down but less so to him? Were they talking to the insolvency team to understand the implications so they can decide how hard to try to save this or because they are about to shut it down?

How old is he? Do you think he's scared of looking for something else and struggling?

You’re not the one working in the business, so it’s equally possible that you don’t understand as well as him all the ins and outs of what might happen.

Yes, you’re probably right that he should spend the time now looking for a new job. But he’s not necessarily wrong to hang on, see what happens then find another position.

You need to keep a handle on your own anxieties - you’ve made your opinion clear to him, presumably, so it’s all been said. Don’t flog it - pressure at home as well as pressure at work is not going to be in anyone’s best interests. He’s facing a huge identity shift, it sounds like, if his job and this company are really important to him - don’t underestimate that and be the ‘’I told you so’ voice.

Is there a half way house? He gets his CV and linked in profile up to date and has a look around to see what's currently available in his field. If there's plenty of possibility and he's ready to jump straight into job hunting, then he's in a better place just to hang on and see what happens with his current company.

Also, what's the job market like locally to you anyway? Round here retail and hospitality are all screaming out for staff, even ones that are only planning to be temporary - so he'd be able to walk into a job like that as a stop gap while he found better employment (I imagine that won't bring in as much as he currently does, but it will make the cutting back less stark).

Couple of observations

If he has worked for this company for a long time, it is incredibly “scary” throwing the towel in proactively and starting again with a new employer. Change is incredibly difficult. Right now he has no sense of a sufficiently burning platform to feel the fear of staying. Hope is an incredibly powerful emotion, so he’s in a more comfortable place hoping it will all turn out ok . I really don’t think that hope will vanish till he is told explicitly that his job is going. Once he knows that the fear of no income will be bigger than fear of starting something new, and he will start to look formwork

second point- do not underestimate how much effort, time etc goes into looking for work. If you’re doing a full days work and want a family life, trying to fit in hunting for a job and the prep work like cv, letter, on line applications , is probably just overwhelming. again without an actual burning platform it may just feel too much for him

Third point: you say he is “emotionally invested”. To many people (and IMHE tends to be more common in men) work is their whole identity. It is what supports their self esteem. If he enjoys it mostly, it is also a source of pleasure . Of course then he’ll be emotionally invested. He’ll be that way with any job he does that he likes and sticks with. It is probably what makes him good at what he does- because he cares. You are sitting on the outside - you are not going to be as invested as this isn’t your work.

I would throw this around the other way. In a partnership you both need to be prepared to switch roles and responsibilities. If you are concerned then start the ball rolling for you now, on how you can step up to bridge the gap if he is made redundant and then needs to start job hunting. Look at how you an increase your salary. Look at how much money would be a shortfall if you cut back on everything else temporarily whilst he is job hunting. Look at what benefits of any may help of he lost his job. Control what you can in meantime.

whilst an ideal person would maybe see the writing on the wall and start looking and even jump a sinking ship, he is not alone in finding that extremely difficult. Hope is an Achilles Heel to many people that makes us continue in a situation long after we should.

YANBU. I've been here. And the company my dh worked for collapsed. It was awful. I don't suppose you can force him to get another job though. I kept on and on saying what are you doing we're going to be in so much trouble if you lose your job.
The worst bit is my dh kept saying 'don't worry I'll get redundancy if that happens, which it won't'. He got statutory redundancy which was next to nothing.

We have never recovered from the loss of his salary as he's been paid less ever since.

All I did while my dh buried his head in the sand was, look for a higher paid job myself, save as much as possible to buffer the gap between jobs, and calculate how many months we had to live in the savings so I knew when to call the bank re the mortgage etc if things got to that stage. I wish you luck.

Is he worried that job hunting will tip competitors off that the company is in trouble?

Depending on his industry, looking for work is at least very easy these days, it’s simply a question of tapping the button on LinkedIn that says you are looking for work. From there, employers and agencies reach out and they do all of the running, it’s just a question of deciding which ones to interview with. It makes it much faster to find new jobs, and easy to do whilst still working.

I always found job hunting took a lot of time, so how much time does he actually have to concentrate on it?
If he’s going to work and presumably still being paid then he has to put effort into that. Then there’s commuting, housework, child rearing. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for filling in forms etc.

Thank you all - lots of great insight. I am actually looking for a promoted role where I work. Interview lined up next week and I'm hopeful. If I'm successful that will help but obviously not fill the gap. We earn around the same in professional jobs but this would take me above his current salary. I don't doubt he is struggling at the moment with the whole work identity thing and I'm trying to be patient but it's hard. Our mortgage is due for renewal in 12 months too which I'm worried about (assuming this will add about £300 at least to current payment) I'll get my financial plan in order though...

So, to be clear, you’ve had a conversation where you clearly and directly said to him everything you said in the OP and he refused to engage with any of it?

I think 'refusing to engage' would be a bit harsh but yes he knows where I stand on this. In June when the shit started hitting the fan I said he needed to start looking around and I got a bit of a "I'll get my CV updated" response but that's still the response I get now 4 months on when things are looker bleaker all the time. As previous posters have suggested I don't want to completely throw my toys out the pram with him but he also needs to step up a bit and be assertive.

So, you haven’t actually had a proper conversation about this? Why?

I’m not advising ‘throwing your toys out of the pram’, but why haven’t you sat down and said all the things in the post to your husband? You need to step up and be more assertive.

Eh? Yes we have had a proper conversation about this! Where in my posts so far have I alluded to us not. We've had many conversations about this. As I have said, his response is always loyalty to the company.

I also mentioned I have a job interview next week for a promoted role. I manage the finances. Trust me, I'm assertive. My issue is the lack of assertion in DH

I asked So, to be clear, you’ve had a conversation where you clearly and directly said to him everything you said in the OP and he refused to engage with any of it?

It’s a really straightforward question, OP. It was asked because nothing you’ve stated indicates that this conversation has happened and your response didn’t, either. ‘He knows where I stand’ and ‘I challenge him on it’ aren’t quite the same as ‘I have told him all that I’ve said here, presented him with with the numbers, stated that my salary isn’t sufficient to support us and required that we make a plan’.

If you have done the above and he’s responded with ‘loyalty to the company’, then that’s not an actual response, he’s refusing to engage and I understand your frustration. Tell him that you do not accept said lack of engagement. If you haven’t had said conversation, then that’s what you need to do.