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To want marriage counselling?

11 replies

Starthinking · 05/10/2022 09:34

Dh is behaving in a bizarre way. Last week on a seemingly standard day. He did the following:

Got angry very quickly and reacted in an uncharacteristic way when out as a family and in the car.

Later he reacted angrily verbally and physically to my disabled dc who has challenging behaviour. I spoke up to diffuse it as I was worried how it would escalate. He was grappling with him back and speaking angrily at him. I understand the pressure but our son is going through a really good stage and it did not warrant that reaction at all. I was shocked and disgusted he would do that.

Then after that he left food he was preparing for dinner. Went to bed at 7pm and never came down. Leaving me to deal with dcs and house stuff etc. The next morning he didn't speak to me. After work I ask what was wrong and if he's ok and he brushed it off and said he was cold and tired and wanted an early night.

It's obviously bullshit! He seems to easily anger at the slightest thing. He simply will not discuss anything with me. I suggested he could be depressed and he said he would rather walk in front of a train than take anti depressants or speak to someone.

I'm now feeling really down myself as I never know what's coming. He took offence last night to something that really was no big deal and went to bed without speaking to me.

There is always a bad atmosphere. I feel like I'm living in a dark cloud. I can't understand why he is happy to live like this. I'm sure he is on the spectrum as our schedule are but I also believe I am on the spectrum but we deal with things very differently.

I couldn't sleep last night and I have had stomach ache for a few days. It's so frustrating and upsetting being told there is nothing wrong when there obviously is!

I'm just not sure what else we can do other than counselling but I'm not sure he will talk to them. Does anyone think an Autism diagnosis would help? I feel he is depressed and a low dose anti depressant could really help him.

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Starthinking · 05/10/2022 09:36

That should say * our children are on the spectrum" not schedule

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thejadefish · 05/10/2022 10:28

Obviously something is going on with him. I'd agree with you on counselling but it sounds like he's not open to it at all, in which case trying to arrange it would be worse than useless. I don't know if an autism diagnosis would help I don't have enough experience but maybe it would, as presumably it would help you & him understand himself better and possibly provide coping strategies/tools for situations you find yourselves in. Sorry I can't be more helpful, but here to offer moral support x

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Starthinking · 05/10/2022 11:38

He is so reluctant to talk to me, nevermind talking to a stranger.

How do you deal with someone that is acting in out of character ways but trying to brush over things and make out it's nothing.

I'm so sad and frustrated Sad

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MintJulia · 05/10/2022 11:48

If he isn't open to counselling or ADs, (and I admit I'd hate the idea too), all you can do is communicate calmly and clearly with him.
If you have to write it down and hand it to him, then ok. Keep it short and non-emotional.. No blame.

Say you are worried something is wrong because of his loss of temper. That you can understand if he is stressed or tired but he needs to tell you that. If it is anything specific upsetting him - work, money etc, then he needs to tell you, so you can be thinking about a resolution. Then back off, give him a day or two and see what happens.

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Starthinking · 05/10/2022 12:32

Thank you @thejadefish and @MintJulia, it's really nice to have someone to talk to albeit on here.

If I leave things he just carries on as " normal " until the next time he gets overwhelmed and acts out of character.

Last time I made him say something about me and he was really critical about my previous job and some friendships, not relating to our marriage. He seems so unpredictable.

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MintJulia · 05/10/2022 12:43

He said he was cold and tired. Does he suffer from SAD? Does this happen more in autumn & winter? Is he short of vitamin D?

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MintJulia · 05/10/2022 12:47

Maybe work on a coping strategy. As soon as he shows signs of being overwhelmed, give him some space.

If he does this again, perhaps respond by suggesting a hot bath, early night, carb-heavy comfort foods etc.

If you can work out a way to manage these episodes, a sort of formula, it would make you feel more in control, and perhaps help him get over them faster.

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whatstheteamarie · 05/10/2022 12:54

"Later he reacted angrily verbally and physically to my disabled dc"

You allowed your H to verbally & physically assault your disabled DC and then stonewall you about it?

You don't need marriage counselling you need to get your DC to safety.

Do not stay with a man who is capable of violence to a child, especially a disabled one who (presumably) has a lack of ability to defend themselves/get themselves out of harms way.

Put your child first and remove them from this hostile environment.

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thejadefish · 05/10/2022 13:33

@MintJulia made some good points, you can say that you're worried about him, he seems stressed and/or not himself lately. I was never good at sharing my problems either (I still struggle with it really, my upbringing was old school/don't burden others with your problems is how I was raised) and always needed a bit of space on my own to calm down before being able to talk to anyone, but I also needed a prompt/opener to talk once I was calmer (a change of atmosphere also sometimes helps e.g. discussing it out of the house, although this might not always be practical). I would struggle with the unpredictability too. It sounds like he's either overwhelmed by something or possibly struggling with depression but it's very difficult if he won't communicate. Does he have any friends that you know well enough to talk to yourself that you could maybe drop a hint to saying DH seems stressed lately (in the hope that they'd try and get DH to open up to them to let off steam and of course assuming that they're the supportive type) or even ask if they know what might be troubling him? Bit delicate I know, and blokes aren't famous for talking to each other about their problems, but sometimes it's easier to talk to someone not quite so close. Otherwise all I can think of is to try and gently coax him round to talk to you and try to find a way of coping with his out of character moments in the meantime (for yourself too - he needs a coping strategy but it's hard on you as well, you also need an outlet/break)

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RobertaFirmino · 05/10/2022 13:48

You mention 'my disabled dc' - is he not the child's biological father? Also, 'grappling with him back' - what do you mean by 'grappling'? In my mind, someone who 'grapples back' is responding to some sort of physical scuffle.

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Starthinking · 05/10/2022 13:53

He is his Dad sorry for the confusion.
Yes I do mean grapple, he has challenging behaviour and was annoyed at a device being taken from him. The best response is to remain calm and take a step back.

I simply said " don't meet anger with anger " to dh. Dh interprets that as me criticising him all the time apparently.

Dh definitely doesn't have anyone in his life to open up to and is barely going out.

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