Please help me I'm at breaking point with overthinking

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About 6 years ago I went through a time where I was bicurious and wondered about experimenting (I was single). I talked to some people on dating sites but nothing ever happened and then I just stopped really. I have only ever been interested and had feelings for men IRL. It's something I've very occasionally thought of in my head but that's all.
Anyway a few months back for whatever reason this time 6 years ago popped into my head and then it was all I could think about. And then for some reason my brain convinced me that I was a lesbian, which is ridiculous. It just came out of nowhere, my brain convinced myself that I wasn't actually attracted to men at all and that I'd have to come out. Also started feeling awkward around women constantly and couldn't even look at pictures of women, even felt funny around my partner's sister. It all just came out of nowhere and has never happened before in my life.
It happened on and off for about 2 months and has completely stopped now. I didn't do anything to make it stop but it just did. It absolutely terrified me. I don't understand it.

I'm going through something else now in which my brain is trying to convince me that I'm not in love with my partner of a few years. I know that I am, I still get some feelings of jealousy, I'm still attracted to him and enjoy intercourse, I still want to be affectionate with him and we had an argument a couple of weeks back which made me terrified of losing him.
However once again these obsessive thoughts just sprung out of nowhere. I know I do love him and I literally have no reason why I would want to break up. I see it on here sometimes but they always have a reason, like they're bored or something, but I'm not bored in the slightest.
Anyway these thoughts haunt my mind day and night and sleep is my only freedom. When I'm with him I feel better and distracted but the thoughts come back when I'm alone. It's like someone's taken over my mind. I keep questioning the love I have and hearing thoughts that I don't want to.
This has happened a few months back, it went away but occasionally comes back and I'm currently having a bad couple of days. Obviously I cannot tell him about this.
Who can help me, I feel like I've got some sort of mental illness.
I'm at breaking point and can't go on like this anymore. Has anyone else had this? I just want to be happy again like I was before.

That's sounds really tough OP.

The obvious answer - that you have some mh issues around obsessive thoughts/anxiety- would be worth exploring no?

Therapy seems either expensive or has a long waiting list. Would antidepressants help? I'm always stressed about money, I'm looking for a new job and I don't have many friends so this doesn't help

Sounds upsetting, sorry you're having these thoughts. Not an expert at all but sounds like intrusive thoughts, often linked to other things like anxiety etc. I've had them and they are horrible. After my daughter was born I had really bad intrusive thoughts. I'd speak to your GP about it.

Thanks for your understanding. I'm scared I'll do something terrible like break up even though I know that I don't want to. I'll ring my gp tomorrow

Mind - Pure O

If you never heard of the Pure O type of OCD, taking a look into this may help you. Obviously wouldnt want to armchair diagnose but it may be helpful and a starting point for talking to your GP. I hope you get the help you need and find some peace 💐

You're talking about it and making moves to help yourself, that's the best thing you can do. Good luck and be kind to yourself

Thank you

I really hope I can be helped

These sound like intrusive thoughts. Just ignore them and they'll go away. I don't mean that to sound blasé.

Sometimes they do but they always come back. I'll keep trying though and not give up hope.

It's anxiety telling you lies. My brain can do the same and it's worse when I'm stressed or a bit low. Medication helps me enormously.

Thank you, can i ask what sort of medication you take?

I wouldnt fixate on the content of these disturbing thoughts.

Instead i'd focus on how to turn off the "mental noise". You can research this online really easily. It is very common to have obsessive/OCD looping in your internal monologue and to find this very upsetting - that debate between the rational part of your mind that is "me", and the unconscious part of your mind that is also "me" can be hard to shut up or control. Maybe your unconscious mind is giving you some worst-case scenarios based on your anxiety about things going wrong in your (generally healthy) relationship. Things are going fine, but you have some anxiety about screwing things up. With no obvious reason WHY you might screw things up, your unconscious mind says "well, you might be bi or lesbian, that would mess it all up wouldn't it?" And here you are obsessing about it. That's hugely simplified but I think it's a possibility.

It may also do you some good to research female fantasies of all shapes and sizes. it is possible to fantasise about being bi without ever needing to act out the fantasy IRL. In some situations it might even be a positive experience to share the fantasy with your partner, perhaps if you did that it would "exorcise the demon"? Keep it very generic and leave out the part about your partner's sister though!

Hi, what meds help you?

When I went through that curious phase several years ago I remember feeling really seedy and ashamed in a way even though I was doing nothing wrong, I felt like i had to keep it secret. So i think that element of shame popped back into my mind

I'm sorry your going through this, it's exhausting isn't it? I've been there so many times in my life and I have to say medication helps but it's difficult to find one that remains helpful and doesn't have too many side effects. I've found Sertraline helpful but then after 18 months it stopped working. I'm now trying different meds but I'm also going to get some Cognitive Beahavioural Therapy. Hopefully that will help.
I wanted to thank you for posting, because until just now I didn't realise those intrusive thoughts were actually part of my illness. I also almost split up with my husband but I'm so glad I didn't. Things are really good between us now, so I'd suggest you hang in there.
I hope you find a solution that works for you ❤️

Sounds like relationship OCD

I have never tried this personally, but you could have a look at online therapy. Betterhelp.com gets good reviews. It’s a lot cheaper than face to face.

Fluoxetine and Citalopram anti-depressants can help with obsessive thoughts, they just sort of make it easier for your brain to dismiss them as non-usual thoughts.

DD suffers with this, intrusive thoughts and OCD. She manages hers with Fluoxetine and counselling.

It peaks and troughs but when she is struggling it exhausts her, and exhausts me as her support as she constantly needs to be reassured it’s irrational and these thoughts are not real. It can control her completely sometimes.

She is currently well but it can flare up for no reason.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, you’re not alone.

Firstly: Of course you can get help, you can be helped, but it's all about realising that it's not just you. There are many of us who have gone or are going through or will go through exactly the same thought patterns (albeit for different reasons).
Secondly: Overthinking sucks big balls frankly. The drugs themselves will not fix anything but will most definately help you, give you the pause button (or at least slow down) on your brain to then work on the real issues. Speak to your GP. If they are useless speak to another GP in the practice. They will be able to help you with narrowing down the drugs which could help you.

For me, my issues are basically OCD, obsessive thoughts and obsessive images in my head, which keep coming back. It's effectively from PTSD from when I was a child but the images and thoughts aren't related at all to that. I can't tell you which drugs work because not all the drugs act the same on all people. In my close family and freinds group then most take citalapram and some take setraline but that's what they've agreed to with their doctor.
You may find that getting some CBT would be most helpful in the long term, google NHS talking therapy as a start. I wish It existed when I started this route. It's not perfect but it will help you. Especially if you are wanting to change, and happy to see it as an experiment to help get yourself to be a person who suffers less with the issues at hand.

I take 40mg of citalopram daily, plus 40mg of propananol as and when I need it.

There is an excellent series of book s all called Overcoming. e.g Overcoming anxiety. Our local library had a copy and the MH nurse in th GP also recommended them.

You poor thing. It sounds like intrusive thoughts.
i get it a lot. When I was pregnant I convinced myself my baby might not be her dads, even though rationally I knew I had not so much as kissed someone else. I regularly convince myself of horrible situations it’s a horrible way to live. I try to rationalise but the thoughts can be very over powering x

I struggled with this (the feeling like you don't love your partner) previously. It was linked to depression and anxiety at the time. I told my partner and he was ok with it. He would actively remind me why we worked and just gave me time. It did pass.

I now have other, less bothersome, intrusive thoughts. Certain topics trigger me and when I'm anxious it really changes my mood.

Lately I've been wondering if I may have autism. For more reasons than this, but the intrusive thoughts are one of the things that make me wonder.

If I was you, I would visit the GP. Low level antidepressants may take the edge off.