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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu that mil & sil are asking for part of pram gift back

25 replies

Tryingtobehappyagain · 05/10/2022 22:35

My dh and I were bought a travel system pram/carseat for a present when we have birth to our DC. On first use, the top canopy clip broke as it had a defect with it, so they got it replaced, but at the same time ended up getting another complete pram sent out.. Which obviously was the company's error. This was not even noticed as an error either. It was just meant to be the canopy. This is a £500 pram that they went 50/50 on. Now we were shocked that they were doing this and was extremely grateful beyond words. It was a really lovely pram to. The canopy had to come from the new pram they sent out but they were laughing cos they were then gonna sell the rest and make the money back that they spent on getting us the gift. Nay bother. Makes sense tbh. Fast forward 4 months. Find out our sil was pregnant. They then asked for the canopy back as if it was a loan as now they are giving the other pram to the sil for their baby... Which now will leave us without a canopy. This makes the newborn part of the pram none use able. Dh asked confusingly if it was for the replacement part they got us, as the one we had was defected (trying to hint that it was a replacement item NOT a loan item due to not expecting a whole new travel system being delivered in error). They said yes and sent a picture(photo) so we wouldn't be confused. We were hoping to pass the pram down to our eldest child (my step daughter) as she is 24 and have been in a steady relationship for a few years and are hoping in the near future to try for a baby. Now we can't ... Aibu to be upset that them just wanting that part back as if it wasn't part of the original gift was a bit wrong. Is a gift no longer a gift now a days? It was a shame as it was the first gift my dh has had from his family regards any of his previous children total 4 now and it then was ruined as the sil (not knowingly) ended up taking away the whole sincerity of it.

OP posts:

phishy · 05/10/2022 22:40

YANBU. DH should tell them that that you still need the canopy, and that SIL should order a replacement.

It’s very poor for, to ask for a gift back, especially when they got a free travel system out of it too.

Lampshadered · 05/10/2022 22:40

Well SIL is pregnant now and your SD isn't so it makes sense that SIL gets the use of the pram.

Hellodarknessmyoldpal · 05/10/2022 22:43

Yanbu just tell them no as you're still using it.

FarmerRefuted · 05/10/2022 22:46

"Sorry but we're still using it".

And then when you're no longer using it "sorry, I don't have it any more".

It was a gift and they've got a cheek to ask for it back.

They got the second pram for free, they shouldn't be turning their noses up at having to buy a canopy for it. I'm sure they'll be available to purchase somewhere online.

luxxlisbon · 05/10/2022 22:47

Presumably you are don’t having children since you don’t mention using it again for others so it seems a bit unnecessary to not like SIL use the canopy when she is actually having a baby and your step daughter could easily not have a baby for years, if at all!

Cheeseballer · 05/10/2022 22:48

Well I clicked on YABA in error! Of course that isn't right or decent. How rude to ask for it back!

Feelingconfused2020 · 05/10/2022 22:49

It's rude to ask for a gift back suggesting it's a loan. I think that I would have offered it to them though assuming you are not having any more children. I put YANBU but I don't think I could get worked up about this as your step daughter isn't even pregnant. Could you ask to have it back for step daughter when she's pregnant?

I'd make it clear that you thought it was a gift not a loan and are surprised they saw it as a loan but ultimately I'd give it to them as they sound like the kind of people to be passive aggresive and make snarky comments and you don't want them making comments to your step daughter if you pass it to her.

lanthanum · 05/10/2022 22:50

Is the canopy just for use with the newborn bit? If so, perhaps your DH could explain that you're intending passing the pram on to his DD, but offer that they could borrow the canopy until it's needed? Of course I guess there's the risk they just don't give it back, but if they're reasonable they'll understand.
Alternatively, can a canopy be bought separately? Obviously there was no need to buy one when the first was defective, but buying one to go with the pram they go for free is fair enough. Or you could offer to get SIL a canopy as a present!

FurAndFeathers · 05/10/2022 22:51

Much better for you to hoard it on the off chance someone you know might get pregnant than allow an actual pregnant family member to use it!

Rachie1973 · 05/10/2022 22:55

Can’t they borrow the canopy until it’s needed again?

Original poster

Tryingtobehappyagain · 05/10/2022 23:01

We couldn't have the canopy back as literally EVERYTHING the sil & bil get it last weeks. They do not look after their stuff at all. None of the family visit the home because its just trashed. They are known for this in the family and always have been this way. Everyone talks about how they don't look after their stuff. We did end up giving it them because no joke.. EVERY MORNING we woke to a message on both our phones... "don't forget to bring the canopy round when we see you next" for TWO weeks!!! We just got fed up in the end. Ft calls were just for that reason to. Not even asking about our baby anymore.. Just the bloody canopy! My sil is only 6 weeks gone. Step daughter I think has been trying but it's just not happened yet. Our pregnancy was not planned obviously.. All our children are grown. She was the first we rang to tell just incase she was pregnant.. Then the aunt/uncle would be younger than their neice, which would be rather strange.

OP posts:

Ilovetocrochet · 05/10/2022 23:12

Although I think it’s unreasonable to ask for something back after it’s been gifted, could you see how much a new canopy would cost and buy one yourself should your step daughter get pregnant and want your old pram? It would stop the hassle and might not be too expensive.

Blowthemandown · 05/10/2022 23:16

@Tryingtobehappyagain have a look on ebay or facebook marketplace for second hand one? Contact manufacturer ?

Redfrangipani · 05/10/2022 23:27

Gifts are exactly that. When you give one you don’t get to say how it is used and where it ends up. Its been given. No longer yours. Otherwise, it’s really not a gift, is it? It’s something else.

YANBU.

If it was me though, I’d probably hand back the canopy and think ‘lessened learned’ about the ‘gift’ givers.

jazzybelle · 05/10/2022 23:42

In your first post you seem to be asking if you should give the canopy to your SIL and in the second post you've already given it to her.

Princessglittery · 05/10/2022 23:42

As a pp said try to find a second hand canopy or buy one, wrap it up and gift it.

Jellybean23 · 05/10/2022 23:48

DH has to man up and say no to his mother.

SMabbutt · 05/10/2022 23:48

Yes they were unreasonable to ask for a gift back, but then I can't help thinking that you didn't think it unreasonable for them to keep a £500 pram that was sent to them in error. The canopy belonged to you and they had no right to it. The extra pram belonged to the company and they had no right to that either. You can't condone one action and complain about the other, and it seems entirely consistent that they asked for the canopy back. Hopefully you can buy a replacement and least you won't be bombarded with emails about it now.

Arenanewbie · 05/10/2022 23:59

I can’t understand tbh it’s the second thread I’ve noticed today about grandparents demanding their gifts back to pass them to another family member. What happened to people? Can’t they understand that gifts are gifts and since they’ve gifted something the only thing they can expect back is sincere “thank you”.
Do you use the canopy now? If so, get your DH to txt them back that you need it and then tell him to remind them that it’s a gift and they are very rude to demand it back. What else next? Will they demand money for their Xmas cards to you?

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 06/10/2022 00:05

I am sure that the pram manufacturer has a "replacements/spares" section on their website. Order a replacement canopy and pay for it. Your choice as to whether to send the inlaws the old used one and keep the new one to be passed on, or whether to give the new one as a gift.

Original poster

Tryingtobehappyagain · 06/10/2022 00:37

I was wanted other people take on it as I know it really got to me and my husband. to know other people's thoughts to whether our feelings were warranted really because it still winds us up even now. Would you of given it or not?

OP posts:

Fleabea · 06/10/2022 00:57

If I have understood your post correctly, your SIL is pregnant (no baby yet) and not due for quite a while? It is therefore strange to persistently ask for the canopy now rather than closer to when baby is due. If you still need it then you need to say so and she will just have to wait to borrow it given her baby is not here and there is an actual baby in need of it.

It is odd to ask for a gift back and not something I would expect the majority of people would consider doing however if you do not need it anymore then you should let her borrow it (once you have finished with it) or alternatively buy another second hand hood to either give to her or keep for your daughter as and when she needs a pram. It is not worth falling out with a SIL over and now you will know to always be wary of any "gift" from her.

rivermanblows · 06/10/2022 01:05

YABU to ask as if you can’t decide what to do when in fact you’ve just handed it over so have already made the decision. You should have made a choice you were happy with (ie decline their request for it back)

ClaryFairchild · 06/10/2022 01:10

I wouldn't have given it. It was a gift.

ClaryFairchild · 06/10/2022 01:12

But now you know where you stand with them in the future. Be very wary of "gifts" from them. If you do get gifts from them, immediately acknowledge them by text saying "Thank you for the gift of x, that was very thoughtful" etc.

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