To feel guilty I can't fix this?

[BarbaraStan]

It's long, sorry.

DF is crippled with anxiety and depression. He's just existing right now and needs constant care.

DM is providing that care. It's a huge burden for her, and really frustrating. She doesn't have a good understanding of mental illness or much patience and can't understand why DF doesn't just 'snap out of it'. Obviously she's incredibly stressed and overwhelmed, making her very bitter and resentful. She's very vocal about this, so i try very hard to support her as much as possible. She definitely relies on me as her emotional crutch to vent, cry, shout and delegate when she feels she can't cope. I'm really trying to be supportive but it's incredibly wearing. I have 2 small children and my partner works away a lot so it's just me. It seems the more I do, the more is delegated to me. For example, when my DF was in hospital, I had to take over all the liasing with medical staff because she couldn't deal with it anymore, although she still wanted daily updates and what I did was never right.

It doesn't help that she is dependent on pain medication, which can make her very aggressive and agitated. Particularly when she's over medicated, she will tell me how she's all alone, noone helps her and threatens suicide. She also tells our wider family how alone she is and needs more support, so I have them telling me I should be helping more.

I feel like I'm living on the edge, waiting for one or both of them to do something awful. I dread every message and phone call and visiting them makes me incredibly anxious.
At the same time I feel really guilty that DM is having such a crappy time. She doesn't have any friends or social life, she's just miserable. She uses me as support but I still do have a life of my own, so I feel like should support her with whatever she needs.

Is your DF suffering from anxiety and depression caused by the effects of living with your difficult-sounding mother?

I’m really sorry, it sound very tough. What boundaries can you put in for dealing with her? Can you signpost her to other sources of help - charities that have support groups etc, her GP.

How old are they?

Unfortunately, there is little you can do and I understand the guilt.

Sounds like your mother needs support for her own mental health. Would see consider seeking it?

Maybe join a support group for carers? It’s can’t be easy caring for someone when you have you own health issues, especially when it’s taken over your life.

Is your dad getting any support aside from medication?

But it’s not fair for her to put more and more on you. You need to have your own boundaries in place, but that brings guilt too.

I am so sorry, it’s so difficult. I remember me, mum and her sisters caring for my grandad it was so stressful and worrying. It really takes it toll.

YANBU to feel guilty but you should try not to. Rationalise why you feel guilty. You are already doing more than enough.

It was your parents choice to have you and you shouldn’t be held responsible for their well-being or happiness. Think about your 2 small children- would you want them to feel like this in 30 years? You need to put yourself first as it doesn’t sound like your parents are respecting your emotional needs. You cannot pour from an empty cup and your children need to be your priority- they are the ones you are responsible for, not your parents.

I would work on setting and maintaining boundaries with your parents based solely on what you want to and feel comfortable doing for them, and if you can carve out some time to get some counselling I think that could be really valuable.

I have a fear-obligation-guilt relationship with my own parents and I’m trying to break the pattern, it’s not easy but I think it will be so worth it for my emotional well-being.

Your parents are responsible for themselves.

They both sound as though they are happy to take as much as they possibly can, without a care for anyone else.

I would seriously draw back. They will cope because they have too (although they will do their very best to have you believe that they need you).

Some people cannot be helped because they

Thanks for the replies. I know caring for parents is something a lot of people deal with, which is another reason I feel like I shouldn't be whining about it. Parents seem to have a special knack of making you feel extra guilty though!

Regarding support groups and mental health support for herself, DM won't have it. Ironically she 'doesn't see what good it would do' despite her fighting really hard to get similar support for DF. She doesn't see the parallels between them at all. I've tried raising it with her but get shut down pretty fast.

Guilt in family relationships is so common.

From an outsider perspective, without any context, it sounds like your parents have lived a life of bad habits and poor mental health. Your mum undoubtedly has a tough home life, but she's also acting like a martyr and self-pitying. Perhaps, in a perverse way she feels content where she's at. Wallowing on about her seemingly crap life but doing nothing to improve it. Unfortunately that can be a symptom of depression too.

You can't fix this. You can provide support but you need to make sure, the best you can anyway, that this cycle of poor mental health stops with your mum. In order to do that, you need to have better boundaries and realise that the responsibility for her health and your dad's, lies with themselves.

If you felt rubbish, would you think it's your mum's job to make you feel better? Sure you'd want a listening ear and some encouragement, but you wouldn't keep on at them making them feel bad. So they shouldn't either.

I would highly suggest seeking a therapist who can help you work to put boundaries in place and to help you cut the guilt cord.

You love your parents, of course. You want them to feel happy. But that's on them, not you. Your job is to be as happy as you can be for the sake of your children and marriage.

All the best ❤️

Oh that sounds terrible OP, but I think while your DF may have depression and crippling anxiety, your DM sounds like she also is experiencing severe depression herself.

It’s probably why she thinks DF should “just snap out of it” because I think actually her depression is just as bad as his but everyones assuming she can just get on with it and be a carer for DF. I wouldn’t assume over-medication for chronic pain is causing the outbursts and suicidal ideation. She’s falling apart too.

I’m saddened to read your wider family is just ignoring her pleas for help and pushing it all back on to you. This is not fair. Is there any possibility you can call a family meeting (even by video) and discuss the situation. Your DM is not mentally well enough to care for your DF, and they probably need some kind of assessment done by social services. Your wider family needs to step up, it can’t all be left to you. You have to be clear with the wider family on what you can and cannot do.

Your DM may be able to feel she can access MH care for herself when she’s not “the carer” any more. Don’t feel guilty btw. The situation has just gotten to be more than you can reasonably handle by yourself.