Annoyed at my mum's blaming style

[momana]

Whenever she upsets me or oversteps, she can never own up to it and turns it around on me being weird and taking everything personally.

Example :

She's put so much pressure on me and my DD for potty training, since DD was very young. She's always saying ' it's about time she learns ' ' she needs to finally learn '... she's been saying that since she was 18 months. I've slowly tried to train her, but she's just not getting it, so I'm going to give her a bit more time and try again. DD holds her pee in and could give herself an infection. I've been very upset about it and stressed and my mum knows. Today I wasn't having a good day and she started asking me about it again ( even though she knows we are having a break ). When are you going to do it ? She needs to learn. So I said, I'm not going to try again for a little while, as I think if I try again too soon, it will not work again. My mum says ' you can't think like that, you have to think it will work '... it really annoyed me. I can't think the situation better. She needs a bit more time, end of story. She then started having a go about the fact she still has a dummy at night ( she's two and a half ) and I just lost it.

I told her to please mind her own business and stay out of it. Then she blames me for being strange, overly sensitive and she will ' never say anything ever again '. It really annoys me how she turns it back on me again.

I feel like she's been doing it my whole life and I find it hard to know it my feelings are valid in all sorts of situations in life. I think it's really damaging.

rant over.

You need to be assertive. How you bring up your DC is nothing to do with her. The same with potty training. No need to be rude, just ‘I’m doing it my way, thanks’. The same with any future decisions. Point out that times have changed since she had young children. Ignore any childish protestations.

She is a bully, interfering and opinionated. Keep your distance for now. My mother thought her opinion should be listened to at all times, then it got to the point I went NC. Ignore your mother she will get the message.

Mum things have changed since you had me current advice is we wait for the child to be ready I've read the nhs advice which says normally around 30 to 36 months when she's showing the signs they list ill try again.
She now only has a bed time dummy I have a plan on when we're going to stop it.

Oh that’s my MIL and FIL! One is almost certainly a narcissist, the other is the flying monkey, their ability to DARVO is legendary!
They are also drama tourists/grief tourists who love to shit stir. We have had these exact conversations many times since DC1 was 8 weeks old.
I don’t think you can win with people like this.
I grey rock them. Which is to say I don’t communicate with them directly at all except in person and DH grey rocks them.

I have a mother that can never admit she’s done something wrong. Does this kind of thing non stop. Find a way to just stop engaging with her on the things and topics you know will likely cause these conversations. Just say, I’m not discussing this with you. Whatever she responds, don’t listen or indulge it. It’s not your issue, it’s hers. You’ll have a lifetime of drama and angst if you let it keep going like this now.

She's only 2 and a half! Try let it go over your head OP, that is infuriating!

You’re responses are entirely valid. How often do you see her? I think you need to protect your DD from your DM’s judgement.

It might be useful to have a standard sentence for those times and just roll it out when necessary. No engagement with what she is saying, just the sentence. Something like "I don't want to discuss this, I am not finding it helpful".

Your Mother seems to be a pushy bully. When she says things like, "never say anything ever again", look her dead in the eye and tell her, maybe that would be best for now as Mother, you are not up with the current knowledge on this subject. No sorry, mom" statement or eyes. Make firm eye contact and let her know you mean it. Don't waffle on this or she will never get off your butt and let you parent your way. She is a pushy bitch so treat her with a firm hand. Be strong, it is for your kids and your family.

My mum never admits she's wrong but she's my mum and she makes mistakes always out of love. So do I. The longer I'm a parent the more I let go of the idea she needs to be perfect and realise how difficult it is to be a mum. She's being a pain it sounds like and overadvising with her 'greater wisdom'. But she's right about the - you are being sensitive - I would just let this one slide as an older generation thing. You can just say thanks but I'm not doing it that way, things have changed, and move on.

My daughter wasn’t potty ‘trained’ until she was 3.5 and I just waited until she was ready.

’Thanks mum but I’m going with the flow on this one’ - change subject.