To be sad my mum can never be happy for me

[Froglett10]

My mum (60s) has always suffered from depression and anxiety. I've felt responsible for making sure she's OK and worried if she's low or suicidal most of my life. These days she mainly likes talking about all her (very minor) health and mental health issues and likes wallowing in her misery. I don't feel able to have any good news because she's not really pleased for me - she only engages with my negative experiences or life complaints. If I have anything positive to share she is very dour/negative about it and is just not interested. There's also an element of envy and resentment I believe, as she feels she never had any choices as a young woman, and I have been relatively free to take what path I want in life.

It's exhausting. Im lucky that I have supportive friends and DP, but I wish I had a mum who would be pleased for me sometimes. Aibu?

Are we siblings? Lol

Big hug OP, you must realise that the negative part is most likely her depression.

Was she like this growing up?

Does she accuse you of being negative btw?

She sounds like a covert narcissist. Look it up if you’re not familiar with it…Dr Ramani has an excellent channel on YouTube that I think you’d find a real help and an eye opener. You’re not alone in having to cope with a parent like that, it’s awful, totally unfair and my heart goes out to you, it’s exhausting and it’s so sad that you didn’t get the mother you deserved. Think about taking a step back maybe because you will never be able to do enough to make her happy. I hope some of the information on that channel gives you some comfort knowing that you’re not alone. It really helped me see what was going on with my parent.

@jays I'm very familiar with Dr Ramani haha. I have wondered if she has narcissistic traits.

@ComebackQueen Yes she's always been like this. She doesn't accuse me of being negative. She never says anything bad to me as such, or criticises me, she's never nasty. She just sort of ignores/dismisses anything I achieve or anything good that happens. And simple things like telling her I'm going on a nice holiday, she'll just be like 'Oh right. That's nice.' And never ask me anything about it or mention it again! But if I don't ask her for all the full details about her latest round of investigations into her acid reflux, she gets upset.

I have the same except she's only like it with me, not my brother and sister. A lot of resentment I think

@endlesscraziness Yes! She is not like it at all with my brother. Every breath he takes is wonderful!

I can also relate to this (and also thought you were my sibling).

Understood, seeing your subsequent posts, she’s only this way to you and not the prodigal son.

Personally I would try to politely broach this subject, if she doesn’t want to have a Frank and honest discussion, unfortunately I would start limiting my interaction.

It isn’t nice to feel this way, it’s taking it’s toll on you, evidently.

perhaps suggest an afternoon where you put health topics aside and maybe do a girlie lunch or afternoon tea and ban certain topics of discussion.

What are her interests? Do you have any shared hobbies or interests you could do together?

Mine is the same. I think it’s because she has no self-esteem and chooses as a result (unconsciously) to surround herself with people who are ill, unlucky or unhappy because they ‘need’ her. As a result, she associates bad things happening to others with being needed, and associates good things happening to others with not being needed/being excluded because there’s no helper-role for her. For her, happy, lucky, successful, popular, fulfilled people have no reason to need her, so she feels excluded by positive events in others’ lives. She’s only interested in me when I’m unwell or struggling. If I call her with good news,I can feel her tuning out and actually being hostile. She once interrupted me telling her I’d just got a job I wanted to tell me about the cancer diagnosis of someone I’d never met.

@LoupsGarous That's rubbish. I think there's some truth in surrounding themselves with people in trouble/miserable people. She tries to fix all these people's problems when she should really just sort out her own.

And I recently got a new job and that's a good way of describing her attitude towards it - hostile. Weird isn't it.

@ComebackQueen I'm worried about raising it directly with her because she will likely descend into a MH crisis, all about how she must be a terrible mum etc etc. I just grit my teeth and bear it.

We have shared interests but these days she spends most of her time in bed. She's too ill with acid reflux and IBS to go anywhere.