To feel envious of next door neighbours?

[MovieQueen12]

A couple in their fifties, deeply in love, both highly paid and are able to work from home and are on holiday/mini breaks all the time as well as going to loads of social events such as concerts etc.
Aibu to feel envious of their happiness, their money and the fact their families all adore each other?

Their life may be exactly as you imagine but why look there and make yourself feel shit? We can all give you an example of a seemingly wonderful life that behalf closed doors is hell.
I have a friend who lives in a huge home in the most desirable area locally. Both DC attended prestigious public schools. For all the world to see she has the perfect life with a DH who does genuinely adore her. Meanwhile both her parents died when she was young and her DS is in a private clinic for anorexia and won't speak to them because he blames them for not only his condition but that they have had him essentially sectioned to get treatment he didn't want.
Their beautiful life is paid for through a family business jointly owned by her DH and her toxic narcissistic MIL, who has the majority shareholding. Unless you were very close you'd have no idea of her personal hell. All you'd see is a woman who seems to have it all.

IME, the more performative the social media, the more it is disconnected from the substance. The people I know who are genuinely happy and living a great life don't waste a second posting on social media for strangers to see, at most they use it to update geographically distant family and close friends about substantial news and events about children and suchlike. The two most performative social media posters I know have carefully curated social media extistances that are negatively correlated with the reality of their nasty lives.

Depends on your definition of envy.

To me envy is seeing something you'd like for yourself (aspiration) whilst jealousy is wishing they didn't have something to make you feel better.

I think it would be great to see happy people if you could imagine that life would be within your grasp, possibly motivating you to make changes.

DH and I are a bit like your neighbours. We are very happy together, I’m retired, DH nearly so, and have a lovely life with holidays etc. But we were not able to have children, DH had cancer (now fully recovered thankfully) and we had a long period when our lives were dominated by the needs of our frail elderly parents - my DM had dementia. So it hasn’t all been plain sailing.

Very good point

yes we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors but actually they might just have an awesome life and good for them

op work on what you can within the constraints you have to make your life happier

I say that in a nice way as someone who has done exactly that because I am naturally a pretty “glass half full” type person and it’s no way to live

Sorry @MovieQueen12 but this is ludicrous. You cannot possibly know what's going on behind closed doors. Or that they are 'deeply in love...' I've known of a number of couples over the years who seemed very, very happy and like everything is perfect in their lives. Pictures all over Facebook - gushing over one another, et cetera. And then just a year or two down the line, they split up and it turns out he's been having an affair for about 5 years, or there's been problems for YEARS.

Some years ago me and my husband and daughter lived in a lovely 3 bed house in a little cul de sac. I had a job, he had a job, both good jobs, and we had a nice 5 year old car on the drive. A few mums at the school were really snotty toward me and excluded me constantly, because I lived on a 'private estate' and I had a job and a husband, so I was obviously privileged.

What they failed to take into account was that we had worked bloody hard for everything. We had worked since we left school 20 years earlier, (when none of them had worked a day in their lives, and got everything paid for: (rent, council tax, school meals, school uniforms, school trips etc etc..)

We had absolutely no help from anybody, no handouts, no inheritance, no nothing - and at one point we actually about £15,000 in debt. Struggling to make ends meet with our mortgage and bills and everything that goes with being a homeowner - maintenance and repairs bills and extra insurances etc... AND we argued a lot for several years because of the stress.

Also, my husband had quite a pretty serious health scare, which I won't go into in here. And we had very little family and hardly anybody to depend on. And it really FUCKED ME OFF that people just assumed our lives were lovely and rosy because we lived on a private estate in a bought house as people used to call it when they told me 'YOUR life looks rosy in your bought house with 2 wages coming in.'

Fortunately, we're in a much better position now with our mortgage paid off and no debt. And we are very, very happy now, even though we argued a lot at the time, (for several years,) People might have a reason to be envious now (maybe), but then ?? NO.

They had no idea what was going on behind closed doors and the problems we had. And we were struggling financially because of rising mortgage rates, the house needing maintenance done to it all the fucking time, and having absolutely no one to help us. And it made me so angry that they assumed we were 'rich.' SO ignorant!

I expect they may envy you! If they plaster all over sm their "perfect "lives then that n itself is an insecurity. Also if they are 50 plus they also would like to be a few years younger I expect. Live your own life ,it's yours and very precious

I agree with this. It’s ok to be envious- I’d someone I knew /worked with won the lottery I would think you lucky buggers! Wish it was me!

But I wouldn’t wish them any ill feeling, or begrudge them. It’s jealousy that’s destructive!

@dottiedodah

Also if they are 50 plus they also would like to be a few years younger I expect.

You have no idea what or is going on in their lives. My husband and I retired early and have a fantastic relationship.

We could not have children, and this takes away huge financial pressures that couples with children face. Life is what you make it and being envious of someone else does not help one single bit.

Absolutely this - I am 66 and wish I was younger, much younger but it ain't going to happen - sadly.

All the 'behind closed door' type posts won't help you feel better. Focus on the fact that there are lots of people in very happy, loving relationships with fantastic lives, lots of disposable income, lovely homes, debt free etc - if they can achieve this then so can you.

I've no idea what the social media posts are like. From experience I've generally found that those that rave about having the perfect partner etc are the ones with the most to cover up

Oh well if it's on Social Media, it must he true then!! 🙄 Grow up!

I look amazing on social media! My life looks around 4-5 times better than it actually is, for one, my DC are always happy and smiling 😂

Don't compare yourself to other people. The grass isn't always greener and jealousy and envy are awful traits. Breathe in, breathe out and find your own joy!

🤣

I'm laughing at all the people here who seem to want what the OP's saying to not be true 😂😂

Just be happy for them OP, that's if you have to pay their lives any mind at all.

Most of my colleagues and friends constantly say how jealous they are of our lives - only we know what goes on behind closed doors. Dont get me wrong there is no DV or any big drama but life is definitely not perfect plus if i am honest i HATE my job outside of the financial aspect. I literally hate it. NO couple is happy 100% of the time and NO money is ever enough money. And its always true more money more problems. Just be happy for them and look for the happiness in your own life.

People have said they envy my life - nice home, cars, holidays etc.

But I have debilitating chronic illness issues that I don't share. People only see what I choose them to see.

I know it may not always stay like that but hard when your health isn't good, you're in low paid work, no close family or reliable friends etc.

Are you okay @MovieQueen12 ?

It’s hard when you are having a shit time not to compare to others but it doesn’t make it any easier for you.

Like the other posters have said, the grass isn't always greener
I know a couple who were jealous of their neighbours, it messed with their head, they ended up doing cruel things to their neighbours, they were eventually caught and it all ended in tears.
The best thing you could do is concentrate on you and your family and make the best life for you, do not measure your happiness on what others are doing or appear to be doing. Don't waste your time & energy thinking about what they are/ could be doing, it really is none of your business.

In their 50's.

Good chance one or both parents dead. A few other well off family inheritences too. Maybe they have had some luck along the way but how do we know they havent also had some major upheavals. Maybe he smacks her around a bit behind closed doors. Maybe everything is on the never never and all the interest rates are causing them to panic. Maybe she has a major illness and they are spending their critical illness insurance money.........

Maybe they have worked hard all their life, are nice people and had a bit of luck. Whatever, dont look at others as your measure for happiness. You never know what they have been through or what lies around the corner.

Their lives may well just be that happy, and it's ok to wish that your life was easier/happier - I think most of us do that from time to time.

That said: I seem to be someone that people open up to quite naturally, and nearly everyone I've met in adulthood that appears to have an incredible life on the surface has turned out to have a lot of issues/difficult things going on underneath - I can think of one person who is an exception to that rule, and she really does just have an amazing life, and she is a super person, and I'm so happy for her.

I know a couple that appear exactly like your neighbours OP, but there's a history of infidelity and total lack of trust. You would never, never guess it though.

YABU
You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors.
You also have no idea what traumas and troubles they have had to come through to get to where they are today.
I know a couple who also have a great life - they go on holidays, socialize with friends and family, have a lot of money to spare etc. However, they went 15 years of hell when the man was bullied out of a job, ended up suicidal, they were penniless, they had to go through various court cases and were eventually awarded damages. They may be happy and enjoying life now, but they hit the lowest point possible and struggled for so long.
And another bloke I know is currently touring Europe and having the most amazing time but he is only able to do that now because he also received damages after being nearly murdered at work. He also went through a very messy divorce and also nearly killed himself when his next partner left him and he went through a serious PTSD episode relating to the attempted murder at the same time. So again, it might appear that he is having a great time now and has a lifestyle to envy but would you really want to go through the hell he went through???

But if you live next door presumably you live in a similar type of house? It’s not often you have a six bedroomed mansion next to a scruffy council flat.
How old are you? If you are younger then by your 50’s you may well have paid off mortgage/children left home/inherited money so you will have more cash for a party lifestyle.