Am i being a selfish mum? Is my mil controlling? Help!

[Bobbysgirls]

Preface this with i am autisti, I have EDS and ME.

Looking for objective advice

MIL is overbearing I think? I have a reception and son, and last summer whilst living in an unsuitable house, I had a breakdown and began to not manage to do basic things, I split with my partner and found it hard.

I also got covid and developed long covid at the same time as my mental health took a big dive.

She offered to keep my son in his nursery even though it meant her committing to a drive each day four days per week which I was OK with if that’s what she wanted to do / I pay nursery.

She would make comments on how to raise him, taking particular offence to my breastfeeding him.

She asked me when he was nearly 3 to stop breastfeeding and she would take him for a week if I did but only if I did. I agreed thinking perhaps she was right but ultimately I continued to do it because he wasn’t ready.

When she found out she was extremely upset and accused me of holding him back emotionally and treat in him like a baby, no nutritional benefit, only for my own needs, not letting him grow up and confusing him as she treats him like a big boy and im babying him which is making him confused etc, I didn’t react.

She had offered to ‘take the load’ off my shoulders by doing a few minor doctors apps when I am working, which I was grateful for until I found myself saying to her I could now take him to his next one as I am starting to recover from long covid and gain some strength and energy back, she told me that she would be attending whether I was happy about it or not.

She chose my sons school to ‘help’ and I found myself reporting to her on how well my son slept / ate and it felt like I was the babysitter and not his mum.

Now I am getting back on my feet and piecing life back together she is aware I want my son with me overnight all week aside from schedule weds nights and EOW with dad. She suggested that I allow my son to sleep at hers Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday nights so I wouldn’t see my son from Tuesday morning until Friday night.

I’d also lose my Saturday nights EOW because she said they’d have day time contact instead on their weekend. So essentially they want to take my son during the week because they don’t think I am capable of having my son ready on time. My son isn’t compliant with me as much as he is 100% compliant with his grandma.

I don’t know why! My son and I are very close and he has voiced that he is happy with me and loves being with me more than anyone else and we have a very loving close fun bond and do lots of focussed on him activities which is easy for me as he is my only son. I have told her no. That I am not going to get into a routine and back on my feet if he isn’t with me.

That I think many four year old children want to be with mum and struggle to separate, that it is normal to behave for others and not for mum. But yet she still puts pressure on me that we are to ‘review’ my ‘suggestion’ of him livin with me and not having school week with her and I have told her to park the idea that we would do anything like that as he lives with me, his mum.

She often undermines me or doesn’t share things with me that would help me to get back on track. When I told her I had come up with a great reward system to tick off tasks in the morning she said that she had been doing stickers and stars since he was tiny!

And I thought to myself she should have shared that knowing I was struggling? I also couldn’t find reasonably priced seamless socks and she knew this as I had told her plus I had even downloaded a pattern on Etsy! My son came home in seamless socks and not a word mentioned.

I don’t speak to ex DH and so all communication runs through her because he has anxiety and works nights. But still. She is very nice to my face but I get the impression it’s false.

She even told me that she wanted to provide all uniforms clean each drop off and I think it’s because she doesn’t think i am competent to even wash a school uniform.

My son had a school place but as long covid can play havoc with my health she said she would do the school run and I had to decide upon where I was health wise now and not in the future so I agreed. It crept up, all these subtle undermining of my parenting.

This morning my son was out of sorts and had a slightly higher temp and lethargic and so we were late going out the door. He began to fuss about his socks.

i thought as timing is important, it would be better for us all to just carry him out in a pair of blue socks & ask grandma to just wipe his face as he began to get belligerent over it and I’d rather he was on time than late due to being fussy and if she can do it in two seconds am I being unreasonable to just ask her to do it if it saves time and tears?

I am beginning to dread interacting with her as I know when I fail, she is right there chalking it up.

My son is angelic there, in a perfect routine with her, sleeps wonderfully, eats what he is given and has no tantrums. When he is with me?

He had tantrums, is non compliant at times, He does eat and sleep well but he certainly doesn’t scoot into bed as early as he does with her. I admin it has left me feeling like a failure.

They think I am selfish keeping him with me when I’m not as established in routines as grandma is, and I should think about his best interests.

Whilst I know school is vital and to be on time the same, isn’t living with your mum and having a solid grounding in your own home more important?

I don’t know if I am being unreasonable in saying no, my son loves with me and that’s the end of it. Routines take time; I am getting better, I am not selfish for wanting my son to live with me surely, I am beginning to really question everything about my parenting.

She disagrees with my emotional approach to showing emotions, talking about feelings and showing I’m not a ‘safe’ person by having cried on occasion and him seeing me do so.

Or when I’ve been unwell, I have said to him that yes I am unwell. She said her mum cried when she was small and it terrified her, that mums should be strong and never never be anything other than safe and that means not showing emotions.

She thinks I give him my problems but I haven’t a clue what she means? That I don’t stimulate him ( I do, we go out, we always read, do crafts, bake and yes iPad too) to not have accidents in front of him (I get dizzy and sluggish from long covid and sometimes fall over) and basically that I am not together enough to be a good mum - she hadn’t said this but it’s strongly implied.

She thinks if I cannot regularly have my son complying with me and ready on the dot each day for school then we need to go back and think about her ideas again. I don’t know what to think - help!

Firstly, I haven’t a clue what EDS is, so don’t know the effect it has on you. Yes, your mil sounds very controlling and overstepping, BUT you seem to have a very chaotic life, and your son seems to be thriving in her care. You don’t seem to be able to care for him properly full time. It’s a very hard thing to pick apart without knowing either of you. What do you honestly think is best for your son?

@Yesthatismychildsigh EDS is Ehrler Danos Syndrome, a chronic condition that affects the connective tissues.

Op
Sounds like your MIL is trying to be Mother to your child. Personally I wouldn't believe that your child is so perfect with her, and if he actually is I would.see huge red flags in that. No young child.can hold their emotions in all the time.
I also see it concerning that you have no.contact with your ex? His "anxiety" is not a reason for you to have to communicate solely through the MIL (who sounds emotionally abusive, of course us MUms are.allpwed to be sad or sick)

I personally think you need to put your foot down now. Try and get your son in a school closer to you so you can get him there yourself (and yes every parent has days when they run late). Cut contact down to the times he should be seeing his Dad, bet she doesn't try and take that away.
You may need to contact a solicitor if she continues with trying to take your son

Your MIL does sound very controlling and some of the things she's said and done are unacceptable, but going off this post alone then I'd say that she does seem to have your sons best interests at heart and from what you've said I think she does still care about your welfare too.

I'd say it was your ex's responsibility to care for your son when you're unwell but if he's struggling with MH too then maybe she feels as though she's doing what he's unable to?
You mentioned you get dizzy & fall over? I think I'd be very worried about that happening whilst you're alone with your son too.

Can you not explain to her the things you're most upset about?

I'm unclear on who your son is currently living with, notwithstanding her 'suggestions'. If he's living with her, then it wouldn't be a bad idea to gradually step down contact. If he's living with you, she sounds ott.

It sounds like you have struggled and are still struggling. Mil is concerned about her grandchild. Do you feel like you are coping well? Young children need a routine and a place to feel safe and from what I've read his Grandmother is doing this.

I think she does sound controlling but equally she's stepped in to support your son at a time when it sounds like no one was making him the priority.

Clearly she needs to back off now you are doing better but you, and your Ex need to step up. If you can't communicate directly with him then you either need a neutral third party or a solicitor. Have you contacted your HV or homestart (if it's in your area) for support? Get your morning schedule sorted so you can get him to school dressed and ready, even if you're in a pair of joggers and a hoody and go straight back to bed if you're not well. It's just small steps but you can take back control.

How does your son feel about mil?

Does your ex live with his mum? Or does she take over his scheduled time with son? What input does he have?
It sounds like it's been tough, and MIL has given some stability and routine to your son's life when you were unable to. How you take back control is difficult. Maybe baby steps is the way to go, slowly edging her out of some things. This depends how reliant on her you are for school runs, transport etc. Do you drive? How much independence do you have?

OP I have ME also and I’m pregnant with my first child.

I just want to say you sound like a wonderful Mum. Lots of people won’t understand the struggles you face living with an illness like this but it sounds like you do a great job. I’m very lucky in that I have a supportive husband and parents who I know will be able to support me. But everyone is aware that when the baby comes things do not need to be 100% perfect all the time. Even when the parent is in 100% health. I laugh when people on here are horrified at the thought of not leaving the house for a day or even a few days. My parents were/are in perfect health and we’d have plenty of pyjama weekends in front of the TV and my sister and I had the perfect childhood. So please don’t succumb to the ridiculous pressure of everything being perfect and active all the time. If your child if happy, loved and safe that’s all that matters at the end of the day. With this illness we need to adjust life to make it easier. It doesn’t matter if it comes up to someone else’s standards. It can still be a great life. So find ways to take the pressure off yourself where you can. A closer school as someone suggested.

I agree that your MIL is likely lying. He will almost certainly have tantrums with her and if he doesn’t - maybe he’s a bit scared of her! Children express their emotions when they feel comfortable. So don’t for one minute let her make you believe he’s better off with her.

From a practical point of view, as I know living with this illness, it is best to keep things sweet with her as you need the support. But my advice would be to believe in yourself, be grateful for her support when you need it but politely keep declining when she oversteps boundaries. For example, my mother would take over if I had a bad crash but she would then step back again when I was well again. Support where it’s needed is very kind. Trying to take over completely when it’s no longer needed is controlling. My only advice is tread carefully so you don’t lose her help altogether but don’t let her take the piss either. You’re his mother. I wish you all the very best.

Hi, I asked for help with our home that was falling apart and I’m seeking diagnosis and having tests. There’s a heart defect that can make me dizzy, and I’m learning to pace myself. When I say fall, I mean I’ll just wobble on the spot and might trip on my feet. I don’t have knock outs or anything. Living in a house without proper amenities whilst suffering an as yet undiagnosed chronic mobility condition, with abusive neighbours whom the police do nothing about, I have gone down every avenue and now I am out, I have found andcfunded everything myself, I have a beautiful new home in the countryside, I have bought and built my sons bedroom, I provide for him perfectly well and when he was in nursery which I paid for she insisted he remain in it even though it wasn’t possible for me to take him there at the time due to no transport. I wouldn’t mind the support in flare up days if it was genuinely for the good focus all, if she didn’t cut me out of vital decisions or health app outcomes which I do find out, just not from her. If she shared what works for her. If she didn’t force me to do things her way especially with breastfeeding. Of she didn’t take a grain of truth from situations and provide no context., good example is my son had gastric flu, and we were obviously glued to each other as he was dreadfully sick, and after a few days she offered to take him for two hours so I could wash the Puke from my hair, launder the sheets and sanitise the house.,she reported me for having chaotic unhygienic home. I mean yea with a sick child and you’re doing it solo it will he which is why I was grateful for the offer of a two hour window to sanitise and clean

another example is my son got another vomit bug (6 months later) and it was dads contact day after nursery but he couldn’t to to nursery. They wanted to bring him home however that day I had a severe migraine and couldn’t bare the light. I said I can’t, until I can see, he will have to take the day off. That night my son came home, and I caught it and both of us were vomiting. Instead of context, she reported that I wasn’t capable. Another situation is I had bacterial pneumonia and was severely ill. My friends told her I was in hospital and as soon as I came out, next day I took my son. I was so so I’ll my infection markers were Orr the scale. I had fluid behind my heart and in my right lung. She reports I didn’t tell her I was going home and wasn’t able to have my child. I have disabilities. But I am not incapable. I feel criminalised to have found myself in such a sore place and also no acknowledgement of the fact I have financially and practically organised a new home: a house move the lot single handedly. I just get on with it really even if it hurts. Does that mean I cannot be a mum if I cannot get police help or any support? If I was a grandmother I’d ask what I could do to help. I’d encourage and support. I wouldn’t report things like this whilst smiling to a woman struggling to get well.

She’s definitely trying to undermine you. If she truly wanted the best for your son she would support his mother. I’d tread very carefully with her if I were you. Don’t trust her.

It's difficult. You do require support but she is definitely poisonous.

My hunch is the more she 'helps' you, the less able you will feel. Her choice of language is also officious and controlling.

Did she actually report you to SS for the state of your home when you had a tummy bug and she left you cleaning???

You need to offer her less time and less involvement.

Totally agree.It's in her best interests to have you believe that your child behaves better when he is with her. Take a stand and reclaim your child.

I think your MIL is overstepping the mark OP and I agree with the PP who said that his perfect behaviour with your MIL doesn't mean he is happier there. Normal 4 year olds kick off and refuse to go to bed etc sometimes. In fact it's the hallmark of a well adjusted child that their behaviour outside the home is pretty good, and a little worse at home, which is just what you describe, and also implies very strongly to me that your boy does not see his grandma's as home at all. He knows where he belongs.

I don't think it helsp op that your two posts are totally contrasting.

1. You were unsuitable housed, broke up, broke down, she kept the kid in nursery so you didn't have to worry about him, offered to take him for a week, has his regularly one night a week at least, does s hook run for you. Yes oversteps but only where you let her- registering for school, hospital appts

1. You've got yourself on your feet after the relationship ended and every time you need help she agrees and then reports you to SS.

Tell her you're OK now so will be doing school run every day from now. Tomorrow take him to school, pick him up, make sure school know not to release him to her. Start parenting full time except on his Dad's contact days. Put hard boundaries down and find other support if you need it.

Your MIL is extremely controlling and is trying to undermine you. She sees herself as the parent and you as a barrier to her being the parent. She is not supporting you at all. She is taking over. Support would be helping you to do it yourself, guiding you through tecniques to help with problems like tantruming or playing up when trying to get him out of the house.

My mother was the same when I was a young, single (autistic) parent. She wouldn't teach me how to calm a crying baby and encourage me. No she'd take over, calm the baby and make comments about how Granny knew best. I put up with it as I didn't better. Now I'm older and wiser and won't put up with that shit. So she no longer has contact with me or her grandchildren.

Does your HV know of your difficulties? You should have been referred to SS disabilities team. Your GP could do this. There are support groups on line. Gingerbread do a disability section and there might be local support groups. Do some googling. I don't think that anyone can give a true opinion because you do rely on her, so the boundaries are blurred. Strictly speaking your son should be on a child in need plan to give you support as a family.

You need to strongly assert yourself now and limit her involvement to the bare minimum. She is not supporting you she is trying to alienate you as a parent and at the minute you are letting her.

You need to tell her directly: my child, he lives with me I make all decisions regarding his schholing/wellbeing, you are a grandparent not a parent. If you don't get back in your lane I will not hesitate to cut his contact with you. And then radically scale back her involvement as a matter of urgency

My MIL used to tell me that my son was beautifully behaved with her. Never screamed, never tantrummed, ate everything etc etc. Turned out she was lying through her teeth, but sadly I had had a mental breakdown by then, because he was awful with me.

Definitely cut down contact and communicate with your ex directly, start saying no when she says she will look after your son, don't answer the phone but send a text so she can't manipulate you. Pretend you're going out if she comes round.

Have you considered letting their dad be the resident parent and you are the non resident parent? Not trying to kick you while you are down but it sounds like you have a lot to deal with both physically and mentally and you aren't coping with everything that's on your plate.

You absolutely should not give up your parenting rights or time with your child. You're entitled to support from your adult social services team. Parents with disabilities should be able to help you (or it might be disabled parents, have a look and see). Bottom line, it's best for your child to be with you, not extended family.

I have a friend who has a care package for just this reason. Someone calls four times a week and provides help with parenting duties (NOT childcare, this is about your right to parent your child and should be assessed as part of your needs, not the child's). I would seek out an assessment without involving your mil if at all possible and underline the parental alienation you're experiencing if she does try to get involved.

You absolutely are not selfish to feel your baby should be with you. Of course he should. Lovely to have involved granny but she's only a granny, not a parent. She seems to think she's god at the moment! It's far more important that your child is with you than that they arrive at school on the dot. There are plenty of struggling parents who do not come close to losing their children and why should you?

Shame on those posters who have suggested your disability should be a reason for you to lose residency. Your child has a right to live with you.

I very much doubt things are as perfect as granny says. She sounds like pure poison reporting you and undermining your efforts to introduce positive measures. She's making you feel like crap for her own reasons.

thing I’d I didn’t ask for support! She said I had the burden of 8 years single parenting (he has siblings) and initially she wanted ex to do nursery runs to give him structure to his day and as I had a school run in opposite direction to do and can’t be in two places at once I agreed. For the life of me I cannot understand how it’s been turned around as a me problem. When we moved I wanted a local nursery but she insisted was better for him to remain and would commit to car trips which wasn’t that far, but in opposite direction. If it was just mg health alone I’d have been fine but it wasnt - it was the living conditions, the daily abuse of myself. Doing it alone. Handling my son as he was so unwell last start od term and having no way od getting older ones to school. All of that made me breakdown. There’s a nasty history too but I tend to try to leave things in the past on the surface but inside I haven’t dealt with things so I just hit a wall in what I could manage having been through SO much already. I had no idea she was reporting behind mg back. They escalated to a pre proceedings and I swear If I hadn’t have gone through it I wouldn’t believe Thad the word of some ‘credible’ people could have so much weight without a tangible fact. Now I have moved and the issues are disappearing if is becoming obvious to SS I wasn’t lying and it wasn’t a fault of mins and actually mg disabilities don’t affect attrition as much as they assumed it did because it was the neighbours causing purposeful sleep deprivation to my children and despite having bundles of evidence inc being told If I was unable to stop dropping things or falling I shouldn’t be allowed to live in a flat and should be in disabled accommodation (recorded by a neighbour and shared with me( my son being threatened by them and ending up too frightened to be in his own home which made him cling to me, despite our window being smashed and daily abuse through the window of verbally accusing me of being a lying fantastic and a piece of shit and slut etc because I hoovered in daylight hours the the building has zero noise insulation erx. I was struggling because of that abuse.and at the same time mt health went awry, my home was in disrepair and we then had a revenge eviction whilst I was being pinned with neglect for my disability!!! I mean what the hell,?? It was during covid she asked me to stop feeding him and said no until I was exhausted on my ones and nursery shut due to covid and I thought ok I’ll try to stop feeding but the deal was I stop and she has him in order for me to stop. I tried. I meant to hit it just wasn’t right for us. Fast forewarn a few years and she finds out and says I’m despicable and cruel. I had a place for my son with his siblings but given we were moving accross town. It made more sense they said to pick s school closed to them and me when I moved and they would handle the school run so I could focus on my other children and mg health. At no point was it positioned as him remaining with me only a few days and mainly at weekends. I didn’t realise how awkward the school was to get to so it’s impossible for md to do it when I get better. I am getting better all the time and am seeing RISS and mg health visitor is aware but I’ve been so beaten down for so long I just hit s wall with it and now ivd really lost my confidence everywhere bit especially with mg son as Ed have very diff approaches to raising children. I’m generally AP and she’s more supernanny

What a nasty, unhelpful and cruel thing to say to OP

@Bobbysgirls OP please, once your son comes to you again, cut her off. Completely. He is YOUR son. Once your son is physically with you - tell that's it. If she wants to question the custody arrangements then she can see you in court. Then block her

OP do either you or your son have a social worker? It sounds like a third party mediation might benefit & help you and MIL understand each other/work together better in the best interest of your son.

You are his mum and of course he loves and needs you, but it sounds like he has a strong bond with his gran as well - she sounds ott on the face of it, but I think it seems like her interference is coming from a good place - from love and concern about your son's well-being. Cutting her out of your son's life could be very upsetting and damaging for your son - something similar happened to me as a child and it was absolutely traumatising.

Having said that, is there a reason why he can't go to nursery/school nearer to you? I'm not clear why the only option is one in the opposite direction to your current school run? Are you still struggling with getting him up and ready in the mornings? If so, rightly or wrongly, your mil may be genuinely trying to help and support you? You feel undermined and are therefore hypersensitive to any criticism from her....