To think I can’t escape it

[Song6]

I had a traumatic childhood - abusive stepdad between the age of 5-9. He was also violent towards my mum who tries to take her life twice. My mum left him when I was 9. Since then, despite being bullied at school (and the university), I left home to go to uni, met a lovely man, qualified as a midwife, had 2 lovely children and got married.
I just feel like sometimes I’m fine and other times it’s a struggle. I always wonder what I did wrong to make my stepdad hate me so much and when I’m having a bad days I honestly feel like I’d be better off dead and my family would be better off without me.
I’ve had therapy which wasn’t particularly helpful and I’m on sertraline which definitely helps with my anxiety and stops me wanting to kill myself every few weeks but I feel like I’m never going to escape this feeling that I must have done something to deserve what happened to me and I’m never going to escape this feeling of dread and despair, and I feel like people with a normal, happy childhood will never understand what a struggle everyday is.

Childhood trauma is horrible OP, you have my sympathy. It's such a struggle having to fight your own brain just to feel OK.

One thing you mentioned is the feeling like you want to kill yourself every few weeks - does this line up with your menstrual cycle at all? I was having awful depressive episodes, worse than anything I've known, and then realised it was always the week before my period. I track with an app now and I find it incredibly helpful, when I feel that awful blackness rising up, to check the app, see "7 days to period", and have a lightbulb "ooooh" moment - makes it so much easier to manage the horrible feelings knowing they are heightened, and it will pass off in x days time. Stops me going down the road of believing the horrible self talk etc. Doesn't "fix it" but helps so much to manage it. Just an idea.

Every day you're happy is a triumph against the fate cut out for you by your upbringing. You've done amazingly, you have love and you do amazing work helping people, saving lives. The world is NOT better off without you. Hang on in there ❤️

I'd retry therapy. Something longer term like scheme therapy or psychotherapy.
Were they alcoholics? You could try ACA?
Healing from dysfunctional families and abusive behavior is a massive effort. I've had 8 years of therapy and I'll never fully manage it. But I'm SO much better than I was.

Be kind to yourself - you went through something awful, of course it’s still going to effect you.

imagine seeing a little girl on the street tomorrow. A man comes up and starts shouting at her, telling her she’s useless, hits her. Would you think “i wonder what she did to deserve that?” Or would you think “you fucked up abusive arsehole, leave her alone, she’s just a child!” You wouldn’t blame that little girl. Go easier on little you.