To ask how you stopped battling with your preteen DCs (if you did)...

Againagainonrinse · 2022-10-04T17:39:06+00:00

I've namechanged for this. I'm at a real low ebb. I have two DCs - 11 and (just 13). I feel locked in battles with them over screen time and what they eat on their own time (at school, on way home when allowed). I don't think we're particularly strict but neither are we totally hands-off. Both kids are very wilful and articulate and it's a war of attrition over the same stuff; time to come off the screen, don't go from gaming to your phone, don't ask for any more sugar etc. For those who say just have rules and stick to it - it just doesn't happen. They always push back and because I'm a fucking idiot, I know I get really wound up and am probably too combative - but it drives me mad. Then we row. Then we make up. Then we promise change. Change doesn't happen. DP is much more laid back than me - he totally believes in the same stuff but he's just gentler. The cycle is awful. The kids talk to me about everything, we have strong bonds, but I worry these will loosen. Please tell me what's worked for you. And please don't come on here and judge me. Really. I whip myself enough.

Topgub · 04/10/2022 18:47

I'm not the best at not giving in but really that is the best advice.

And not engaging in arguments over rules that are non negotiable

They obey the rules or they face whatever consequences you've decided on.

MumOfNowGrownupKids · 04/10/2022 18:49

I waited. They grew up and turned into normal, pleasant human beings. Cold comfort at the moment though.

NoseyNellie · 04/10/2022 18:50

Wrt the tech stuff you honesty don’t need to try and negotiate when you can literally unplug a games console, switch off the wifi etc.

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 18:51

MumOfNowGrownupKids · 04/10/2022 18:49

I waited. They grew up and turned into normal, pleasant human beings. Cold comfort at the moment though.

Waited? For what?

OP posts:

Chattycatty · 04/10/2022 18:53

Pick your battles. If homework is done and chores completed then screen time is OK until a certain time. Its getting darker and colder at nights so the opportunity to be out is less. The food battle i tried to make home meals as healthy as possible. The last thing you need is to make food an issue.

EndlessTea · 04/10/2022 18:54

Mine are around the same age. I don’t tell them what to eat in their own time but I will say “you need to have something savoury and satisfying and make sure you get enough vitamins” so that’s not a battle for me (I gave up).
Regarding screen time, two things have worked amazingly well-

They bring their devices down in the morning and only get them back when they’ve done their homework. This means we have some decent conversations before they get mesmerised.
One evening a week we have no devices, no TV - it includes the parents. We all need to find other ways to amuse ourselves and it is hands down my favourite day of the week. It also has a knock-on effect of making us pause before mindlessly browsing or gaming on other days.

One other thing that probably helps is that we use family controls to disable most of their apps at 9pm.

We are all getting along really well these days. I feel that as a result of these changes, I am listening to them far more too, which has a beneficial effect - they seem more secure and happy within themselves.

Toloveandtowork · 04/10/2022 18:54

I have the same problem here with my 11 year old. He is lovely, but it's very draining, and the anger it brings up inside me is so unpleasant. I'm doing mindfulness on the anger, the interaction with him, the situation... Its helping, along with exercise.
It's very hard being frequently wound up in your own home. Take it easy on yourself.

AgathaMystery · 04/10/2022 18:57

I don’t know what will work for your family but for us, DC don’t have phones and we have no gaming consoles or gaming laptops in the house.

food is unlimited including junk type food. They go mad for a day on stuff then go off it almost immediately and learn to self regulate. It’s weird but I saw it online from a dietician.

Ameadowwalk · 04/10/2022 18:57

Yes, with the screens, a few times of switching off the WiFi and DS has learnt that time to come off means time to come off.
With the constant and unhealthy eating choices, that is much, much more difficult. Short of never giving him his own money, it’s impossible. I feel like I am always going on about it. I try to get him to think, is he just thirsty or wants to chew something (then have a drink of water and some gum), or what are the better choices, but honestly, I would be glad if sweets and sugar were made inaccessible like tobacco. Sugar is addictive and damaging to health and it doesn’t matter how much I try to say this, as soon as he is out with his friends, they are buying sweets. On the way home from school, they are going to the bakery. Nom nom nom regardless. So yes, maybe the answer is just no spending money.

Notmrsfitz · 04/10/2022 18:57

I have 3 grown up sons, 2 were quite close together age wise and the youngest was born quite a while after.
Ds1 - did anything I asked him too and was totally compliant…..not announce of trouble
Ds2- wild child bordering on feral anything you can think of he did it - I begged I cried I shouted and screamed - he lied he laughed he did what he was going to do - sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, smoking, drinking, badly behaved at schoo, fighting, everything including getting arrested.
(* have to add he is his dad favourite child (yes I know🙄 I’m not with his dad now all 3 have same father - he only bothers with the middle one even now)
youngest child is completely trouble free - is will full and spirited, drinks and smokes but is an adult and has never come home drunk etc not an ounce of trouble.

my advice is with hindsight, don’t sweat the small stuff - they are at an age where they can choose their own food and will do it whether you like it or not - accept them
as pre teens and guide and advise but don’t ‘rule’ they will rebel and resent it - have rules that are understandable and acceptable but don’t try and mould them into compliant nodding dogs - you need spirit to get through life !!
try and be part of their life, not as a friend always their parent but try and see their view point and don’t react immediately wait until things are calm and then speak about it- nobody wins when shouting is involved.
keep on topic when discussing behaviour they just can’t handle a list of things they need to sort out.

believe me when I say you’ll miss them when they go off to uni xx

oh and always try to remember what seems small and insignificant to you is the biggest deal to them.

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 19:07

Notmrsfitz · 04/10/2022 18:57

I have 3 grown up sons, 2 were quite close together age wise and the youngest was born quite a while after.
Ds1 - did anything I asked him too and was totally compliant…..not announce of trouble
Ds2- wild child bordering on feral anything you can think of he did it - I begged I cried I shouted and screamed - he lied he laughed he did what he was going to do - sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night, smoking, drinking, badly behaved at schoo, fighting, everything including getting arrested.
(* have to add he is his dad favourite child (yes I know🙄 I’m not with his dad now all 3 have same father - he only bothers with the middle one even now)
youngest child is completely trouble free - is will full and spirited, drinks and smokes but is an adult and has never come home drunk etc not an ounce of trouble.

my advice is with hindsight, don’t sweat the small stuff - they are at an age where they can choose their own food and will do it whether you like it or not - accept them
as pre teens and guide and advise but don’t ‘rule’ they will rebel and resent it - have rules that are understandable and acceptable but don’t try and mould them into compliant nodding dogs - you need spirit to get through life !!
try and be part of their life, not as a friend always their parent but try and see their view point and don’t react immediately wait until things are calm and then speak about it- nobody wins when shouting is involved.
keep on topic when discussing behaviour they just can’t handle a list of things they need to sort out.

believe me when I say you’ll miss them when they go off to uni xx

oh and always try to remember what seems small and insignificant to you is the biggest deal to them.

This made me well up a bit - I don't know why. Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, I was the nightmare middle child too!!

OP posts:

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 19:08

Toloveandtowork · 04/10/2022 18:54

I have the same problem here with my 11 year old. He is lovely, but it's very draining, and the anger it brings up inside me is so unpleasant. I'm doing mindfulness on the anger, the interaction with him, the situation... Its helping, along with exercise.
It's very hard being frequently wound up in your own home. Take it easy on yourself.

I need to meditate more. I hate my anger over it. Thanks for the prompt. It's draining and shit to feel that way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 19:09

EndlessTea · 04/10/2022 18:54

Mine are around the same age. I don’t tell them what to eat in their own time but I will say “you need to have something savoury and satisfying and make sure you get enough vitamins” so that’s not a battle for me (I gave up).
Regarding screen time, two things have worked amazingly well-

They bring their devices down in the morning and only get them back when they’ve done their homework. This means we have some decent conversations before they get mesmerised.
One evening a week we have no devices, no TV - it includes the parents. We all need to find other ways to amuse ourselves and it is hands down my favourite day of the week. It also has a knock-on effect of making us pause before mindlessly browsing or gaming on other days.

One other thing that probably helps is that we use family controls to disable most of their apps at 9pm.

We are all getting along really well these days. I feel that as a result of these changes, I am listening to them far more too, which has a beneficial effect - they seem more secure and happy within themselves.

Thanks v much, some excellent advice here.

OP posts:

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 19:10

Ameadowwalk · 04/10/2022 18:57

Yes, with the screens, a few times of switching off the WiFi and DS has learnt that time to come off means time to come off.
With the constant and unhealthy eating choices, that is much, much more difficult. Short of never giving him his own money, it’s impossible. I feel like I am always going on about it. I try to get him to think, is he just thirsty or wants to chew something (then have a drink of water and some gum), or what are the better choices, but honestly, I would be glad if sweets and sugar were made inaccessible like tobacco. Sugar is addictive and damaging to health and it doesn’t matter how much I try to say this, as soon as he is out with his friends, they are buying sweets. On the way home from school, they are going to the bakery. Nom nom nom regardless. So yes, maybe the answer is just no spending money.

Yes, they're no different from lots of other kids

OP posts:

Spanisheomellletttes · 04/10/2022 19:10

OP, I cannot tell you what will work. I can only encourage you to stay consistent. Your kids will learn the most from that. I say this because I look back on my own parents and wish they had been consistent with their parenting. I was a very strong-willed child, as are my own tweens, and as a result of their inconsistent parenting, I have had to learn a lot of things as an adult, especially respect for boundaries.

illiterato · 04/10/2022 19:24

god I know how you feel. 12 and 10 year olds and some days I dread school pick up because if trustee not arguing they’re on a “ but everybody else is allowed to snort coke on school nights” diatribe. This term I have really focused on deciding which hill I’m going to die on. Homework they now do at school ( after school club is basically a prep session) and I’ve agreed that I’m not getting involved or asking about it providing they get either an A or a 1 for effort in their reports. If it’s good enough for the teacher, fine. Screens- they get an hour a night on school nights ( don’t get home till 6:15). Can watch tv, game or scroll. I don’t care so long as it’s age appropriate. Weekends I’m more relaxed on screens but they both do a sport on Saturday and Sunday and we usually do at least one other thing. Honestly I just feel like screens make their worlds smaller and smaller and really affects their MH if they get into SM so it’s my hill to die on. Food- we don’t have much junk in the house so they can’t eat it. I know they both eat loads of crap when out with friends and I’m not v strict when I’m out with them at weekends- for example last weekend we were at a rugby festival and they mainlined junk all day but it wasn’t like there was a salad van there. It’s tough when another parent is handing out snickers to the whole team- I’m not gonna be the mum to snatch it out of their hands and prefer a carrot. Social death right there.

Original poster

Againagainonrinse · 04/10/2022 19:27

illiterato · 04/10/2022 19:24

god I know how you feel. 12 and 10 year olds and some days I dread school pick up because if trustee not arguing they’re on a “ but everybody else is allowed to snort coke on school nights” diatribe. This term I have really focused on deciding which hill I’m going to die on. Homework they now do at school ( after school club is basically a prep session) and I’ve agreed that I’m not getting involved or asking about it providing they get either an A or a 1 for effort in their reports. If it’s good enough for the teacher, fine. Screens- they get an hour a night on school nights ( don’t get home till 6:15). Can watch tv, game or scroll. I don’t care so long as it’s age appropriate. Weekends I’m more relaxed on screens but they both do a sport on Saturday and Sunday and we usually do at least one other thing. Honestly I just feel like screens make their worlds smaller and smaller and really affects their MH if they get into SM so it’s my hill to die on. Food- we don’t have much junk in the house so they can’t eat it. I know they both eat loads of crap when out with friends and I’m not v strict when I’m out with them at weekends- for example last weekend we were at a rugby festival and they mainlined junk all day but it wasn’t like there was a salad van there. It’s tough when another parent is handing out snickers to the whole team- I’m not gonna be the mum to snatch it out of their hands and prefer a carrot. Social death right there.

I hear ya!

OP posts:

MumOfNowGrownupKids · 05/10/2022 10:54

You ask what I waited for? I waited for them to get beyond that stroppy teen stage. Yes, I know it's cold comfort, but they do get beyond this as they get older. I now have 2 pleasant, reasonable, adult sons.