Would you say this is a good time to get engaged

[Frurt]

If you've lived together for approx 2 years, together just under 3 years, he's late 20s I'm early 30s. Do you think almost 3 years together is long enough?

Totally different for everyone. DP and I discussed getting married 2 months in which most people thought was crazy, but we both just knew quite quickly that that's what we wanted. You'll both know when the time is right.

If you haven't had an open conversation with him about it and your future together then it's definitely not the right time. If he says he's not ready you have to respect that. That doesn't mean you have to stay with him. You need to discuss it and decide whether his plans for the future tie in with yours. If you feel like he's just stringing you a long and has no plans to commit, walk away.

There's no 'right' or 'wrong' time. They'll be stories of those who got together, moved in, engaged and married in the space of the year. Others who waited years to get engaged, and then married, who divorce the year after.

I think you can be ready for engagement, while still not quite ready for marriage, but definitely with a shared aim of getting there.

I'd certainly have discussions on marriage, your future together and what they see as the next step in your relationship.

In terms of how long to wait...its only really a question you can answer. We actually got engaged about the 5 year mark, but not married until 5 years after that. But I think we were making progress in our relationship in other ways - we saved for, and bought a house, had a year relishing in that, then covid before we got married.

You can't set a timeline as such, but its a feeling I think. It might be a couple of years but you'll feel if you and your partner are still growing or if one/both of you have stagnated and are showing no signs of making any further commitments.

Personally I was ready to propose to my DP myself after 5 years if he hadn't already. I think it was about 5.5 years when he proposed though so i didn't have to.

Well, I was engaged after a year together and living together for six months and got married a year after that, but we both knew we were on the same page from very early on. We were in our mid-20s at the time.

If you haven't had those discussions yet, you should.

I would not marry before being together for longer. I wish someone would have told me. Try to see your partner in different situations. Make sure he has what is important to you. Mine wanted a big house and is useless at keeping it. Also, do not like to hire help for repairs so it is the day to day that became a nightmare. Things like money or holidays you need to be very aligned. Mine used to travel and now says he does not like it. Those things that are important to live with someone and share your life are essential and two years together may be not long.

The question for you both is really whether you want children. That has a sharp biological timeline. If yes, then marriage is one thing you can do prior to having kids to protect you financially. If yes to kids, realistically you want to start trying soon.

If no to kids, you have a lot more time to play with and can set a rougher timeline, allowing time for "readiness" and stereotypical romance

I get where you're coming from OP & especially if you're the older one in the relationship. I felt similar before dh & I were married & especially if you want children etc

We started going out when I was 29 & he was 26. We both knew pretty much straight away that it was different & we were committed

When we met I was living in a city 300km away from him but about 6 mathssteeca job opportunity came up where he lived. I went for the interview & got the job!

I 'temporarily' moved in with him.(the plan being until I found my own place ) & never left.

After 2 years together I started to get a bit anxious about our long term plans - by now I was 31 & starting to feel conscious of time passing etc

Things were going so well between us & we were really happy together. We were heading to Paris on holidays & I sort of wondered IF he might propose while we were there. The night before we left we met good friends for drinks & they announced they were getting married so it turned into a celebration & the whole night was spent talking about their plans to be married 6 months later. I felt huge pangs of envy

On holidays, one night after dinner & drinks (not the finest moment to initiate a conversation of its nature perhaps) I brought the conversation round to friends wedding & how great it was & did he see similar for us. He tried to steer the conversation away from that subject which was a bit of a shock to me as in my less than sober state I interpreted it as meaning he didn't want to marry me. Cue tears & a weird late night row walking through the beautiful streets of Paris

He eventually revealed that he absolutely wanted to marry me & had been planning to bring it up on the trip but friends announcement the night before leaving had thrown him & he didn't want to overshadow their special moment. Plus he had it in his head that he wanted it to be a romantic surprise & that talking about it was wrong or not the done thing. He comes from a very fractured family with no experience of marriage & his point of reference were films etc

We cleared the air & any misunderstandings & realised we were both on the same page & that it was important for him to plan his proposal as he wanted to for it to feel like he'd dome it the right way in his mind. And he understood that at 31 I needed to have some sense of where we were heading because if we wanted children then time was of importance. It was a conversation (& tears) worth having!

When I was 32 he proposed. While I broadly knew from that conversation in Paris that we were on that track I had no idea when it would happen. It was really important to him.that he would ask me formally & he did such a beautiful job & had a ring made etc. Its one of my best memories

We got married when I was 33 & he was 30. And we had a baby when I was 35.

I think you need to speak to him OP. I know is scary in case he doesn't want it but I think its better to know either way as otherwise you're in limbo & it's agonising

Good luck I hope it all works out for you!

I was married after 18 months.

The real issue is obviously that you want be married and it has never been discussed.

You need to be able to bring up any wants or needs with a partner, if anyone can’t express how they feel or their wants then it’s a relationship with a poor chance of success. Communication is the key to a long lasting relationship.

I will never understand the concept that a couple are committed enough to enter into a binding financial commitment to rent or buy a home but aren't committed enough to marry. I owned my own home in my 20s my golden rule was that no man would share it unless they were prepared to marry me.

DH and I knew instantly and never spent a night apart from our 2nd date but we maintained our own establishments until the wedding. Engaged after 18 months, married 6 months later. 32 years ago. We were 31/30.

I appreciate things are different now but they also seem so much more complicated.

When you want to start planning the wedding. It's all a bit pointless otherwise.

You wait as many years as you can afford to waste, I am afraid :(
Your situation looks like a '2year-itch', when one of you start wondering where your relationship is going and the other is 'not ready'.

It seems to me that the longest marriages came when people got engaged fairly early (within a couple of years?) and married soon thereafter.

I think if you're not sure you want to marry after 3 years, you don't want to marry

Totally agree with Roses ... and we are probably of a similar age. I cannot imagine moving in with a boyfriend without a serious discussion about our future together. It sounds old fashioned but too many people seem to drift into 'living together' as a convenience rather than making a commitment to each other.

Do you want kids? If you want kids I wouldn't be hanging around in my early thirties with someone who seems unsure.

I got engaged to my late DH within 3 months of meeting him, and married him 18 months later. We only waited that long to get married because we had a baby in between. We were happy for 20 years. But the chap I'm with now, we've been together 8 months and I wouldn't consider getting engaged to him yet.

@NegroniLover that is a lovely story, you sound very happy :)

Don't assume he understands there is a timeline if you both want children.
The amount of women I know, myself included, who had to tell men in late twenties early thirties that talking about "our children" in the future meant being ready to start trying in a year or two if they wanted more than one is a lot!
In my case I spelled out that marriage came before children for me, obviously that may not be relevant for you.

If you're able to discuss subjects like this freely and openly, than I would not be considering engagement at all.

Try talking to him about it for a start...

It doesn’t matter what we think. The only people who get a say in this are you and him. You need to have a proper, grown-up conversation about it.

We waited 5 years to get engaged, at the start I was thinking oh my goodness this is ages does he really like me but on thinking about it he was always amazing and we had a great relationship.
11 years later (10 married) I’m glad he didn’t propose sooner as we were both sure at the time and had enough money for the wedding we wanted, time to take our careers in the direction we wanted and to buy a house together.

I now see that I was being dragged by some Hollywood notion of when people propose and what it means.

I’m very much into the open lines of communication and talking about finance and future because it is much more important that how/when it happens. I think too many people end up married to others who they aren’t really compatible with (living/life plans) because they get sucked into the Hollywood timeline and romance rather than thinking carefully about a life together.

You need to ask him does he want to be married an engagement means nothing if you are not planning a wedding.If you want children does he?You need to really ask before making a decision.Are you buying a house together now?Are you financially stable.Lots of questions.If marriage and children are important to you you be barking up the wrong tree with him Good luck but do it soon.

If you want kids, you need to be asking if he sees you getting married and having kids and the biological time limit for you. Don't waste time waiting for him because if he isn't on that same page, you don't have long to find someone who is.

If you don't want kids, you have a lot longer to decide if he measures up to your requirements and vice versa.

Oh and having decided quite early on things were very serious, there was no staged proposal. We were at a dance and wandered out to sit in the gardens and he just said "will you marry me?". We got the ring afterwards.

@EscapeRoomToTheSun thank you. We are very happy. And 19 years married now