Staying now I realise it's affecting my child

[JokeOfALife]

My marriage is not perfect, there isn't any affection and we just sort of get on with it. There is a lot of built up resentment, combined with no sex life, separate rooms. There are very young children, 3 and a baby, to worry about. My son (3) asked me today why mummy doesn't love daddy, if daddy loves mummy and why isn't mummy happy. My heart just sunk, I didn't think he knew. I thought we kept it all together in front of them. I can't cope on my own with two this little. I can't afford to leave. We can't afford two households. But how unreasonable would I be to stay now I have proof he is affected?

It sounds like a tough couple of years with small kids. Do you think there's anything there worth saving? Maybe with some help? If both of you are willing maybe you can find a way to reconnect.

It sounds tough but don't convince yourself you can't cope.

You're stronger than you think.

Sounds like your husband has said that to your 3 year old tbh.... A 3 year old wouldn't pick up on that unless you were constantly arguing with or saying horrible things to your husband in front of them.

I think in your shoes I would be wondering where a 3yo had picked up those phrases. Especially if this isn't something you've discussed with, or in front of him.

In my experience children always know. Sensitive as radar most will certainly pick up on the aspect of mummy being unhappy.

presumably this hasn’t been going on very long if you have a young baby? Do you feel it is repairable?

That sounds very much like those are your husbands words. I have niblings rather than kids, but I can't imagine any of them having this thought process themselves at three: if daddy loves mummy and why isn't mummy happy.
To me that would be a very strong reason to leave in itself.

I second this.

These don't sound like the words of a 3 year old who hasn't seen his parents argue or fall out. I would be wondering whether he had been coached to ask these questions.

I think any child can pick up on the general tension if either parent isn't happy. But I seriously doubt a 3 year old would figure out all by themselves that "Daddy loves Mummy, but Mummy doesn't love Daddy and isn't happy" Sorry, but I call bullshit. If a 3yo came out with that, he's been fed it from someone.

I'm with the others.
I think that a 3yo can work out mummy doesn't love daddy. However I'm dubious why he thinks daddy loves mummy and mummy is unhappy. If you're masking he probably sees you smiling and laughing which to a 3yo would mean mummy is happy.

Agreed.

I was thinking this, it's either very sudden or you chose to bring another baby into a loveless marriage? If it's the former then I would certainly contemplate marriage counselling and see if things can be saved, especially seeing as you dont feel like its possible to leave. If its the latter then there is a slight element of you reap what you sow.
Either way dont convince yourself that you have to stay, look at what you might be entitled to benefit wise to initially get yourself sorted and then look at getting a job sorted, you might be surprised at what you are entitled to with 2 small children.

Oh I definitely would not put it past my husband to make comments to my child that nasty mummy doesn't love him. He's done it before and I've had to tell him a couple of times to not talk through a toddler to me. It hasn't happened lately but I don't know what he says when I'm not around.

Yes, I agree with the above posts. This sounds like he has heard those phrases unless your behaviour towards each other is worth than you’re remembering.
Tine for a conversation this evening - I’d ask DH why he thinks DS has said that. I think you’ll be able to tell if he genuinely doesn’t know - or actually does.

I have a 3 year old and there’s no way she can say something like that. Like what does she know, even for older kids in a home where parents are not fighting and everything seem amicable, I don’t know how they will word their sentence like that. Either that didn’t happen or someone fed them that sentence.

Band aid baby, I guess. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

This would be enough for me to find a way to end it. It's not fair on your children to be used as his pawns.

Cross posted before with your response - there you go. I would hit the roof, to be honest. He is upsetting your child.
It sounds like he isn’t happy with this muddling along but isn’t ready to tell you himself. Either you end it or you need to establish a way of getting along that never involves him drawing your kids into it.

Yeah, I'd say that your husband said that. To be honest, a lot of parents of 2 kids including a baby are a bit stretched and spend more time with the kids than each other because it can be pretty full on. Unless there is a really hostile vibe/shouting/violence, I doubt a very young kid would notice having two parents that gave them a lot of love but were just civil to one another until later on and it would be very unusual for a young child to notice that daddy loves mummy and mummy doesn't love daddy.

Ultimately, however, in the long term, your kids will notice and you need to think about that.

I would send the kids elsewhere and read your husband the riot act. I would absolutely lose my shit with my husband if he was saying stuff like that to the kids.

And I agree with everyone else. Children are fundamentally self-centred so if you're happy and smiley around them, and behave civilly to each other, they're unlikely to pick up on any deeper issues.

But spouting stuff like 'nasty mummy doesn't love me' to a 3 year old...yeah, I couldn't come back from that. Regardless of what is going on between you as adults, both of you are responsible for making your DC feel as secure as possible and, if he's actually saying this, he's deliberately undermining that.

Do you have any desire to save your marriage? It's ok to not have.