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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

If you want the divorce you can file for it!

48 replies

KensingtonStation · 05/10/2022 22:20

H and I are separated. Initiated by him. He is currently working his way through the Script almost word perfectly. Friends and family want me to file for divorce. I don't want to get divorced, I want to reconcile.

AIBU to think that if you choose to walk out the family home and don't want to go home again, YOU should be the the one to push it forward, not expect your spouse who does not want the divorce to go against her wishes?

Yes, I should probably just bin him off and move on. Knob that he is being currently, he was my knob, and I miss him.

OP posts:

VeridicalVagabond · 07/10/2022 10:41

Why on earth do you want to reconcile?

Tsort · 07/10/2022 10:46

KensingtonStation · 07/10/2022 10:39

I want to reconcile from the perspective of this being the man I have loved for over 20 years. I am not going to lay out all the background to how/why he moved out. I would take him back and live on peanuts.

But, if I have to divorce, I will absolutely protect myself and my kids as best I can. Other than leaving the house, he has made no moves to financially separate us.

I’ve read your previous posts. The man that you lived for 20 years doesn’t want you. He cheated on you and he left you and his children. And you’d ‘take him back and live on peanuts’? You’ve now shared your story on here multiple times, so we will ask questions and have opinions.

Is this a low self esteem thing? A fear of starting again? What’s going on here?

girlmom21 · 07/10/2022 10:47

Is a man who can do that to you really the man you think you've been living with for the last 20 years?

Orangello · 07/10/2022 10:49

No way would I want a man like that back.

But I do agree that if he wants the divorce, he might as well do the work.

Seapoint2002 · 07/10/2022 10:53

If you do decide to divorce you should do the application as it puts you in the driving seat for timings. Otherwise he could delay at every stage. If you are the petitioner he will get given deadlines he has to meet and you can then go straight to the next stage each time.

WatchoRulo · 07/10/2022 10:54

Just a practical note from my divorce. Ex initiated the divorce - choosing a Court and Lawyers in London despite none of us having any connection with the place (I think the idea was maximising return as results are a postcode lottery). This meant extra costs for me, travelling there and paying my lawyers to travel there.

Coffeehousejunkie · 07/10/2022 11:02

Hi OP, you are where I was a few months back. It’s over but your just not ready to let go. For me splitting up with him was fine it was the breakdown of my family unit which broke my heart - actually I felt someone had stomped all over it and set it on fire. My family unit was everything

He moved on quick was pushing fit a divorce was an utter cunt, floating his new gf on SM. I think he wanted me to get the rage and file and pay for the divorce. And at which point I nearly did.

BUT why the fuck should I pay? So now we have stalled. I’m working on myself, learning to like myself again and realising that actually my world doesn’t resolve around him - but me. And my my kids revolve me. I am the most important person in my new family unit.

I sent him a message on Monday asking him to push on with it . It went unanswered.

Its a process but we will get there 💐

Honeylover333 · 07/10/2022 11:05

KensingtonStation · 05/10/2022 22:31

Family and friends are against because they all think he is being too unkind to justify taking him back.

I admit to having spent months doing the pick me dance. I am now ignoring him, leaving him to it, and building a life without him, but would take him back if he wanted to come back.

Divorce is currently not in my best interests. All the legal/financial advice I have has is to sit tight and make him do it, if that is what he really wants.

I voted yabu, only because he will hurt you more and more.

WoooahNelly · 07/10/2022 11:05

I'm afraid OP that there are many ways to hide assets during divorce and the longer you wait, the less access to accurate information you will have, that's my experience anyway.

W0tnow · 07/10/2022 11:05

My mum did that. Played the long game, on her terms. It worked out massively in her favour.

Coffeehousejunkie · 07/10/2022 11:06

The funny thing is I had

‘just let go’
’ive moved on’
’ I can divorce you with out your consent anyway’

But the min I said ‘ok, let’s do it, looks like you’ve got to pay £500 to get it rolling it’s gone very quiet. I think he banked on me being so angry I’d pay for the lot myself ..

Hoppinggreen · 07/10/2022 11:08

KensingtonStation · 07/10/2022 10:39

But, if I have to divorce, I will absolutely protect myself and my kids as best I can. Other than leaving the house, he has made no moves to financially separate us.

He’s made no moves that you know of.

WoooahNelly · 07/10/2022 11:10

@Coffeehousejunkie you can get them to pay the costs...it was a checkbox on the form...although in the grand scheme of things £500 is small beer

Puppers · 07/10/2022 11:16

Is it true that he's not bothered to see his children? And you'd still have him back?

Please consider the incredibly damaging message this sends to them. My mother used to constantly take my father back despite the way he treated my siblings and I, and I was endlessly hurt that she failed to prioritise our wellbeing and stand up for us. I couldn't - and still can't - understand why his behaviour towards us didn't constitute a line in the sand or why she'd even give the time of day to someone who treated us like that. My relationship with her suffered enormously when I had my own children because I instantly understood what it was to love your child and that I'd never allow anyone - even their own dad - to treat them badly.

Circe7 · 07/10/2022 11:22

I think you’re probably not emotionally ready for divorce. At some point you may find that you really want to be separate from him and have separate finances and you’ll probably start to feel a little less raw and hurt. At that point the divorce process will probably feel very slow.

You might also get really angry at some point.

You can now apply for divorce jointly. One person still has to start the process but you don’t have to give reasons for the divorce and in theory it can be more amicable.

It’s hard to deal with finances when you’re feeling so emotional about the relationship. I’ve found that a bit of a wait between separating and divorce gave me time to process and calm down and decide what I want. Our assets have also gone up a bit in that time so like you it was slightly better financially to wait (though if you have a husband who might go on a spending spree in the meantime or hide assets there would be a risk to doing so). Also I came to a point where I wanted control of my own finances and certainty as to what I was getting. We got to a point where I was trying to save money by buying supermarket brands etc while he spent thousands on his hobbies and hotels and I didn’t want to be affected by his choices any more.

ParentallyUnprepared · 07/10/2022 11:28

Your previous threads are very sad, OP.

I hope you find the strength to move on.

IrisVersicolor · 07/10/2022 11:43

I rather agree OP, it’s clear you’re not quite ready to move on, so leave it for him to initiate divorce, unless he’s likely to file for it somewhere random and non-beneficial to you.

Btw as a Londoner I’m finding your username triggering.

KangFang · 07/10/2022 11:59

You obviously have not found your anger.
Or pride.

I would divorce this absolute tosser.

UrslaB · 07/10/2022 12:00

I can understand waiting for him to file the divorce papers for 1) financial reasons in order to get more from his savings, pension etc. if he is naive enough to be adding to them still since he left 2) to have more time in the marital and family home before being forced to sell and move elsewhere. 3) The intangible benefit of being able to say to your kids that it was their father who sodded off and who filed for divorce. Moral high ground if you will.

However, I have two issues with this. 1)There is always a real risk when waiting to file for divorce and placing the ball in the other partners court that you are allowing them enough time to hide or divest themselves of funds/assets. People spout nonsense about this being hard to do and the courts finding it...but in reality, the longer someone has to plan for a divorce (and with good/nefarious legal and/or accounting advice) then the easier it is to obscure where funds or assets went. The easier it becomes to create paper trails. As someone who left the family legal profession because I lacked the stomach for some of the shenanigans I witnessed, I can say that the dark arts of sham investments, creating the appearance of gambling addictions, falsified personal debt with a third party to be paid off and reduce supposed available income/funds/assets and even selling assets to sympathetic third parties at reduced rates to temporarily dispose of wealth while undergoing a divorce only to buy it back at the same reduced rate and recoup the full value when divorce completed are depressing realities. Even just living with a new partner, paying off ''debts,'' ''rent'' and ''utilities'' to the new partners is a common way of hiding funds in the lead up to a divorce if they savvy and are creating a legit paper trail, and the longer you let them do it the more it establishes a supposedly genuine pattern and the more cash disappears. The longer you are separated and wait for a divorce the older and more out of date your understanding of his financial situation becomes in the eyes of any future court.

The idea you would take this man back when he obviously doesn't want you, left you and has an OW on the go speaks volumes of your own lack of self-worth. Why place yourself back in a relationship with someone who in his heart doesn't want you and has treated you so appallingly. Why waste any more of your time or emotions on such a person. Live your own life.

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 13:18

Are you sure you're a Londoner? Because there is no such place as "Kensington Station".

justasking111 · 07/10/2022 13:41

If your OH is employed PAYE he's easy to trace. On the other hand if he's self employed beware.

I wouldn't rush either. I would be steaming open his post in case he stops paying mortgage etc

inheritanceshiteagain · 08/10/2022 02:38

Let him do it and pay for it too. Why should you

Testina · 08/10/2022 09:40

TheSheerCheekOfSomePeople · 07/10/2022 13:18

Are you sure you're a Londoner? Because there is no such place as "Kensington Station".

That’s your contribution? 🤣

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