To think they don’t really want to be friends?

[Aelathehuntress]

I’ve a lifelong friend. Before covid we would see each other often but our kids didn’t really get on. Covid happened & meet ups stopped. Since then whenever I text she leaves it unread on WhatsApp (or text I’ve tried texting too)for days or weeks before sending a basic reply, but sometimes just ignores it.She is very careful to leave those ticks grey but it says at the top when she last looked at WhatsApp so I know she is choosing not to click on it. If I ask how she is, what she’s been up to she never replies or tells me anything about her life. If I suggest meeting up she will never give me a date. But then she confuses me by sending flowers through the post & overblown gestures. Just when I think the friendship is dead, she will do something nice like the flowers etc. Am I being unreasonable to think she doesn’t really want to be friends & the flowers are just to put on a front of being a friend? Would you continue trying to be this persons friend or leave it? Would you send a text asking why they never reply? I just want some other perspectives. Thanks in advance.

I would tex something like . Are we ok ? I’ve tried reaching out to you so many times because I value our friendship but I’m struggling to continue as I’m not receiving anything back. Is there anything wrong . Depending on her response , I would try abit more and if she continues to ignore you just leave it there , her loss

I think I'd just stop and wait for them to initiate. Focus on other friends and activities as it's taking up too much space in your head. Flowers don't mean much compared to connecting at an actual meeting and she's not offering that.

Why don’t you phone her instead of messaging and if she doesn’t answer leave her a voicemail saying you miss her and you thought you’d try ringing as you’ve tried messaging and you wanted to check all is ok? You are obviously in her thoughts if she sends you things.

I second calling and asking if she is okay (maybe she isn't) and talk things through.

It is highly unusual/unheard of to send flowers to someone you are wanting to ghost/distance from.

Thanks all. The “nice” things she does kind of blindside me & I end up sending a message thanking her, trying to connect by filling her in on things to try & get the conversation started as she seems to care, asking how she is etc and then I get nothing back. It’s so frustrating. She won’t answer calls & ignores voicemails. I’m at a loss.

@Kissingfrogs25 thats what I thought about the flowers but when I try to engage, nothing!

I'd step back and see what she does. If it's nothing then you have your answer. I'm in the same situation at the moment and I haven't contacted the person for 2 months after getting fed of initiating contact. I've had nothing so I guess that's it. Weirdly if I bump into her she will hug me and say how much she would like to see me blah, blah. But nothing comes of it. I guess that's a bit like your flowers. I'm almost over it all now and glad I've done this. To me you need reciprocation as otherwise it's not a friendship.

I've just been through similar. Lifelong friend started acting cool to me and then treated me terribly when I was going through a personal crisis so I just stopped contact. I was really hoping I was wrong and she'd come through with a 'how are you' or 'are you ok' but she didn't and I realised she no longer really gave an actual shit about me.

We are no longer on speaking terms as she eventually send me a horrendous dear John letter after I asked if we could have a chat.

If you can leave things without initiating contact that's your best bet. I always want to know for sure and end up forcing things to a conclusion and it's never pretty but I get a closure of sorts.

Do you think there is a chance she has inattentive ADHD - like is she struggling to manage her time or often late when you do meet up?

This is me and all my friends post covid, just can’t be bothered with the outside world anymore.

It sounds like she got used to not seeing you during COVID and realised she didn't really want to go back to the level of contact you had before. At the same time she bears you no ill will, and is hoping flowers will convey that, without her having to dodge suggestions to meet, or long text conversations. That's my guess anyway!

I would leave her on the back burner and focus on friends who do want to meet up.

If she’s a good friend just call her for a chat to see what’s up. If any of my good friends started acting like this, I’d expect something was wrong or they had a lot going on.

She sounds busy to me. She wouldn't send flowers etc otherwise..
I often leave messages unread and mean to reply, get distracted by something else and the time passes. Can you send each other voice notes instead. It's easier and more personal than texting

My friend did this. I later discovered she was very ill and didn’t want anyone to know as she just couldn’t face the goodbyes. After she died I came to learn that she did this so that I and the other friends she did this for knew she cared about and valued us.